


Commander

by CaptainCupcake08



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Carmilla Police, Creampuffs, F/F, Family, Friendship, Gen, Hollstein - Freeform, LaFerry - Freeform, Law Enforcement, Love, Reporter Laura, Romance, Silas University, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:48:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 43,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22429642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CaptainCupcake08/pseuds/CaptainCupcake08
Summary: Set in a non-supernatural world, Carmilla is the Commander of Toronto SWAT who meets a girl on a train. Fluff and nonsense and I suck at summaries.
Relationships: LaFontaine/Lola Perry, Laura Hollis/Carmilla Karnstein
Comments: 73
Kudos: 127





	1. Undercover Passenger

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic. Kinda nervous so be kind :)  
> I have pulled many different aspects of different jobs into this and as someone who is in the field, I am very aware that no police force runs this way and I am also aware some aspects of the "time line" will be hurried through.  
> Carmilla characters are not owned by me.  
> There are mistakes and issues but if I didn't post now, I never will. Am open to any and all thoughts.  
> Give me some time with it, I plan on it being a bit of story.  
> This has been an idea in my mind for a bit, decided to put in on "paper"  
> Happy reading <3

“Laura!” I hear my name being called but I’m not sure from where. “Laura!” I decide in that moment that I hate whoever is interrupting my subway nap. “Frosh! Wake the hell up!” “I’m awake! I’m up!”, I say loudly in the direction of my best friend Laf, who is looking at me with a shit eating grin. “Sure you are, dude,'' they say as they drop back into their seat, “I swear Frosh, you need to cut back at the paper...you’re losing it. Who falls asleep on the subway? You could get like…peed on or something!”.

"Lafontaine! Really!?”, squeaks out Perry, whose face is now as red as her hair, “Laura sweetie, don’t listen to them. I’m proud of you. Your article titled ‘Woman Has Proof Husband is an Alien’ was absolutely riveting and I enjoyed it! You’re doing a great job at the paper…cookie?” she states as she pulls a bag out of her giant purse. I look at her with an expression one could only equate to that of a child on Christmas morning, “I love you Per” I say as I stuff my face with homemade chocolate chip cookies. “Hey!”, yells Laf, “What about me?!”. “What about you?” I say in a serious tone, “Did you compliment my work? Did you call me sweetie? Did you give me cookies? No? Then sit your crazy scientist self down and leave me to my chocolate chip goodness. These are amazing as always, Perry”. Perry sends me a smile as she places her hand on Laf’s leg. Laf looks like they are about to protest, but Perry leans over and whispers something in their ear, the resulting effect being a loving smile from Laf and a kiss to Perry’s cheek.

I stop stuffing my face long enough to look at them. Laf has been my best friend for 11 years. They are an absolute train wreck sure and constantly being sent to sleep on the couch due to blowing up things around the apartment, but loyal and fierce and I can’t imagine life without them. We grew up together, attended the same middle school, high school, and university. Silas University to be exact. A grand old institution in Styria where our school motto roughly translates to “It will devour all”. Totally normal. That’s where Laf met Perry and immediately fell in love. They’ve been together for almost 5 years at this point. After graduation, the three of us decided to leave Austria and headed to Toronto where we all share an apartment. Sure it can be a little much at times, but I wouldn’t have it any other way if I’m being honest with myself. Perry teaches home ec at the local High School, something she was born to do. Laf works as a lab technician at Anglar Incorporated and I work at the local paper four blocks from my apartment. It’s not exactly where I saw my life going but I can’t complain. The only thing I wish was different was having someone to share it with. Sure, Laf and Perry are great and I love them, but it’s not the same. I’ve never been good in the romance department. My last girlfriend was a few years ago and lasted only a couple of months. I’ve been on a couple dates here and there but nothing ever clicked. I never felt that extra something. I’ve never had what Perry and Laf have. One day though. Hopefully. Maybe.

Lost in my thoughts, mixed with the calming sounds of the train tracks, I somehow fail to notice the man that has slid up fairly close to where I’m sitting. He reeks of bad whiskey and aftershave. “Hey baby” the stranger staggers out, “come here often?”. Really? I think, that’s his line? “Well”, I answer back, somewhat reserved, “it is a public subway and I have to get to and from work so, yes?”. As he moves closer, Laf stands and says “Hey buddy, back up. We’re good here.” Whiskey looks Laf up and down with a sneer, “Listen lady, I wasn’t talking to you. I’m talking to this hot piece of ass right here, sit back down next to the red head.” Before I can respond, Perry stands with a fierce, albeit slightly terrified look on her face, “Excuse me! My partner uses they/them pronouns! It’s rude to assume a person's gender. Apologize to them right now!” The man stares daggers at Perry, “What the fuck?” he chokes out, “what kind of dumbass shit is that? She’s a girl…”. Laf, who has dealt with this exact situation more than they should over the years, grabs Perry to sit back down mumbling “It’s ok Per, it’s not worth it. He’s drunk and being an asshole”, says Laf dejectedly. “No!” screams Perry, “No Laf! Look, sweetie I’m sorry, but no it’s not “not worth it”. You’re worth it and this drunk asshole should know and respect you for the person you are and the pronouns you use!” Laf and I, forgetting the current situation, stop and stare at Perry, “Did…did you just say asshole?” I asked with a smile on my face. “I mean I…I guess I did, yes I did. Oh goodness I’m so sorry…” says Perry almost in embarrassment. “Oh my God I love you so much Per” says Laf as they lean in to kiss their girlfriend.

“Oh I get it” says Whiskey, “you’re all a bunch of dykes” he spits out vehemently. “Excuse me?”, I am now on my feet, moving closer to Laf and Perry. We seem to have also gained the attention of other passengers at this point, some pulling out phones, others moving away. “You heard me” says Whiskey, “I said you’re a bunch of dykes. Too bad though, you’re hot. I suppose I could always see if I could change you back to normal” he says as he roughly grabs my wrist and twists. At his words, I feel like all of the air has been sucked out of my lungs and I can’t breathe. My nervousness has morphed into full on fear at the look he is giving me and the pain in my wrist is ever present. Before I have the chance to move out of his grip, let alone say something, I hear a new voice, not far from where I’m standing; “I’d let her go if I were you”.

The man whips his head up at the same time as I turn towards the voice. “Woah”, I whisper softly, hoping I was the only one who heard. I still can’t breathe but now for a different reason. Standing not three feet away, leaning casually against the side of the car is easily the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Covered from head to toe in black; leather pants that look like they’ve been painted on, biker boots, black tank top, covered in a beat up leather jacket with curves for days. Have I mentioned her face? It’s like that of Greek goddess. Her hair flows in waves over her shoulders and her eyes, I could and am currently getting lost in them. Suddenly I feel a pain in my right hand. Oh right…Whiskey is still gripping my wrist. “What did you say, bitch?” the man spits out. “You heard me. I don’t like repeating myself. I find it to be a wild waste of my time” says my future wife (woah girl chill), I mean my Goddess . This beautiful stranger shows no fear as she glides up and stands face to face with the man currently gripping my wrist. Is she smirking? Man she smells good…not the point! Whiskey starts to laugh, “Seriously? Why the fuck would I listen to you? You think you can stop me? Fuck off!” and turns back to me, his grip on me tightens and my eyes start to water and I make a slight yelp. That seems to grab the attention of the woman in black, who is suddenly standing so very close to me. “You ok, cutie?”, her eyes drop to mine and I forget everything. “Whaaaa?” come on you idiot, say words! Any words! You write for a living, this shouldn’t be hard! Her eyes stare into mine and her lips turn up into a small smile, “oh what?…I mean I could be better” I managed to say. “What's your name, love?” Oh my God, did she just call me love!? This is fine, I’m fine; “it’s uh…it’s ummm”, “It’s Laura. Laura Hollis” supplies Laf, who looks both equally on alert and amused at the current situation. “Ok Laura Hollis, don’t worry. This won’t be an issue much longer” says the beautiful stranger. She turns back to the man but now her smile is gone. “Let her go now, and you can walk away. Don’t, and you and I are going to have a significant problem.”

The atmosphere has changed and it is dead quiet. All I hear is the sound of the tracks and my own heartbeat, which I’m pretty sure is about to beat out of my chest. The man has now abandoned his hold on me and I sink down next to Perry and Laf, my eyes never leaving the face of my savior. The man fixes her with a stare, cracks his knuckles and advances on her, getting right in her face, “Are you fucking threatening me? Me, walk away? Fuck you” and then proceeds to push her. While the woman is only moved back slightly, a lot of other things happen all at once. Six guys suddenly surround the man, two hold his hands behind his back while the others flank on either side and one other rushes up to her stating “you good, C?” with a look of concern. “Yeah Blake, I’m fine,'' she says in an almost laughing tone. The idiot who is currently struggling against the many men surrounding him, is now turning a dark red and other passengers have either vacated to a different car or have moved back. The dark haired beauty walks back up to the detained man and gets right in his face, there’s that smirk again; “If you haven’t figured this out yet, you’re having a really bad night. Like…epically bad” she says calmly. “Kirsh”, she continues, eyes still on Whiskey, “if you don’t mind, bracelets please.”

The puppy dog looking man standing to the left of her pulls handcuffs out of his jacket pocket and secures them on Whiskey as my savior turns to me. Her gaze softens as she kneels in front of me and says “May I?” It takes me a minute to realize that she’s asking to see my wrist. “Oh uh, sure” and I lay my hand into her outstretched one. I gasp slightly when our hands connect. The minute she touches me, I feel something akin to a low electrical current flow through me. Everything feels warm. She carefully moves her fingers over the dark bruise that is forming, but oddly enough, I feel no pain. “Laura”, she says, “are you ok?” She looks rights at me, still holding my wrist and it’s as if time stops. “Yes” I whisper, “I’m ok.” She continues to stare at me a little longer, her eyes soft and caring. Who is this woman? I think. As if I said it out loud, Whiskey stops struggling long enough to voice my inner monologue, “Who in the hell are you?” The woman moves her gaze from mine. She slowly stands, still holding my wrist and reaches behind her with her other hand and pulls something out of her back pocket. It looks like a wallet. She places my hand gently back into my lap with a wink, and stares daggers at the drunk guy. “Oh I’m sorry”, not sounding sorry at all, “did I forget to introduce myself? How rude of me.” She stands with a smirk and radiates confidence as she unfolds the wallet and holds it directly in front of the man's face. His eyes grow wide and he turns a ghastly shade of green. “I’m Carmilla Karnstein, Commander of Toronto SWAT, and you are under arrest,” she says with a smile. “Oh” states Laf, “my” Perry follows, “God” I say as I stare at her. Carmilla stops and turns towards me, her badge gleaming in the light from the subway; “Well, I couldn’t give all my secrets away right off the bat, Creampuff” she says with a mysterious gleam in her eye and a smirk on her face, “Where’s the fun in that?”


	2. Heart Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Title pretty much sums it up, I think? Seriously, summaries will not get better...
> 
> Happy reading!

The train pulls into the next station and I am still staring at her. Commander of Toronto SWAT? Holy shit. I don’t know what to do, think or feel. Strike that, I do but I’m having too many emotions, thank you very much! So I just decide to stare at her. That’s normal, right? This beautiful creature, Carmilla Karnstein, as she instructs who I can only guess are her officers, in escorting Whiskey off the train. Laf and Perry don’t seem to be faring much better. I’m pretty sure Laf hasn’t blinked in over three minutes. Before I have the chance to check on my best friend, however, I see Carmilla turn back towards me and face everyone on the train. She smiles at me briefly, before stepping up onto one of the seats and clearing her throat. “Hey everyone”, her calming yet authoritative voice silencing the crowd almost immediately.

“Hi there. So as I said a moment ago, I’m Commander Karnstein of Toronto SWAT. My unit and I were on our way back from lunch, that’s why we’re not all suited up looking like action stars at the moment”, a few people chuckle at this, myself included, “I apologize for the inconvenience and delays in your travel plans today. My unit and I are just finishing up some things with this current situation, and we will be out of your hair as soon as possible. Again, so sorry for the hold up. If you wish to get off here, I believe there is a connecting train on the other side of the station in a few minutes. Other than that, it shouldn’t be too much longer and you will be on your way”. “Damn Frosh, close your mouth, you’re drooling…”, I guess Laf finally snapped out of it. “What?! Am I? I mean no I’m not! Shut up Laf!”. “Shush you two, she’s coming over” snaps Perry. “Hi Laura, how’s your wrist? Do you need to see a paramedic? I called them in for that drunk idiot, but I can have them come look at you as well if you’d like?”. Carmilla is once again in my personal space and I am very, very ok with it. She is intoxicating. Suddenly I feel a pinch. “Jesus Laf, what the hell?”, I turned annoyed. “The Commander was asking you a question...you were staring. Like hard core staring…”, they replied amused. I immediately turn back to see a bashful smile on the SWAT officer. “Sorry”, I mumble embarrassed, “what was the question?”. “I asked if you were ok or if you wanted to have a paramedic look at your wrist” she says softly. “Oh um, I think it’s ok”, but I instantly let out a hiss as I turned my injured hand slightly to the left. “Yeah ok”, says Carmilla, “not taking no for an answer cupcake” and I watch as she turns to her left and scans the back of the car, “Hey! Lawrence! Come here for a sec! Bring your kit!” all while still, gently holding onto me.

Lawrence turns out to be a rather tall, red headed paramedic. Good looking woman, sure, kind of like an Amazon warrior, but nothing compared to my officer. Wait, my officer? Calm it down Hollis, for fucks sake. ‘What up, boss lady?” You good?” says Lawrence, “Yeah, I’m straight” says Carmilla, God I hope that’s not true, I think. “Laura”, she continues, “this is Danny Lawrence, she heads up our EMT unit, she’s gonna make sure you’re good to go, ok? Danny, take good care of this one” she winks at me and I think I just died a little bit. “Sir, yes sir Commander Sir” says Danny and pulls off a fake salute as Carmilla gets up and walks over to the other officers. “So Laura, I don’t think anything is broken, just a bad bruise, possibly a sprain. I’ll wrap it up and you can follow up with your primary care doctor if the pain gets worse ok?”. Danny is smiling at me and I reply with a quick “Uh great, thanks yeah sounds good” and my attention is immediately back on Carmilla. “Ah yes,'' says Danny with a small chuckle, “She’s a pretty good looking woman. Just..don’t tell her I said that...”. “What!?” I basically scream, “what no, I wasn’t, I mean she’s like, ummm”. “It’s ok Laura, really. She’s pretty great. I am kind of biased though as she’s been my best friend since we were kids. She’s been through alot, had some moments, sure, but she’s the best person I know. Everyone respects her and it’s easy to see why. She’s the youngest Commander Toronto has ever had. I think actually, in all of Canada to be quite honest. She’s good people, Laura”. “You say that as if she’s your hero or something” I say nervously. Danny looks me straight in my eyes with a look that is both stern and loving, “In a way,'' says Danny, “she is. Look I know we just met and I don’t want to overstep here, but Carmilla is amazing. She’s...she’s not just my hero, she’s everyone's hero. She cares. '' “Yeah” I say while looking at her mingle amongst her officers, “yeah I can understand that”. I glance over just in time to see a dreamy look pass over Danny's face as she has also turned to look at the Commander. It’s slightly unsettling. Danny must have noticed because when she turns back towards me, she gives a slight laugh and says “Don’t worry, I’m not into her like that. It’s purely platonic. I’m not stepping on your moment”. My what? I think. “My what?” I say, in a slightly higher pitched voice than I would normally ever talk in “oh no, I’m not trying to have a moment. To moment. Moments..nada. Absolutely no moment having here!” Cool Laura...super super cool. Danny is slightly shaking as she tries to hold in her laughter “Laura it’s ok. I get it. And for what’s it worth, she normally doesn’t act like that with people she’s just met, especially in these circumstances”. “Meaning what?” I ask. “Meaning, she’s looking at you the way you’re looking at her…”. “Hell yeah she is Frosh!!”, oh right, Laf and Perry are here. “Shut up, Laf”. Maybe I should patent that saying. Put it on a t-shirt? I’ll think about it, I’ve only said it a million times today…

Carmilla is suddenly back and dear Lord, who cranked up the heat in here? Man it’s hot. Is that just me? Oh...it’s just me...perfect. I will pretend that it has nothing to do with Carmilla standing close to me and blame it on everything else. I'll blame it on Laf! Yup! Stupid Laf and their stupid face and ok shut up. “What’s up Lawrence? You guys good?”, Carmilla's gaze shifts back and forth between me and my friends, who let me tell you, I might be selling to the highest bidder when this is over based on the looks I’m currently getting from them, “Yeah C, we’re good. These guys were just telling me about their love of baked goods, you know I have a huge sweet tooth”, I missed the part where Perry offered a cookie to Danny on account of, you know, dying in front of the woman in leather pants. “Oh trust me Lawrence, I know. Kirsh told me he saw you take the candy out of my locker!” says Carmilla. “What? Me? I would never!!!” she then turns to me, “Laura, it was nice to meet you, put some ice on that when you get home ok? If you’ll excuse me, I have to go have a conversation with a certain soon-to-be-killed SWAT officer for reasons you don’t need to know about and that have nothing to do with a bag of swedish fish that may or may not have been in a locker that wasn’t mine”. Danny gets up and immediately yells “Kirsh!!”. The puppy dog looking officer from earlier turns and looks at her and yells “Oh Shit!” and runs out of the subway car. “Yeah you better run you snitch!”. Now it’s just me and Carmilla.

As she looks fondly over at the chaos ensuing between Danny and Kirsh, I take the opportunity to really look at her. She really is gorgeous. She seems both carefree and like she carries the weight of the world on her shoulders. One of her curls is falling near her eyes and I don’t know what makes me do it, but I gently reach up and sweep it behind her ear. “Uh, sorry” I say as she turns to look at me and I yank my hand away. “It’s quite alright, Laura” she replies as she smiles at me. Why does everything seem to vanish with this woman? I don’t know how long we stared at each other before Laf clears their throat and pulls us back to reality. “Uh right, ok well, now that you’re all squared away and patched up, I should take off. I need to get this idiot to lock up and I think everyone else on this train would like to get going” she says almost shyly. “This is my card” she says as she proceeds to hand one to all three of us, “if you have any questions or whatever, feel free to call. I don’t think we’ll need to contact you for follow ups, it seems pretty straight forward and was witnessed by my entire unit, so Identification won’t be an issue”. I look at the card in my hand. “Commander C. Karnstein” embossed on the front. “Toronto SWAT” below with a couple of office phone numbers and a district address. I look back up to see her eyes on mine. “Thank you Commander” I say, trying to hide my disappointment that she will be walking away shortly. “My pleasure, Ms. Hollis” she says, and once again everything disappears except for us. It is short lived however, as I hear a yell of “Commander, you ready?” from the opposite side of the train. “Yeah” she yells back, “put him in the car. Alpha Team, lets roll out”, We both stand, frozen in place with her eyes still locked on mine. She starts to walk backwards towards the door of the subway car, with a goofy smile on her face. One that I can’t help but match. “See you around, Hollis”, and before I can answer, she is on the platform and the doors shut behind her. I watch her walk up the stairs with her team until the train has pulled completely out of the station and she is no longer in my field of view.

“Whew man! That was a thing!” huffs out Laf as they sit down next to Perry. “You can say that again” I mutter back as I slide into my seat. I can’t stop playing the entire interaction over and over again in my mind. Commander Karnstein. Carmilla. What a beautiful badass. She can’t possibly be that much older than me and yet here she is, in charge of Toronto SWAT and my personal knight in shining leather pants. “I think someone is in looooove” squeals Laf. “Shut it, Laf! She’s just...did you SEE HER?! She’s just so...OK fine, you might not be that far off” I say. “Too bad I’ll never see her again” that thought is enough to floor me. “Oh I don’t know about that Laura” says Perry from her seat. “Why do you say that?” I reply, genuinely curious. “She gave you her card, silly”. “Ok yeah, she did” I say slightly exasperated, “but she’s a cop and I was a victim of a crime. She has to give that to me, she gave them to you too! It doesn’t mean anything”. “Maybe so”, says Perry with a knowing smile, “but I don’t think she puts her cell phone number with a heart on the back of every card she hands out, I definitely don’t see that on mine or on Lafs..”. “What?!”, I shout as I turn it over. If I wasn’t already sitting down, I would have for sure fallen over in shock. Sure enough, on the back of the card is a handwritten number with a small heart. Below that, a message that reads “Don’t be a stranger - CK”. “Well I’ll be damned”, I say rather breathlessly. “Man” chuckles Laf, “that is one smooth officer you got there Hollis”. Yes she is, I think, as I lean back in my seat, tracing the heart on the back of the card. The pain in my wrist suddenly forgotten in its entirety.


	3. Breaking News

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drunk Laf and Laura are fun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last one for tonight as my nerves over posting have reached that inevitable "Stop it now" mood <3

“Laf!! Seriously, I will kill you where you stand! Shut up!”. We’re all back at our apartment, it’s around 11:30 pm. After we all got home, we decided after the day we had, it was an order pizza, stay in, watch whatever’s on tv, kind of night, which was currently re-runs of The Nanny. Did I mention we were drinking? No? Oh we’re also drinking. Laf has beer and I have, wait what do I have, Peach Schnapps? Lord, I’m such a lesbian. “What!?” Laf giggles out, spilling some of their beer on the carpet, “Honey...Honey please be careful” says Perry as she immediately goes to clean up Laf’s mess. “Oh sorry Per, my bad...look Laura” they say, still laughing, “I’m just saying! You have been talking about Commander Leather Pants for like...6 hours now! Give it a rest!” ‘I have not!” I protest. Ok who I am I kidding, I totally have “ok fine, maybe, maybeeee I’ve talked about her for a while but come on Laf! She’s sooooo pretty, and sexy, and and and did you see that jackass shrink down when she pulled her badge out all “I’m Commander Karnstein of SWAT” I say with as much authority as I can pull out of my voice, which, lets be honest, is not much, “and your stupid dumb ass is under arrest you dickhead!”, “Oh my God Frosh, she did not say dickhead!, You’re crazy!” Laf says as they take another sip from their beer.

“Sweetie, I think that's enough beer for one night” says Perry, “No! NO! I’m sorry, I’m sorrryyyy Perry, pleaseeeee, I’ll be more careful I promiseee!!”, “Alright fine, but this is your last one!” she says with a tone of amusement. ‘Thank you, Perry” Laf and I both say at the same time. “Laura sweetie, why don’t you just call her? She gave you her cell on the back of the card, which incidentally, you have not let go of since the train, just call her!”, says Perry as she continues to buzz around the living room, straightening up. “Ok but like what if she, I don’t know, doesn’t really like me or what if…” I start to say but am immediately cut off my Laf “Frosh no. Do not do this”, they straighten up as much as they can considering the level of drunkness they are. Drunkness? Is that a word? Drunkenness? I’m a terrible writer, I don’t know, whatever, they are drunk, but I am NOT! Except I totally am. “Frosh, I love you. You’ve been my best friend for forever, but you’ve got to stop doing this! You always do this! When something good comes along you you kick it and you you...shoot it!”. “I what?” I ask in a confused voice”. “You...aw hell, Perry what am I am trying to say?”, Laf says as they look at their girlfriend expectantly. “I got it baby, don’t worry” says Perry walking over and sitting down next to Laf. “I think what my drunk scientist is trying to say is that when it comes to relationships, everytime it could possibly be something, you come up with a reason for it to end and you run. You end it before it starts” says Perry calmly. “What wait, holllld on a second” I say in a totally sober voice cuz I am absolutely not drunk “name one time! Name one time I did that!”. Laf sits up, oh shit this won’t be good for me “Carrie Brown”, they say, “she spit when she talked!” I fire back, “Annie Holmes” Perry says, “Oh come off it, she had that stupid little rat of a dog that I swear was out to get me”, “Tiffany Saunders” says Laf, “ok even you hated her” I said pointing a finger at Laf, “she hated hockey...HOCKEY LAF…”, “Ok, Ok, i’ll give you that one” snickers Laf. “The point is, Laura, everytime you get involved with someone, you find a reason to leave shortly after you start it. You haven't dated anyone since college and today, you meet a woman who is nice, smart, confident, sexy, sorry Laf, funny, sure of herself and has clearly accomplished a lot. What’s the problem?” says Perry. “I don’t know...what if i’m not good enough? What if she says no? She’s the Commander of SWAT for Christ sake guys. SWAT!! That’s like...a huge deal! I work as a small time journalist at a tiny newspaper, I can’t, I’m not what she wants, `` I say rather sadly.

“Laura” begins Perry, “sweetie, you’re worth everything. You have to believe that. You’re amazing and once more, you seem to keep forgetting that she gave you her number. I saw the way she looked at you today. She feels something for you. Don’t run away from something before it starts because you’re afraid of what might happen. Run towards it because of what could happen.`` damn Perry and her awesome speeches. “Ok Frosh” says Laf, climbing off the couch and over to me on the floor, “I’ll make you a deal. You look me dead in my face, right here in my eyeballs and tell me Carmilla isn’t special to you, and I'll shut up about her. I won’t say another word. You look me right here in my face and say Commander Carmilla Karnstein isn’t someone you want to be with, or at least try with, and I will move on from this conversation”. I already know, the moment they say tell them Carmilla means nothing, that I’m a goner. I can’t say that. How could I? “Ok fine, you’re right. She’s...God she’s so special and I like her and I just don’t know what to do!” I say as I slam my face down into the pillows beside me “why did she have to look so good in that leather jacket though? Why is her stupid face so pretty?” Her face is not stupid, totally absolutely not stupid.

“Carmilla” begins, Perry, “I know I know!” I say, “No” Perry starts again, “Carmilla, that’s Carmilla, on the tv!”. I turn and stare. No longer are reruns of The Nanny on, but instead, “BREAKING NEWS” flashes in red across the screen and there, front and center, standing tense against a Humvee with the word S.W.A.T. emblazoned on the side in white, is Carmilla, surrounded by at least twenty five men and women, all either looking at her or at the building in front of her. “Laf! Turn it up!” I shout as I move to get a better view. “We don’t know much Bob” says the news reporter standing not far from where Carmilla is. “What we do know is that there are at least 40 hostages inside, a security guard has been shot and killed and there are, I believe, 6 men, armed with heavy weaponry. The victims were inside to see the late showing of Captain Marvel, when the men broke into theater 9. It’s being said at least one of them is a disgruntled employee who was fired last week. SWAT has been brought in, led by Commander Karnstein, as you can see over my right shoulder. They seem to be gearing up to go inside as all attempts to reach a peaceful end have been met with negative effects”. Did he just say someone was killed? Men with guns? And Carmilla is going in? I don’t think I have ever sobered up faster in my life than this moment right now. “Holy fuck” says laf, “Language!” snaps Perry, “Sorry Perry, but I mean, look at what’s going on!”. Perry ignores them and turns to look at Laura. “Laura, are you…”, she doesn’t finish her sentence as the reporter starts talking again “Ok, there seems to be some movement over by Commander Karnstein, lets see if we can hear what they’re saying, I think we’re on the same frequency”, “Wait what?” says Perry, “they can’t do that can they? Just tap into Police frequencies?”, “No”, I huff out, “they most certainly can not”

That’s when I hear it, her voice, it’s slightly cracked over the radio, but it’s her, the camera moves on a close up where Carmilla is currently standing and I can’t look away. “Dispatch, This is Commander Karnstein. All air waves open. Alpha team on me!” she barks orders as a group of 6-7 men and women move closer to her, “Bravo, Charlie, Delta teams, you’re on perimeter and possible exfil, you move on my orders. Get the K-9s ready. Kirsh! Blake!”, that’s when I see the guys from the train snap to attention, “Park your asses on the high corner, it’ll be tight but find a shot, do not go green until I tell you to. Move out!”. Laf, Perry and I are pretty much just holding our breath at this point. Then I hear her voice again, “Wait, what the hell is that static?” she says, clearly confused, looking at her radio and pulling on her ear piece. “Will!” she yells into her mic, “Will! Clean this up! I can’t hear shit!, Will! Can you hear me!? Will!”, even though Carmilla was clearly annoyed by whatever was happening, I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She was in her element. Seeing her on the train was one thing but this, God she is breathtaking. “Will! For fucks sake...WILL!”, “Well”, says the reporter, “it seems that the commander is having some communication issues on the ground, that’s not good”. No, it’s not good I think, but what’s even worse, is that he seems to have said that last part loud enough for Carmilla to hear and “oh holy hell”, says Laf, “Carmilla is going to kill him” they continue.

I watch, transfixed as Carmilla purposely walks over to where the reporter stands and starts holding her radio around the wires plugged into the sound board. “Uh Commander” says the man, “what are you..”. Before he can finish his sentence, Carmilla's radio emits a high pitched sound of interference. She slowly clips her radio onto her belt, and yanks a chord out of the sound board, there's a handwritten label waving in the wind. It’s close enough to the camera for everyone in Toronto to see what is says, “SWAT RADIO”. Carmilla looks murderous. “What the fuck is this” she says, staring straight at the man holding the microphone. “It’s um, we just wanted to give the viewers at home a play by play of what was going on here. Free speech and all, you know, Commander?`` yeah ok that was absolutely the wrong thing to say. I watch as Carmilla takes a steadying breath, and stares directly at the man, “You will never”, she begins in a tone that causes a shiver down my spine, “hijak my frequency again. You are interfering with police business. You are fucking with my systems which is making it so I can’t communicate with my team. I am attempting to get 40 hostages out of a dark and cramped movie theater where they are currently being held at gunpoint by 6 heavily armed men. A security guard has been shot and killed. Not to mention, I have no idea if they have access to the news inside, I’m guessing yes due to smartphones, but because of your little broadcast, you have now given them the locations of my snipers and my other units as well as putting the victims inside at risk. If i didn’t have to re-work my entire fucking plan right now, you would be in the back of my car in cuffs. If i ever find out you have tampered with police communications again to bump up your ratings or for any reason at all, I will make it my mission to see you thrown in a cell for the remainder of your natural life”. She then proceeds to pick up the sound board and smash in into pieces “Hey! You broke my equipment!”, “Fucking bill me!” yells Carmilla.

She is now back on the radio, no doubt coming up with a new strategy, but her words aren’t heard by the masses anymore. I really can’t look away, and neither can Laf and Perry it seems. Damn, she’s good. I get it now, I mean I got it before but i REALLY get it now. I watch as she tightens the straps on her vest, and checks her ammo. I watch as her unit does the same. All eyes are on Carmilla as she pulls out her phone to check something while at the same time, points to her team to start making their way to the entrance. I don’t know why at that exact moment, an idea enters my mind. I grab my phone and the card with Carmilla's number and open up a message. After I hit send, I look up and watch as Carmilla reads something on her screen, gives a small smile and moves her fingers across her device. She then turns towards the camera, gives a mock salute, pockets her phone and joins her unit. A moment later, they’re gone from view. “What the hell was that?” said Laf. “What?” I say in a voice that I attempt to disguise as confusion. “She saluted the camera, Frosh..”, “Oh that”, I say “Uh yeah, I have no idea what that was about” as I turn my phone over to the open text thread:

 _To: Commander Karnstein  
Laura: Hey Carmilla, it’s Laura Hollis. From the train. I’m watching the news. Please, please be safe._  
_Commander Karnstein: Anything for you, cupcake <3_  
  
It’s as if the world has stopped, but that would be impossible because if it had, it would not be as loud as my tv is making it seem. All I can do is huddle next to Laf and Perry and nervously shove cookies in my mouth. “Come on Carm” I softly say at the tv. That’s when I hear it. Gun fire. Let me tell you, it does not sound at all like what Hollywood makes it sound like. “Come on Carm”, I say again, “Ow, Frosh! Jesus, let up will ya?”, “What? Oh sorry Laf”, I say as I loosen my grip on their arm. Where is she? Why isn’t she out yet? “There!” yells Perry. That’s when I see her. She’s walking out of the theater followed by her team, the hostages and 6 men in handcuffs. “Oh my God, she did it” I say. “Of course she did Frosh, come on now, your girl is a boss!” exclaims Laf. I watch, spellbound, as Carmilla removes her helmet and walks over to check on the hostages. I see Danny start to administer IVs and I watch as she hugs Carmilla. I’m not jealous, that’s totally fine, they’re just friends...whatever, I said I’m fine! Carmilla heads over to her team and I drop my head into my hands “Jesus, she’s going to be the death of me” I say softly.

“Wow” starts Perry, “Carmilla really is…” and then she stops. I look up at her and my stomach drops at the look on her face. Her face is ashen and she is staring, not blinking, at the tv. I look from her to the screen and it’s as if everything moves in slow motion. Carmilla, who was standing next to Kirsh, suddenly drops to her knees and Kirsh reaches out to her while screaming at the paramedics by the waiting ambulances as he lays Carmilla down on the ground as gently as possible. I see Danny run and push the rest of the officers out of the way, with tears in her eyes, as she reaches for gauze packets. There’s so much blood. How is there so much blood? I watch as Carmilla's seemingly lifeless body is put on a backboard and loaded into an ambulance, Danny jumps in the back along with Kirsh and another young looking man in a gray polo that ran over at the commotion, a look of pure fear on his face. I watch as her entire unit pile into police cars, flick their lights and sirens on and chase behind the ambulance as it speeds away into the night where my vision can’t follow. I watch, as the reporter comes back on screen and grimly says, “Commander Karnstein has been shot in the line of duty and is en route to the hospital”. And I listen, when that same reporter says the two words that cause my heart to stop; “Condition unknown”.


	4. The Chaos is Quiet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's see how Laura handles Carmilla's current circumstances, shall we? <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hi :)  
> Thank you all for the comments telling me to keep going. It's been a process.  
> Still working out some stuff and trying to get over some writers block moments but hopefully this next chapter keeps you going!  
> You might notice some W. Earp-esque dialogue in this one. There's a noticeable split but seeing as it would have been two short chapters, decided to post it all as one. Hopefully it flows ok. 
> 
> As always, Happy Reading! :)

I keep hearing this buzzing sound. What is that? The AC unit? I just had that fixed, damn it! I’ll have to call them tomorrow. It is raining? No, that’s stupid, it wouldn’t be raining inside, come on Laura, but then, why is my face wet? Seriously, what is that fucking buzzing? It’s so damn loud!  
“Laura!”, is that Laf? “What?” I answer, somewhat confused. “Oh sweetie” says Perry. “What?” I repeat. “We’ve been calling your name for almost five minutes,'' responds Perry. “Oh”, I say quietly. Laf looks scared as they place their arm on mine, “Come on Laura, get up. We’re going to the hospital”. Well that doesn’t make sense. “What? No, I’m fine. Are you guys ok? You look ok. I don’t need to go to the hospital, I’m not sick or anything” I say but am immediately thrown off by that annoying buzzing sound. Can they seriously not hear that?  
“Laura, the hospital’s not for you or for us. We thought, well, Carmilla’s there” says Perry but the way she says it is kind of distant “Oh, is she? Is she visiting someone?” I ask innocently. Laf and Perry share a concerned look and Laf gets really close to my face, they have to hear this buzzing sound now, are they messing with me? They really can’t hear that? “Frosh! Snap out of it!”, they yell, “Carmilla was shot! We just saw it on the news!”, “Honey, she’s in shock” whispers Perry. “LAURA EILEEN HOLLIS! Snap the fuck out of it! Carmilla was shot! Get up!” Laf screams will smacking my arm.  
Carmilla. Man, she is so pretty, and warm and funny. I should text her. I want to see her again, she’s amazing she’s...hey the buzzing stopped. Carmilla. It’s too quiet now. Carmilla. The buzzing. Carmilla. Hospital. News. Condition Unknown. Carmilla was... “Oh my God, Carmilla!” I’m on my feet now. “She was shot! Carmilla! We have to go! I need to go, I need...Wait no!, I just met her! I can’t, I can’t just show up! I, but she…she can’t die Laf! She can’t! I just..I didn’t get the chance to, she can’t die!” I am in full on panic mode at this point.  
“Laura! Laura, relax. Take a deep breath ok? I know you met this morning, but I’d bet my life she’d want you there”. Is that my phone ringing? “Now”, continues Laf, “go wash the tears off your face, find a jacket and let's go”. “Tears?” I ask confused. “Laura, honey, you’re crying” says Perry softly. I reach up and touch my face. When I pull my hand away, I see wetness. Well, that’s a better explanation than rain in the apartment. Seriously, who is calling me? “Ok, ok, I’ll go clean up quickly, can one of you guys answer my phone?” I say in a rush to my room. Why does everything I own have animal print on it? I have got to have something that doesn’t look like it came from GAP kids.  
“Uh, Laura?” I hear Laf shout from the other room. “Yeah Laf?” I say as I’m half way in my closet at this point. “Uh, your phone ID says Carmilla is calling you…”, “What!?” oh shit fuck that hurt, stupid fucking shelf. I’m going to write Ikea a very strongly worded letter in the morning. I full on sprint out of my room, dodge the coffee table and snatch my phone from Laf. “Hello!?” I yell “Hello?! Carmilla? Hello!?”. “Laura? Is that you?” well, that’s not Carmilla. “Uh, yes? Who is this?” i ask somewhat tentatively. “Laura, It’s Danny. Danny Lawrence. The paramedic from this morning? Carms friend?” Danny rushes out. “Oh, Hi Danny. Yes of course. Wait, why are you calling me?” my anxiety is now through the roof. “Where’s Carmilla? I saw on the news she was...I mean is she ok? She’s not…” I can’t say it. She has to be alive. “She’s ok, right?” I ask. “She’s alive” says Danny in a pained voice, and I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. “She’s alive, that’s why I’m calling. She woke up briefly in the ambulance and all she said was ‘tell Laura i’m ok’ and then she passed out again. She knew you were watching. She’s...God I don’t know Laura, I…” Danny starts to cry. “There was so much blood and I just, fuck I froze! I’m a paramedic and I fucking froze and..,” Ok I can’t take this anymore. “Danny! Danny just stop, ok?” I say in a tone that’s more harsh than usual, “I can’t understand you right now and I’m having a hard time with pretty much every part of this. You said she’s alive? She woke up? So it can’t be THAT bad right?” I wince at that, because of course it’s bad, she was shot. “The bullet hit her in her left shoulder. It was a through and through which is good but the bullet broke apart and pieces went everywhere, that’s the main concern. The doctors think it fractured her clavicle and they’re also concerned it hit an artery, which would explain the blood loss. They think her adrenaline was so high from the firefight, that she didn’t realize anything had happened until she was back with us and then she just...she just fell down and that’s when...well you know the rest”, says Danny, and yes I do know the rest. I watched it happen.  
“She was wearing a vest though! I saw her! She put her vest on and her helmet and then went inside!” I said. “Armor piercing rounds” says Danny with a darkness to her voice. “One of them had armor piercing rounds or what is commonly known as ‘Cop Killer’ rounds”. Oh I will kill them. I will go down to that jail and fucking murder every last one of them.  
“Wait a minute,” I say, remembering something Danny just said. “Did you say she woke up and mentioned me?”. I see Lafs eyes bulge out of their head and stare at me. “Yeah”, replies Danny and while I have a million things going on in my mind, I can’t help but hear a slight edge in the way she says that. “Yeah she did. I was in the back of the ambo with her and she just kept saying your name. She wasn’t fully conscious at this point but she just kept muttering your name over and over”. I feel dizzy now. “My...my name?” I whisper, not quite believing it. “Yes, Laura. Your name”, there’s that tone again. “She woke up a few minutes later, and that’s when she said to call you, so I found her phone and saw that you had texted her so now, here we are” finishes Danny.  
She said my name. She asked about me. This woman, who I just met, who was just shot, asked for me. Ok that’s too much to unpack right now. “What hospital” I yell in Danny’s ear. “Saint Andrews” she responds. “We’re on our way” and before Danny can respond, I hang up and drop the phone on the chair.  
I feel like I’m vibrating. Is this really happening right now? Laf and Perry are staring at me. She said my name. She said my name and wanted me to know she’s ok. Jesus, what does this mean? Am I her friend? Am I her person? That’s too Grey’s Anatomy. 9 hours. It’s been 9 hours. 9 hours since this woman blew into my life and shook me to my core and now she’s laying in a hospital bed and I have to go. I have to be there. God, I’m so confused. What do I do? Fuck this, girl the hell up Hollis! Move your ass! “Ok!” I say slapping my hands together to get some feeling back into my body, “Ok, she’s at Saint Andrews. Lets go”. “I’ve got the keys!” yells Laf, “Laura, go get your jacket! It’s freezing outside!” mothers Perry, “Shit, you’re right ok, ummm…”, “Frosh, Perry and I will go pull the car around front, you grab your jacket and probably a phone charger and we’ll meet you downstairs”, “Right” I say in Laf’s direction, “Yup, that will work. Ok”.  
Jacket in hand, I walk back to the table to grab my phone. I glance at the tv, which is still reporting the incident. “Commander Karnstein Shot” is scrolling across the bottom of the screen and I feel nauseous. Where is the damn remote? “Fucking finally” i mutter, as I see it underneath the table. I turn it off just as those stupid reporters are picking apart Carmilla’s “performance”, as they say. “She should have punched you in the face when she had the chance” I say bitterly in the direction of the tv. As i put the remote down and turn to leave, I see the business card Carmilla gave me earlier. I freeze. I pick it up as if it’s the most fragile thing I’ve ever held in my life. I run my fingers over the embossed “C. Karnstein” on the front so gently, I’m not even sure I touched it. I take one last look at the handwriting on the back and lightly kiss where she has drawn the heart. “Hold on Carm” I whisper, “I’m coming” and I run out the door. 

\-----------------------------------------------------------

The elevator is moving far to slow for my liking so I take the stairs. Fucking ninth floor! Why did I ever pick a ninth floor apartment!? Oh wait...I know why...

“I don’t want you living on the bottom floor Laura! It’s so easy for people on the bottom floor to have their apartments broken into! What have I always said?” your dad is now looking at you with his serious face on. “Uh” you respond as best you can around a mouthful of pancakes, “That I shouldn’t be living in the city and that I should come home and move back into my own room and stay here forever and never leave?”. “Well, I mean yes, I’d love to have you here, you know that pumpkin!” “Dad!”, “Ok, Ok, it was worth a try. So what do I always say, you know, besides that?” he says as he pours more syrup on my plate. “If I live in the city, I need to live in an apartment that’s at least on the 6th floor”. “Right you are pumpkin! Hot chocolate?”

Are you happy dad? I’m on the 9th fucking floor, and I’m going to have a heart attack from these damn stairs!! As soon as I can, I’m writing good old dad, Sherman Hollis, a letter telling him about how I had to do so much cardio, and he knows how much I hate cardio. Who runs for fun? I mean seriously...ok focus Hollis.  
“Took you long enough Frosh!” Laf yells as I burst out the front doors completely out of breath. “Shut up!” I bellow, come on lungs, work. “Get in the damn car!”. We all climb in and are finally on our way to the hospital. No one says anything for the first few minutes and I see Perry turn to face me from the front seat, “Hey Sweetie?” she says lovingly, “Yeah Per?” I didn’t realize how drained I was until I stopped moving. “I just um, do you find it, I don’t know, odd, that Carmilla asked for you in the ambulance? I mean you just met and all and..” Perry says nervously. My skin starts to tingle “And what, Perry?” I say somewhat hotly, “Frosh…” warns Laf from the driver's seat, “It’s ok Laf, dear, relax”, “and what Perry?” I say again to her as she turns back. “I’m just worried. Look, I know that both Laf and I have been encouraging you to reach out to her, and I do still truly believe she is something special, but this is...I mean Laura, there is something drastically different between trying to set up a first date with a woman you just met, to rushing to the hospital in the middle of the night to sit by her bedside”. Perry continues to look at me, almost scared, and Laf keeps checking me in the rearview mirror.  
At first I feel mad. They were basically up my ass about her the entire day! She just said we needed to go!! She told me to go! What the hell?! I feel like I’m going to hulk out or something and all I want to do is scream, but when I open my mouth, my words are surprisingly soft and not at all what I meant to say. “I know”, I start, “I know I just met her. I know this seems insane and I can’t explain it I just…” I sigh and look at Perry, “Have you ever met someone and instantly knew in your heart, that they meant something to you?”, Perry looks softly at Laf and gives them a loving smile, “I can kind of get that, yeah” as Laf smiles back and puts a had on her thigh. “It’s like that” I say. “I don’t know what this is. When I saw her today, something moved within me. Something clicked. When she touched me, my body felt like it was on fire. I’ve never felt that before. I don’t know what I feel about all of this because yes, this is absolutely insane. I just knew she’s special. She’s important and I think, I hope, I mean something to her too. I can’t explain it Per, I just...I just need to be there. I need to see her. Whatever happens..” I start to choke up again, “whatever happens, I need to be there. With her. I’ll figure the rest out later.” I finish as I look Perry right in her eyes. “Well ok then Laura, let's get you to Carmilla”.  
We finally reach the hospital, and Laf pulls the car up to the front entrance. “Jesus, that’s a lot of cop cars”, says Laf. “Is anyone actually working right now?”. They’re not wrong. It looks like the entire Toronto Police force is parked out here. “Ok Perry, you take Laura inside. Find Carmilla. I’ll park the car and come find you”. “I don’t know..where do we go?” I say slightly panicked. “Well” starts Laf, “You could call Danny? I mean she called you from Carmilla's phone so she most likely still has it and she’ll see it’s you calling. Though I’d also say a safe bet is following the million officers that are walking in and out of here”. “That’s true” I say but I still haven’t moved. “Laura, hey Laura” says Laf patiently. I look up and I can feel the tears. “Laura, she told Danny to call you. She wants you here. She needs you here. Carmilla needs you”. “Carmilla needs me” I say almost timidly. “Come on Hollis, like you mean it” says Laf with a bit of a smile. I take a deep breath then and strongly say “Carmilla needs me”. That realization is enough to shake away the doubt and fear. “Go get your girl, Frosh” says Laf and smacks me on my knee. I really don’t know what I would do without them or Perry. My two best friends. My family.  
I open the door and jump out as Perry rushes around to meet me. She kisses Laf and we both turn to face the hospital, arm in arm, as Laf drives away to find parking. We walk up the path that leads directly to the hospital. As we do, we pass a few officers here and there. Some are on their phones, others are simply sitting on the benches, with somber looks and tired faces. We stop just outside the entrance. “She needs me” I say again. “She needs you” repeats Perry as she lightly squeezes my arm. “Here we go” I breathe out and I pull Perry into the emergency room, the doors slide closed behind us.


	5. Dragons v. Butterflys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Let's see how our Commander is doing shall we? 
> 
> also, Laura is a spaz and Kirsh is a puppy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thanks for sticking with me so far. Writing is hard :) Happy reading!

Chapter 5: Wake up

_*Beep Beep Beep* “We’re losing her!”, “Mom!, Mom hold on, please!*, *Charge the paddles, push an Epi”, “Mom!”, “Someone get this kid out of here!”, “Laura!”, “Mom no!”, “Laura!”, “Mom please! Wake up! ``''Laura!!’ *Flatline* “I’m, sorry”, “MOM! WAKE UP!”, “She’s gone”, “WAKE UP!!”, “LAURA!*_

“Laura!”. I”m shaken out of my memory by Perry. “Laura honey, are you ok? I’ve been trying to get your attention for a little bit” says Perry gently. “Yeah. Yeah sorry, I just...I just hate hospitals” I say in a quiet voice. “I know sweetie, but I’m right here, ok?” she places her hand on my arm and gives me a soft smile. “Ok lets just, um, lets just try to figure out how to find Carmilla ok?” I say, shaking her off slightly and looking around the room. Holy Hufflepuff, there are so many cops in here. They’re everywhere. They're, well, they’re her family, of course they’re here. She’s here. She’s here somewhere. “I’m just going to try to call Danny” I tell Perry, as I take my phone out of my pocket. I pull up Carmilla’s contact and stare at her name. How I wish it was her voice I was about to hear on the other end. I hit connect, put the phone to my ear, and I wait.

“Hey Laura, are you here?” inquires Danny. “Yeah, we’re standing at the front near the information desk but it’s insane out here and I can’t get close enough to ask where to go”. “Ok, hold tight. I’m sending Kirsh out to get you. He’ll bring you back”, and with that, Danny hangs up and I pocket my phone. “Danny is sending that officer from the train, Kirsh, to meet us” I tell Perry as I move to the side of the room and motion Perry to follow. It doesn’t take long before I hear “Laura!”, I turn and see him walking towards us. He is pretty cute, you know, for a man. A boy. A boy man? I don’t know. He looks young is my point, whatever. “Laura, Hi! We haven't officially been introduced. I’m Corporal Winston Kirsh but everyone calls me Kirsh, because that’s my last name and we go by last names so that’s why I’m, you know, called Kirsh…” he trails off. It’s adorable. Ok boy man is how I’m describing him from now on. “Nice to officially meet you Kirsh. This is my friend Perry. She was also on the train and her partner, Laf, will be joining us as soon as they find parking, which judging by their texts to Perry, is proving rather difficult”.  
“Oh yeah” says Kirsh “That’s most likely our bad. Well, all of our bads, actually” as he points around to all the other officers in the area. “We didn’t really pull into spots. We kind of just put our trucks and cars and stuff wherever we could so we could come in and check on, uh, well you know, we just wanted to get in as soon as possible” he says somewhat sadly. I reach out then and lay a hand on his. “I know, Kirsh. I get it” and he gives me a small smile. “Tell you what” he says as he claps his hands together, “Tell Laf to pull back around and I’ll send one of our techs out to meet her”. “Them”, says Perry. Kirsh looks over confused. “Them” she repeats. “Laf identifies as non-binary, so they go by they/them pronouns”. “Oh right on!” says Kirsh excitedly “Ok, so I’ll have one my techs run out and meet Laf, that way they can park next to us up front, no probs!”. Perry looked delighted and I have decided that Kirsh is my favorite officer ever. Well not my favorite, favorite. I definitely don’t picture him in black leather pants. Oh ew, ewwww I just did. Oh gross. “Well Thank you very much Kirsh!” replies Perry. “No problem ginger hottie!”. Perry looks at me with wide eyes and I can’t help but giggle.

“Armitage! Yo! Armitage! Come here!”, I turn in the direction of where Krish just yelled and see a young man in a black polo walk towards us. He has kind eyes and long hair that looks, well honestly way fucking better than mine! I’m going to have to ask him about this later because my God that is shiny. “Hey bro” he says to Kirsh, “What’s up?”. “Armitage, these lovely...I’m sorry, do you also go by they/them?” he asks genuinely. “Oh no, we don’t. She/her is just fine, but that was very sweet of you to ask” says Perry with a large smile. Way to go Kirsh, you just bought yourself a lifetime supply of baked goods from bakery a la Perry. “Did you hear that!? She said I’m sweet. Ok anyways, these lovely ladies are here to see Carmilla. This is Perry and this is Laura”. The young man turns to look at me and smiles “Ah, so this is Miss Laura Hollis, the beautiful damsel in distress from the train. Camilla talked a lot about you” he said, noticing the look on my face. “Oh” I say. This is fine. I’m totally fine with this information. “Yeah, yeah I...I guess that’s me. I’m Laura”, stop blushing you idiot for Dumbledore's sake!

“So Perry’s partner Laf is circling the building trying to find parking. Think you can run out and park them near the SWAT truck?” “I’d be happy to” he says as he turns to face Perry. “Excuse me, maam. Would you mind coming with and pointing out your car? “Oh uh, yeah sure” she answers as she looks at me nervously. “Don’t worry, little hottie here is safe with me!” says Kirsh as he puts his arm around me. I should be upset by this action but this man is like stupid adorable and I just want to put him in my pocket and carry him around, although that would probably be hard to do with a 6’2” military looking man. “Go Per. I’ll meet you inside. Thanks Armitage” I say as I hold out my hand to him. “It’s my pleasure. And please, call me J.P. Any friends of Carmilla's are friends of mine” he says returning the hand shake. Friend? I repeat in my head. Friend. I’m Carmilla's friend. I’m her, yeah whatever no. Not trying to figure that out right now. “Ok, Laura, lets go!” says Kirsh and I turn and walk down the hall next to him. 

He’s silent for a while, but then he looks at me and says “How are you holding up?”. “Oh Gosh, I uh, that is a loaded question” I say as I struggle to find words to describe what i’m feeling. “This has both felt like the shortest and longest day of my life. I just, I really hope she’s ok. I know I just met her and it probably seems crazy to everyone else, hell, it seems crazy to me but I just...She’s special”. I feel like that sentence is on repeat from me but I don’t know what else to say. “Yeah” says Kirsh, “yeah she is. She’s the best”. I turn to look at him and that’s when I finally notice the faint look of blood on his uniform. Carmilla's blood. From when he caught her. We keep walking. “How are you, Kirsh? Are you, I mean, are you doing ok? I know you’re the one who...I mean I saw it on the news”. He sighs and puts his hands on his vest. Hooking them near his radio. “I’m ok, I guess. I mean I don’t really know. As cops, SWAT officers, we’re used to tense situations. Dangerous situations. I mean that’s pretty much all we do, you know? I’ve been in firefights hundreds of times, and it’s never easy seeing someone you know get hurt, but Carmilla...Carmilla is different. She’s not just my boss. She’s my mentor. My partner. She gave me a chance to be in this unit. Her Unit. Alpha Unit, which is so so hard to get into because EVERYBODY wants to work with Carmilla. Like, literally everybody. She’s so good at her job. Ask anyone who the best officer is and they all say Carmilla. She’s my friend. She’s my family and seeing her like that...I couldn’t not catch her, you know? I don’t know what I’d do if she…” He doesn’t finish that sentence.  
I swallow the lump in my throat and look up at him. “She’s strong Kirsh” I say. “From the moment she opened her mouth on the train this morning, I knew that. She’s strong. She’s a badass. She’ll be ok Krish. She has to be”, I don’t know if I said that last part for him or for me but it doesn’t make it any less true. She has to be ok. Kirsh looks at me for a few seconds with a soft smile, “Boss lady was right” he says, “You are pretty great, little hottie. Are you sure you only met her this morning?” he laughs as he again puts his arm around me, and walks me into yet around another filled with officers. 

The good thing is, I'm now in a room where I recognize most of the faces. This room is filled with Carmilla’s unit. Her people. Her friends. I see Danny over by the coffee machine and I signal to Kirsh I’m going to head in that direction. He gives me a small hug and heads off to his left where I see some of the men from the train, an older looking gentleman with a gold badge pinned to his chest and that young guy I saw get into the back of the ambulance with Carmilla. He’s still wearing his gray polo and he looks completely exhausted. His head is in his hands. He only moves when Kirsh comes over. Kirsh sits, and says some words to him. I can’t hear them but the young man looks up, his eyes lock on mine. Those eyes hold something familiar to me, they look like Carmilla’s. 

“Hey Danny” I say as I reach the coffee cart. “Oh. Hey Hollis. Glad you could make it”, Is she though? “Where are my ginger buddies at? “Oh, J.P and Perry went out to help Laf find parking. They should be back here soon” I answer as I grab an empty coffee cup from the stack. “Sugar?” says Danny. Well absolutely obviously yes, who drinks it without sugar? That’s ridiculous. Oh wait, be cool. “Yeah, thanks”, see? Totally cool. “How many? One or two?” she says picking up a couple packets. Ah fuck, well there goes cool. “...Six?” I say. “Six sugars? Jesus Laura, you’re going to be bouncing all over the damn place” says Danny laughing. “Yeah well”, I say smiling in response “I have a bit of a sweet tooth’. We stand there quietly. Occasionally stirring our coffees as we each try to figure out what to do next. 

Perfect timing thank God, I think as I see Perry’s crazy redheaded self fly into the room we’re in with Laf and J.P. behind her. Perry makes a beeline for me. “I swear” she says dramatically, “Not five minutes in and they’re connected at the hip! J.P saw the Anglar Inc sticker on the back of the car and immediately freaked out. They both started talking about electronphoto something or other and now they won’t shut up!”. Danny laughs at this and simply says “J.P. is the head of our forensic department. He’s basically a walking science lab himself”. Oh my God there’s two of them now. There are TWO LAF’S!!! Jesus Pete this is gonna get weird...er….

We continue to stand there for a few more minutes, just getting to know each other more and watching J.P. and Laf attempting some kind of experiment using coffee filters and, wait hold up is that bleach? Oh my God, Laf needs to put that down! “Lafontaine!!! Put that down right this instant!!” Say’s Perry. Yup, Laf is in trouble now. Perry looks to be reading the two of them the riot act when all of a sudden, it gets quiet. The double doors have opened and a doctor walks out in a pristine white coat. You could hear a pin drop…

“Can I please speak with the family of Commander Carmilla Karnstein?” she says as she looks around the room. No one moves. Everyone stares back with a look as if to say “we are her family”, and it’s true. The doctor seems to pick up on this and her gaze softens. “I’m sorry, I mean to say may I speak with a blood relative of the Commander, please?”. That’s when I see the young man in the gray polo, who I briefly locked eyes with, stand up. Well of course he’s related to Carmilla. They have the same eyes. He says something to the doctor and she nods her head and the young man turns to the older gentleman to his right. The one with the gold badge, and when he stands to move towards the young man and the doctor, the officers seem to straighten up. We all watch as they walk out and the tension once again fills the room.

After what seems like 10 years, which is actually more like twenty minutes, the two men return. “Will”, says Kirsh. As in the same “Will” Carmilla was yelling at on the radio? Guess it’s a family business. “Will” he repeats, “What’s going on? Is she ok?”. Will looks up at Kirsh with tired eyes and then over to the older man. “Danny, who is Will to Carmilla and who is that older guy?” I whisper. “Will’s her brother and that other man is Chief Holliday” she says rather curtly. I expect she’s just nervous about what we’re about to be told which, you know, FREAKING VALID because I am FREAKING OUT. 

“I got it Will” says the Chief with a deep voice and a hand on Wills shoulder. Will looks at him gratefully and moves to the side. “Ok”, he begins, “first and foremost, Commander Karnstein is going to be ok”. Oh for fuck’s sake, thank God, thank you Lord, thank you to the 12th doctor, thank you Buffy, thank you hershey’s chocolate company, thank you Tim Horton’s, thank you everything ever. I hear a collective sigh mixed with cheers from the surrounding officers and friends. I hear a whimper from Danny as she sits down in the chair next to me. “Yes, Yes” continues the chief with a smile, “calm down, calm down. Now, she has a long way to go but the doctors were able to get all of the bullet fragments out and tie off the damaged artery. She’s going to need some rehab and will be out of the field for a while”. “Oh she’s gonna love that” says Kirsh sarcastically. “However”, continues the Chief, “if she keeps on track with everything and takes it slow”, that earns a laugh from pretty much everyone, the Chief included, “the doctors expect her to make a full recovery and to have full range of motion in her arm. Now all we need is for her to wake up. Which hopefully and God willing, will be fairly soon”. Officers start to high five each other and Kirsh runs over and picks up Will, who still looks rather stressed but happy. “Alright! Settle!” yells the Chief and everyone stops at once. “In the meantime, we will be charging the individuals from earlier with many things, including conspiracy to commit murder of a Law Enforcement officer. Since there’s nothing left here for you guys to do, I need you all back on the road. All SWAT calls will go through me until further notice and I’ll let you know what Units are to roll out. Unit Captains, I’ll need you to step up now. She’s got a long road ahead but she’ll pull through just fine.” he finishes. 

I look around at all the happy faces and turn to see Laf and Perry smiling widely at me. An officer on the other side of Danny raises his hand. “Yeah, Fisher?” says the Chief. “Sorry sir, just...she’s coming back right? To SWAT? She’s still our Commander?”. Everyone stops again, and turns to look, eagerly awaiting his response. Chief pauses for a moment before looking straight at Fisher, a twinkle in his eye; “You think I’m crazy enough to replace Karnstein?” he laughs as everyone joins in. “She’ll be back Fish. She’s still your Commander. Alright everyone back to work!”

She’s ok. She’s going to be fine. She’s ok. My God I need cookies. Or candy. Or hell, I'll take hospital jello at this point. I feel Perrys fingers on my face and turn. “I’m just wiping off the tears sweetie”, she says with a warm smile. “She’s ok Per” I say rather weakly, “She’s gonna be ok”. “I know honey, that’s great!” she replies. I turn to look at Danny who is staring at the floor. “Danny?” I say somewhat cautiously. “Thank God!” says Danny suddenly. “When that bitch wakes up, I’m gonna slap the shit out of her for scaring me like that”, she says lovingly. Danny turns to me then. “Laura, look, I’m...I’m sorry if I was rude or anything during this. I just...she’s my best friend. She’s my best friend in the world and…”, “And I’m a stranger” I finish for her. “No really Danny, it’s ok. I know this might seem weird to everybody else but Carmilla means something to me. I…” Don’t say something stupid like love, Hollis, that would be insane, “I care about her. And I’m hoping you and I can be friends? Or at least, recognize that we are two people that care about her.” I say hopefully. 

“Come on Hollis” she says all of a sudden. “Where are we going?” I reply. “To see Carmilla, duh”. “No we can’t! She’s in recovery! Visiting hours are over! We’ll get in trouble!”. I only say that to mask the fact that while I am very very grateful Carmilla is ok, I’m not ready. I...I don’t think I’m ready to see her. I mean I want to but Jesus hell the butterflies in my stomach feel like they just gave birth to more butterflies who then made friends with Dragons and they're all playing a rousing game of...of something, I don’t know what, just something and OH MY GOD I’M NERVOUS!. “Frosh”, says Laf; “Go. This is why we’re here right? Go.” I turn back to Danny. “Um, are we even allowed?” I ask. “Girl, please” she says amused, I’m the head paramedic. I'm here all the time. Plus the charging nurse is sweet on me...come on!”. 

We duck out of the room and head down towards the nurses station. Danny stops for a second, seemingly searching for something. “Ah, there she is,” she says brightly. Ok, I guess it was more of a someone, which is fine. I’m still having a dragon/butterfly “WELCOME TO THE THUNDERDOME” thing happening in my stomach, but cool. “Well hey there, beautiful” says Danny rather smoothly. A blonde haired woman turns to look at Danny. There’s an amused look on her face but she quickly looks back down at her clipboard and starts to write something. “Medic Lawrence. What do you need now?”. “Aw come on S.J., don’t be like that. I just wanted to introduce little Laura Hollis to the best charging nurse in all of Toronto!”. “What? Hey!” I say rather indignantly. “I’m not little!”. Ok fine, I probably shouldn’t have stomped my foot at that moment but whatever. “Hollis, I could step on you…” says Danny. “Yeah well...you’re just ridiculously tall. Like really stupidly tall!” Hollis you are KILLING it with the comebacks kid...super cool and not at all lame. Except totally lame, shut up. “Ok so anyways” says Danny as she turns back to the desk. “Wait, did you say Laura Hollis?” S.J. asks excitedly. “Like...Commander Karnstein’s Laura Hollis?” Commander Karnstien’s what now? Who what now? Oh fuck...the Dragon just made best friends with a fucking T-Rex and now they’re galavanting around trying to kill my insides…Is this a stroke? I’m having a stroke…

“Yup” says Danny rather enthusiastically. Like almost scary enthusiastically. “This is her”. “Oh my God no way!!” screams S.J. “Can someone please explain what is currently happening?” I say as cooly as anyone named Laura Hollis would say in this current situation. Meaning like not cool at all I might just fall out. “You’re the Commander’s mystery girl!! Well I guess not really a mystery since she knows who you are but you’re the “beauty from the train”! She wouldn’t shut up about you earlier, it was so cute! She kept saying she hoped you’d text. We were gonna grab drinks later tonight and talk more but then...well then she got hurt”. All three of us look down at that moment. “Yeah ok so S.J., think you can sneak us in to see her?” Danny asks hopefully. “I knew you wanted something Lawrence” responds S.J. “Please S.J.? I need to see her. I need to see my best friend and Laura, well, Laura wants to see her too, you know?”. S.J. looks hard at Danny in that moment and so do I. Every now and then, well more “now” than “then”, to be honest, I get a vibe from Danny that maybe she doesn’t like me or something, even though I’ve tried to be as civil as possible and work it out with her when I can. I can’t quite put my finger on it…

“Rounds start in 30 Minutes. Be out before that”. And with that, she turns her back on us, but not before placing a post-it note that down says “Karnstein. Room 307”. Danny pulls me in the direction of the room. I’m having second thoughts again. This really is extremely insane. What if I read this entire situation wrong? What if I’m just actually insane? No. No, if that were true, if Carmilla didn’t feel anything, she wouldn’t have said what she did to S.J. and apparently a few others. Danny grabs my arm and pushes me through the door while I’m still thinking all of this out, but then I stop.. There she is. Oh my God there she is. She’s right there. Laying in a hospital bed, surrounded by machines and wires. “Carmilla” I breathe out softly. 

Danny walks up to her, bringing a chair with her and sits down on her right side. It’s like I’m not even in the room. “Hey C”, says Danny, barely above a whisper. “You scared me, girl”. I watch this moment and I can’t help but feel guilty, like I’m interrupting something. “If you had died, I would have killed you” Danny continues, placing her hand on Carmilla's thigh, above the blankets. “You really really scared me. I thought I had lost you”. I watch as Danny leans down and kisses Carmilla forehead. 

They’re friends you stupid jealous idiot. Best friends. She’s not yours, stop being a spaz. ‘Oh and hey” Danny says a little louder, “I brought Hollis with me”. Danny motions for me to come over I don’t remember actually moving my feet, but all of a sudden I stand on Danny’s right. I’m so close to her. How can someone look so broken, but so perfect that the same time? ‘I’m gonna leave you alone for a few minutes. You’ll be fine Laura”, says Danny when she notices my hesitation. “I’ll be right outside”. The door closes and now it’s just me and her. 

I don’t know what to do so I immediately start smoothing out the creases in the blanket that’s wrapped around her. I start to notice dark spots form on the material. Jesus Hollis, do you ever stop crying? I reach beside me for the chair that was vacated by Danny and pull it close to the bed. I don’t know what to do with my hands so I just sit them in my lap. Then I look at her. “Hi Carmilla” I start. “I’m not really sure what to say here. This is not how I wanted our next time to go. I mean our first time. Fuck, I mean the next time we were in the same place. I didn’t want it to go like this. Well obviously not since you were...shot…”. My God woman, what is wrong with you? I take a steadying breath and reach my hand out to hold onto hers. Even in the midst of the wires and the meds and the cold room, her hands are warm. It fits perfectly into mine. I feel it again. I feel that surge of energy, the one from the train when she touched my arm, this time it doesn’t freak me out. It grounds me. Ok, let’s try this again.  
“I couldn’t stop thinking about you after the train” I say quietly. “I wanted to text you as soon as you left but I couldn’t. I mean, I didn’t know what to say, you know? You threw me for a loop. Watching you on the news, you looked so amazing and sure of yourself. You’re intimidating as hell. You definitely should have punched that reporter though…”I say, laughing slightly. I take a moment to look at her again. Willing her to open her eyes. Man, she takes my breath away.

“It’s been less than a day and already...already you are so important to me”. I can’t stop now, might as well go for broke. “Watching you as you fell, I felt like I couldn’t breathe”. I don’t care about the tears now. “I don’t know what happens now but I need you to wake up and get strong and healthy. I need you to wake up so I can ask you what your favorite song is. What your favorite color is, if you like cookies or brownies better, how you take your coffee…”, breathe Laura, breathe. “I need you to wake up Carmilla, so I can look into your beautiful eyes and see if you feel this too.” I notice that the same strand of hair from earlier, has fallen in her face again. I don’t hesitate in reaching over and repeating the action from the train. Softly tucking it behind her ear, but this time, I keep my fingers there. “I need you to wake up Carmilla. Wake up. Please just wake up because…” damn it Laura, just say it. “I need you”. 

I place my head down next to her on the side of the bed, my hand from her face has now moved to her arm. This is too much, this is crazy but I really don’t care. I’m squeezing her hand like it’s a lifeline. I’m concentrating so hard on trying to not completely breakdown that I almost miss it. I almost miss the feeling of a light pressure on my hand. I almost miss it, but I don’t. I feel it. I feel it when she softly and ever so gently, squeezes my hand back.


	6. Purple

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla wakes up.  
> Laura can't find words.  
> Danny slams doors and Will is adorable. 
> 
> Everyone is precious and I love them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo this is the last chapter that is fully completed as of now. I am hard at work on many different chapters of this story as I tend to move around a lot in my thinking, but I PROMISE I am not abandoning this. Hit a bit of writers block but I have ideas down in my notebook and I'm hoping the next chapter will be up soon. Thanks for sticking with it and me. Happy reading lovely humans!! See you in chapter 7.

Chapter 6: Purple

“Carmilla?” I say almost frantically. I know I didn’t imagine that. “Carmilla!” I say again. “If you can hear me, squeeze my hand”. I look down but see no movement. “Come on Carm, squeeze my hand, let me know you’re there”. I feel like all the air has left the room and I’m just staring intensely at her hand in mine, willing it to move. Please, please move. Move damn it! And then it does. She’s squeezing my hand. “Danny!” I scream without taking my eyes off of her hand, “Danny! Get in here!!”. “What?” yells Danny as she comes crashing through the door on high alert, “What’s wrong?”. “She squeezed my hand! Twice! I think she’s waking up!”. Please please please be waking up. “What?! Holy Shit! Ok i’ll go get a doctor!” and she leaves just as quickly as she entered. I’m still staring hard core at her hand like it might detach and wiggle away or something. I don’t know! I watch a lot of science fiction shows. Whatever, I’m staring at it and that’s when I hear it. “Hey creampuff”. Her voice is rather raspy and rough, obviously, but oh my God if it’s not the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. I look at her now, her eyes are open. Her focus doesn’t seem all the way clear but whatever. Her eyes. God they’re beautiful. She’s beautiful. “Carm” I choke out. “You’re awake. Thank God you’re awake” I all but whisper.  
“Well” she says, sounding a little more alert, ‘I have a pretty girl in my hospital room. Would’ve been rude to keep her waiting”. That fucking smirk. God Damn it! Her eyes are soft as they look into mine “Damn straight” I say, as I place my hand on her cheek. I can’t stop smiling. She still grips my hand. Before anything else can occur, the door bangs open and in walks a doctor, two nurses and Danny. I move away, our hands separating. I already miss the warmth. Her eyes stay with me. Mine with hers.  
The doctor moves to check the monitor while the nurses check her vitals. “Miss Karnstein” the doctors begins in a somewhat overly cheery tone, man if looks could kill, bye bye doctor! “What are you new here?” says Carmilla, “It’s Commander” she says rather hotly. Danny mutters under her breath. “What was that Lawrence?” asks Carmilla. “I said get your head out of your ass for once and act like a normal person, for fucks sake” Danny shot back both equally annoyed and entertained. “Oh my bad” says Carmilla, “It’s not like I almost died or anything…”. That has my attention. “Carmilla” I say softly and she looks at me. She must notice the pain on my face as she immediately looks guilty and says “Sorry, cutie” and turns to the doctor, “Sorry doc”. Danny looks at me then. I see her out of the corner of my eye. I can’t quite place the look she’s wearing, but frankly, I don't care. The only thing I do care about, is laying in a hospital bed four feet in front of me.  
“So...Commander, how are we feeling?” he says almost unnaturally brightly. I’d laugh at the look on Carmilla's face if the question wasn’t something I was dying to hear the answer to. “Well…” she starts with snark. Awesome. This is going to be a wonderful exchange. “WE are feeling fine. WE are feeling absolutely fucking wonderful. WE are feeling like we just got shot and had people digging around in OUR shoulder…” she says sarcastically. Good LORD this woman is infuriating sometimes, but man she’s cute. “Carmilla” I say again. This time when she looks at me, she winks. Stubborn, pain in the ass…  


“Unbelievable” says Danny and then she walks out of the room, the door banging closed behind her. “Uh….” I start. “Don’t worry about Lawrence, cupcake. She’s fine” says Carmilla with a second glance at the door. “Ok Commander” continues the doctor, “where would you say your pain level is at right now?”. “Oh my fuck Doc, where do you think it’s…” she stops talking as I walk over and lay my hand on her arm. We both suck in a breath at the contact and she looks at me. I see all I need to know, she feels it too. As much as I enjoy the contact and the sass, the real reason for the contact was I need her to talk like a normal person and stop acting like a crazed, sarcastic lunatic. Seriously, she’s like a giant, beautiful, sexy, gorgeous...wait what was I saying? Oh right...she’s ridiculous and I need her to stop doing that!  
“Carmilla, they’re just trying to help, you know?” I say somewhat softly, “I know you don’t want to be here, but maybe just answer their questions?”. She looks down at my hand and then back up at me. She looks like she wants to say something but instead turns to the doctor and says “what was the question again?”. “I asked about your pain level. “I guess it’s at around a 4?”. Something in the way she says that causes me to tilt my head. “Only a 4? Are you sure? She bites her lip. Oh Jesus that’s a thing I didn’t know I needed to see until right now and good Lord and Dumbledore, that’s attractive…”Fucking hell” she mutters, which pulls me out of my trance, “Alright, it’s at about a 9 I guess”. I look at the ground and smile. She’s trying to impress me. My big bad SWAT officer.  


“Ok well that’s to be expected. I’ll have the nurses push some more pain meds which will pretty much knock you out for the night so you can rest. You’re going to be sore for a while. We really had to dig around in there but I have a feeling you’ll heal up pretty quickly. The best thing you can do right now is take it easy and rest. I’ll allow a few more minutes with your partner, but then she needs to go. I’ll send the nurses in with your medication shortly. Rest easy, Commander. You’ve been through alot. And thank you for your service.” As the doctor goes to leave, the conversation I just heard fully kicks in. Partner? Who’s her...oh fucking jumping jacks, he meant me! I’m not her, I mean she’s not my…”Doctor, I’m not her...I mean we’re not…”. “Five minutes” he says, and then he leaves.

Ok cool. So now it’s just me and Carmilla. Me and the Commander. The Commander and me. Carmilla and...this is fine. I’m totally cool. TOTES COOL. Yup. This is fine. “Ahh fuck!” I hear from behind me. I turn to see Carmilla leaning back in the bed, breathing heavily and gritting her teeth. She looks a little pale and wait...are those tears? “Carm? What’s wrong? Oh my Gosh, are you ok? What happened?”. She still has her eyes closed. “I was thirsty” she grimaces, “I reached towards the water and I went too far I guess. Shoulder bitched at me. That hurt” she says breathing slowly. “You were shot”, that is never not going to give me a small heart attack. “You were shot and had major surgery. You can’t move around like everything’s fine” I say gently. “I know” she says hotly. My movements stop at that. It shouldn’t bother me. She’s in pain. “I know” she says again but much more gently and I feel her hand on my arm. I look up at her. She’s looking at me in a way I can’t describe. “I’m sorry. I’m not...I’m not good at this. I’m not good at being helpless”. Something inside of me breaks at that.  
“Hey. No. You are not helpless Carm. You’re just hurt. You have to let others help you now” I respond. “I don’t know how,” she whispers. “I’ll help you with that” I say immediately, without even thinking, because it’s true. I will. She looks at me then, her dark hair frames her face and her eyes burn into mine. The energy in the room shifts. We both feel it. This is so insane. “Um” she kinda coughs out “ Could you pass me the water please?”. “Oh, sure” and I hand her the cup. She takes a deep drink and leans her head back on the bed. It’s quiet now.  
I hear her let out a small laugh and I look at her. She’s staring at the ceiling, slightly shaking her head. “What’s so funny?” I ask. She looks over at me with a new light in her eyes. It takes my breath away.. “We’re quite a pair” she says. “I suppose we are '' I answer back amused. 

She takes a small breath and turns to face me. “This morning” she starts, “This morning, or I guess, yesterday morning, I had no idea who you were and now you’re…” she hesitates, rubbing her thumb back and forth over the back of my hand. “And now, I’m ...what?” I ask somewhat nervously. She stares at me and based on the look I’m getting, I think I know what she’s going to say. Which makes me a different kind of nervous. An insanely excited kind of nervous. Before she can answer, the door opens and the doctor enters. Why does this keep happening!? Can’t anyone finish a sentence around here!? “ Ok Commander, before the nurses administer your meds, your Chief wanted to talk to you. You up for that?”. “Sure thing” she says. The door opens again and in walks Chief Holliday. “If you wanted some time off, you could’ve put in a request kid. No need for the dramatics' ' says the man in a booming voice. Carmilla laughs at that. “What can I say boss man? I’ve always been one for the theatrics' '. I watch as the Chief comes over. I step to the side.  


“You doin ok, kid? He asks her. “Yeah Chief. Little sore but I’ll live”. She turned to me and gives me a small smile. “I didn’t mean to interrupt” he says looking between the two of us. “Oh sorry, Chief. This is Laura Hollis. Laura, this is Chief Holliday. Or as he likes me to address him..My very awesome and best boss ever” she says with as much flare as she can muster. The man chuckles “The Laura Hollis? From the train? “ he says looking at Carmilla. “Yes sir. That Laura Hollis” she says, turning slightly pink. Seriously though, how many people has she talked to about me? He gives her a knowing look and reaches a hand out to grasp mine. “It’s very nice to meet you Miss Hollis”. “You as well, Sir” I say somewhat tentatively. “I’m not going to take up too much of your time Karnstein, but I do need to go over a couple things with you, if you’re up for it? Laura, would it be ok if you stepped outside for a moment? Police business, I do apologize”. I look at Carmilla, who gives me a brief nod and a warm smile. “Sure, not a problem. I”ll be outside if you need...well, I’ll be outside”.  


As soon as my back hits the wall when the door closes, I sink down to my knees. The exhaustion and stress from the day seem to be hitting me hard. I’m honestly surprised it took this long. Just focus on the fact that she's alive. Everything else can come later. Everything else can...Jesus, Mary and Buffy, what have I gotten myself into!?  
“Laura Hollis?”, hearing my name from out of nowhere causes me to sit up quickly. I look up at the person who just spoke. It’s Carmillas brother. Have I mentioned lately just how FINE I AM!? BECAUSE I AM FINE WITH THIS! “Uh, hi. Yes. Laura. That is me. Laura Hollis. I’m her!”. Seriously, someone should check me for problems. I am her? Really? “Sorry” I try to reply in a normal, not crazy person voice, “It’s been a day. You’re Will right? Carmilla’s brother?”. “Yeah”, he says, hands in his pockets. Ok cool, so no talking. Just standing there. “Why are you out here? And sitting on the floor? Is Carmilla ok?” he says. I’m sitting on the floor. Still. In front of Carmilla’s brothers. Cool. Totes cool. Alright, let's just go on ahead and get up. There we go!. “Uh, yeah, Carmilla’s boss just wanted a few moments with her, so I stepped out”. “Ah ok” he says and scuffs the toe of his shoe on the floor.  


Ok, lets try this again. Words. And go! “You work for the department?” “Yeah” he says, “For the tech department. Radios, Scanners, things like that”. “That sounds fun” I say. Gotta love awkward conversations! Which is normally like, right in my wheelhouse because I am the queen of awkward, but just once, well at least now with Carmilla’s brother, I wish I wasn’t. “What do you do?” Will asks me. “Oh! I’m a journalist!” I say excitedly, at least this is something to talk about. Wills shoulders tense. Ok, I guess not...He’s glaring at me. Like full on ‘Hermione glaring at Ron and Harry every time they do something stupid’ glare. “Is that why you’re here? To write about this? My sister did nothing wrong! She was shot protecting people! You can’t spin this to sell papers!” Will yells, stepping towards me and in front of Carmilla’s door, his voice cold and low. “What? No!” I say, almost in a panic. “No Will. No. Look, yes, I am a journalist, but I would NEVER write anything about Carmilla, her unit or anything related to tonight. If I ever did, it would be nothing but praise for the job she did and everyone else. She is a hero. She’s my hero. I care about her. I care about her alot. I’m here because of her. I know”, Will had started to open his mouth but I need to say this, “before you say it, I know. I know I just met her, but Will she’s…God, I would never hurt her ok? Ever” I finish almost out of breath. Will studies me for a while longer. He seems to take forever deciding something but he finally relaxes, though he doesn’t move from his position in front of the door leading to her room. “Ok” he says finally. “Ok, I’m sorry. I’m just...Carmilla is all I have and we’ve been burned before. She’s been burned before and I just want to keep her safe”. “I absolutely respect that and would want nothing less” I say genuinely. “Ok then” he says with a slight nod. Oh goodie. Back to silence. Awesome.  
We stand there a little while longer. I’m texting Laf back when the door opens and the Chief walks out. “Hey Will. Miss Hollis” he says respectfully. “You guys can head back in”. Will nods his thanks and immediately heads into the room. Do I go in? This is family time. Her brother would want a moment alone with her right? “You comin?”, Wills voices cuts off my inner monologue and I look up to see him standing there, holding the door open for me. “Huh?” Oh smooth, Hollis. “Are you coming in?” and he steps aside. “Oh yeah. Yes. Sorry” and we walk in together.  


“Hey cupcake” says Carmilla warmly. “Hi” I say softly, with a grin. “Hi Will. Good to see you Will. How’ve you been Will?” says her brother, sarcastically from behind me”. Oh right. There’s another person here.  
“Can it, you ass” says Carmilla. “How am I an ass? You’re an ass! You’re the one who got shot and basically died...like twice” he says. “What can I say? I wanted the time off”. “Like you even know what that means” retorts Will, “I mean, I know what it is in theory…”. “See?” says Will, looking at me now, “she’s an ass!”. He turns back to Carmilla who has a smile on her face and seems to study her for a minute a two. “Thanks for not dying on me, C. I kinda like having a big sister”. It was meant to be funny, to ease the tension, but I could tell he was scared when he said it. He really loves her. Carmilla looks at him softly and beckons him over. She puts her pinky out and he does the same. They wrap them around each other and I hear her say to him “from beginning to end”. “And everything in between” he answers and they put their foreheads together. Breathing softly. “You're a pretty good baby brother yourself”. I watch this moment between the two and feel myself melt a little. They really are incredibly sweet. “Even though you’re a little bitch!” says Carmilla. Well alright, moment over. Will laughs and pulls back.  
“Chief talk to you how he’s taking Alpha for a bit?”. “Yeah” says Carmila. “That’s gonna be so fun to watch. The guys are gonna hate that ``''Yes” chuckles Will. “They really really will, but you’ll be back, though”. “You bet your ass I will be” says Carmilla. “Alright loser, I’m gonna head out and grab some stuff from your apartment for you. I’ll send the doctors back in on my way out”. He stands up to leave and turns to me, “It was nice to meet you, Laura. Carm, I’ll be back in the morning. Get some rest, and behave! ” and with that, he’s gone. “He seems fun” I say. “He’s a brat” responds Carmilla in a humorous tone, “but he’s a good kid”.  


We look at each other for a minute then. No words are exchanged for a minute before I decide to break the silence. “So…” I begin. That’s good. That’s a word. “So, we should probably talk. At some point”. Ok not bad, Laura. Those are also words. “We are talking, cupcake” she says with a smirk. God she’s annoying, but she’s also like really pretty, so...right! Actual words. “You know what I mean” I say. “I uh, I heard you said my name. In the ambulance”. Oh shit fuck, why Laura…  
“Yeah” she says softly, looking down. “I guess...I guess I haven't been able to get you off my mind since the train. Even in my kinda unconscious, drugged up, blood loss state. I can’t get you off my mind” she says sheepishly. “Tell me about it” I say. I have somehow gravitated unknowingly over to her bedside. “I know things are crazy right now” I continue “and you have rehab and will be here a while and uh I mean, maybe we could, I don’t know, text?” Good Lord woman, be better with the words! “I’m sorry” I laugh out, “I suck at this” and I look down at the ground, somewhat mortified. “I think you’re better than you think you are but yes, texting works” she says smiling. Oh would you look at that? The dragons fighting the butterflies are back in my stomach. What up, peeps? Been a minute…  


“Ok” I say. “Ok” says Carmilla. We’re just goofy looking at each other now. Door opens again. Jesus Christ! It’s like an episode of Wynonna Earp in here!! Let Wayhaught have a moment, damn! “Sorry, Commander” says the nurse, effectively breaking the little spell we had been in moments prior. “We need to get your meds in you and your visitor needs to go”. “Right” I say, and I stand up to leave. Carmilla’s hand on mine stops me.  
“Will you…” she starts, ‘I mean, will I see you tomorrow?” The way she asks that breaks my heart a little. Doesn’t she get it? Doesn’t she understand I couldn’t stay away even if I wanted to?. “Absolutely” I answer, “get some rest” and I don’t know what causes me to do it, but I lean over and kiss her forehead lightly. I hear her sigh. Without moving back much, I softly say, so only she can hear, “Thank you for not dying”. “Like I said earlier” she whispers, “anything for you”. I take in our closeness for one more moment, and then I pull back. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Carmilla”. “Tomorrow” she says. Just as I’m about to head out, I hear my name being called. I turn back to look at her. “Yeah, Carm?”. She winces slightly as the nurse pushes meds into her, but immediately looks back up and straight at me.  


“Anything by the Stones, purple, oatmeal chocolate chip and black” she says. What the hell? Is this a stroke? “Uh...what?” I say thoroughly confused. She smiles and tries again. “The answers. Favorite song is anything by the Rolling Stones. Favorite color is purple. I know black seems like the obvious choice, but purple. Cookies or brownies? Definitely cookies and always oatmeal chocolate chip. That way I can pretend I'm eating somewhat healthy and not feel too bad when I eat more than 6 at a time, and how I take my coffee? Black”. Oh my fucking God. I can’t breathe. “That’s why I had to wake up” she says more seriously this time, “So I could answer your questions”.  
I feel tears form behind my eyes and I look down. When I feel like the room has stopped spinning, I look back at her. I can tell the meds are starting to kick in as she swaying back and forth a little, fighting to keep her eyes open, but that doesn’t stop the amazingness of this moment. “Good to know” I say as best as I can muster. My voice cracks a little. Words are hard to form. I desperately want to run back over to her but she can’t seem to fight the sleep any longer. She’s out. I can’t stop smiling as I back out of the door, my eyes still on her. I take one last look at this beautiful, stubborn, surprising, strong, seemingly very romantic pain in the ass officer who has completely turned my world upside down in the matter of hours. With that last thought, I quietly shut the door behind me, and let that simple, yet wonderful moment, carry me down the hall, and back to Perry and Laf. The smile never leaving my face. “Damn Hollis”, I say to myself. “I am in so much trouble”.


	7. Rewind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> READ THE NOTES FIRST PLEASE!!!
> 
> Explains a warning for this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello!!! So so sorry it's taken a while for an update. As stated in a brief message before this chapter, I am an essential worker so I have been dealing with that but I have by no means given up this story, chapters are just taking longer to spill outta my brain :)
> 
> Some things to note for this chapter, this is mostly Laura. This chapter also talks about Perrys background and her relationship with Laf. This one was hard to write for many reasons ie tone, format..words be hard sometimes. 
> 
> WARNING: There is misgendering in this chapter. I felt it was important for Perry's background and ultimately how it links into Laura. I discussed this chapter with many of my amazing non-binary pals and in NO WAY mean this to be offensive. Like in the show and here, I felt it a necessary thing for Perry's story and her growth along with her relationship with Laf. If something hits a little too close to home, please feel free to message me about it. YOU, the person reading this, YOU ARE VALID, SEEN AND LOVED.
> 
> I wanted to take the crazy out for a second and have it be about the core friends having a chat. 
> 
> For those of you on the front lines during this Pandemic...THANK YOU!!  
> For those who are home, stay safe!!
> 
> Sending all my love. 
> 
> As always, happy reading <3

“Fucking hell, its been a day,” I hear Laf say as we all but fall through the door to our apartment. “Lafontaine! Language!” says Perry as she hangs up her coat and moves to the kitchen to start tea. “Perry, it’s like 4:30 in the morning...you’re making tea?” “You know I need the sleepy time tea to relax sweetie…,” “I know, I know,” says Laf, rather entertained. “I’m going to clear off the laundry on the bed and crash,” “Ok but…” starts Perry, “I know, I will hang up your shirts so they don’t get wrinkled. Don’t worry, love”, they say sweetly as they lean over to kiss Perry on the cheek and walk away. “Wait, Laf,” I say quickly. As they turn to me, I rush over and pull them into a super tight hug. Like borderline strangling and bury my face in their neck. “Thank you,” I whisper. They hug me back just as tightly and we end up swaying a little in the hallway. “No problem, Frosh.” I watch them walk into their room. God, I love that ridiculous human. That’s my best friend. Let me think that once more with feeling! THAT’S MY BEST FRIEND!!! My best friend is like, hello, the best. Super the best. Best best best. Top shelf bestie right there. “I’ll be in soon, sweetie” says Perry with a soft smile. “Ok, Love you lots and lots!” Laf says over their shoulder as they stumble in and close the door. “I love that sleepy weirdo,” says Perry as she lifts the kettle off the stove and starts to pour a glass. 

“Would you like a cup, Laura?” “That would be ahhhhhhmazing,” I answer back. She proceeds to pull my Tardis mug off the shelf and fill it and push it in front of me. We sit in silence for a few minutes. I think we’re both too lost in our own thoughts to have a conversation at the moment. My brain is filled with the last 18 hours of craziness. Of Carmilla. I miss her already. It’s like, now that I know what my life is like with her in it, I can’t go back. I can’t. She’s a part of me now. I sit there staring into my tea, completely unaware of anything around me. Seeing her collapse on TV, the rush to the hospital, the doctors saying she’ll be ok, the smile on her face, the way her hand felt in mine, the feeling of being so, so close to her…

“You ok, sweetie?” Perrys voice pulls me out of my Carmilla filled trance. “Oh yeah, I’m fine, just thinking.” “About a certain leather jacket, wearing Commander?” she says knowingly. I smile at that, cuz DUH. “Maybe…” Perry turns to fill her cup up once more and moves to sit next to me at the kitchen counter. Perry sits quietly. She picks at the chip in the top of the mug Laf gave her two years ago, with a far away look and a small smile. Almost as if she’s caught up in the whisper of a memory. 

“Hey Laura?” says Perry, quitely. “Yeah Per?” I say just as quietly, but it is me so you know, not that quietly. “What happens now?” she asks. “Wellllll I vote shower and sleep. Like sleep for the next century” I say with a sigh. “No, I mean…” Perry almost sounds nervous. “With Carmilla. What happens now, with Carmilla? Do you love her? Are you guys together? Are you friends?” Damn it Perry, not this again. Do I love her? Are you crazy!? I’ve known her for 18 hours! I’m not in love with her. I’m not. Nope. Nada. No in love. No, No….No...No bueno...No...Have I said no? Because I mean no…What was the question? Oh, right. “I don’t know, Perry. I don’t know. I feel like I’ve gone through every emotion a person can go through in the smallest amount of time and I just don’t know!” “Ok,” says Perry. “Ok, well, why don’t we start with what you do know?” That makes me smile a little because that’s exactly what Laf would say. Perry sees the hesitation and she brings her hands to my arms and pivots me to face her. She takes a deep breath and looks up. 

“Did I ever tell you the full story of when I first met Laf?” I look at her and tilt my head, with a smile. “The story of how you met in the computer lab and it was love at first sight and you’ve been ridiculously happy since? Yeah I think I’ve heard it a few times” I saw smiling. It’s a couple goals story. Perry smiles and looks down at her fingers then back up at me. “No,” she says. “No, I met Laf a full year before we said we met. We just stick with the computer lab story because it’s cute and much better than the original.” Aca-scuse me?! “What!? A YEAR!!?” oh, that was loud. “You sneaky squirrels! How did I not know this?!” Perry shrugged, “It was less than ideal. I was in denial, I was going through a lot and I wasn’t ready. I said some things I regret still to this day and I was scared, so I ran from it. I ran from them for a whole year.” She looks sad when she says this. “Hold up, hold up, hold up,” I squeak, suddenly much more awake, “Start from the beginning.”

_[7 years ago - Told from Perry’s POV]_

_Oh no no no no no, I’m going to be so late!! So so so late! Normally this coffee man is quick but what is the hold up? I duck around the students in front of me to look at the front of the line. “You know, I could totally fix this right?,” I hear an excited voice say. “Come on man, just close for an hour and I’ll bring my tools and I’ll have this machine working at twices it’s capacity!” Oh that poor barista, he looks so drained. “Susan,” he says to the blonde woman standing there. “It’s Lafontaine, Dave! You know this!” says a stern voice back. “Right,” says Dave sheepishly, “I’m sorry, truly. Laf, I have told you a million times to stop trying to fix things that aren’t broken. I don’t need a fancy coffee thing, this one is fine and you need to go to class! There’s a line and you’re holding it up!” Yeah there is! I need my coffee!! I’m late! I don’t do late! I stare down at my watch to confirm, yes I AM LATE! I look back up and catch the eye of woman. My stomach does a flip, she smiles and turns back. “Ok ok ok,” she says to the barista, “Black, two sugars and….” “and 2 pumps caramel, 1 pump chocolate, I know Susan. I mean Laf. Sorry. Still getting used to it. I’ll be better next time,” says Dave. I watch as she pays, turns back to me and smiles again and walks off. “Perry? Perry!” oh that’s me! “Hi Dave, sorry. Distracted.” “It’s no problem, Perry. You’re usual?” He’s so sweet. “Yes please!”. As I pull out my wallet, Dave places my drink in front of me and says “Not today, Per. They took care of it”. They? What? “They?” I say incredibly confused. “Yes, They. Them. Lafontaine. The person who just walked away from the front of the line.” Oh my goodness. “She bought my drink?” “No, not she. No. They. Laf is non-binary.” Dave must notice the confused look on my face and smiles warmly, “Non-Binary. I”ll let them explain. It’s not my story to tell”. “How is she…sorry, I mean how are they supposed to explain it to me?” I asked with a slightly high pitched voice. Dave smiles and places the coffee cup in front of me. “They left their number on the cup.”_

“Woooooooow,” I say with glee. “Way to go Laf! Super smooth!!” which is funny because Laf is like, super not. Perry smiles, “Later on I felt that way but at the time, I was scared out of my mind and super confused and I had no idea what to do!” I notice her cheeks are flushed and she’s messing with the chip on the cup again. “So what happened?!” I’m like a kid in a candy story are this point. “Did you call?! Did you accidentally run into each other?! Did you do sweet sweet science together!?” I meant to say that in a sultry, sexy kind of voice but it definitely came out as, you know, not that. Perry’s looking at me funny. “Uh no, actually,” she says. “I didn’t call. I threw the cup away.” “YOU THREW THE CUP AWAY?!” I squeaked. “She threw it away” says a tired voice behind me. “Sorry honey,” says Perry sweetly, “Did we wake up?” “Nah, I was still cleaning up some stuff and heard you telling Frosh the story so I figured I’d come out.” “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!” I say to them. “What can I say?” they say looking at Perry. “We wanted to give you the fluffy, lovey version.” Perry reaches out and grabs for Lafs hand who sleepily walks over and takes it, only to move behind her and wrap their arms around her, kissing her temple. Perry sighs. Man they cute. Like supa cute. They supaaaaa cute. “So…what happened next?” Perry starts to giggle at that and Laf drops their head a little. “Ok, it wasn’t necessarily stalking,” they said. “Oh sweetie,” laughs Perry. “Stalk…you stalked Perry!?” “No!! Well…No! All I did was track down Dave, ask for Perry’s name, hack the server, find her classes and planned to ‘accidentally on purpose’ run into her at the library!” they say. Oh for the love of…”Oh my God Lafontaine!” Perry is still giggling, “That is like the definition of stalking!” “Oh shut up!” starts Laf and Perry pats them on the arm. “Ok you two,” she says with a smile, “Here’s what happened next…”

_[Silas Library - Told from Perry's POV]_

_My goodness, I need more caffeine. I’m falling asleep here and I can NOT do that. Can NOT. Study study! Oh my gosh, someone needs to dust this table, it’s atrocious.  
“Hi!” I hear a voice and look up. Oh wow. My stomach flips again. It’s her. Shoot! Shoot! No!!! Them!! They. It’s them. The blonde human from the cart. The blonde human whose number I threw away. “Oh! Hello!” I’m not quite sure what to say or do. “Um, thank you. For the drink this morning. Dave mentioned you paid for it and I, uh, that was very nice, so thank you.” They smile. My chest feels funny now. “It’s no problem. I felt bad holding up the line and I’d never pass up the opportunity to buy a beautiful woman a drink,” they say smiling.  
My face is probably as red as my hair, “Oh well, thank you, that’s uh, very kind of you.” Que Wicked “What is this feeling,” because what is this feeling running through me right now? “Name’s Lafontaine. Or Laf, whichever you’d prefer,” they say as they hold out their hand to me. “Oh! My name is Perry. Well, Lola actually but everyone calls me Perry,” I reach out to shake their hand. Their hand is so soft. It’s nice. Wait, what? No. Stop. I place my hand back in my lap. “Can I sit?” says Laf, placing their backpack on the table. “Oh sure, if you’d like.” Why do I sound nervous? “Was the phone number too much?” I snap back to reality. “What?” I say. “The phone number. On the cup? I was feeling particularly suave at that moment so I figured I’d just go for it.” Wait what? Suave? Went for it? Is this flirting? “Um no, I mean yes it was very forward which is something I’m not used to but no. It’s fine. It was fine. I forgot it was there and threw the cup away and didn’t want to go back and get it because you know, germs and gross stuff and…” I feel their hand on mine, it stops me immediately. “Breathe red,” they say. “Sorry,” I say softly back. They keep looking at me and I feel the walls closing in. Silence. Panic. What is happening? “Can I ask you something?” I say. “Absolutely!” says Lafontaine excitedly. “Well, Dave said that you are non-binary? I was just wondering what that means? I called you “she” and they corrected me, so I’ve been referring to you as “they” in my head but I don’t quite know what it means? Would you mind explaining that?”, “So you think about me?” they say with a smile. “I just..I mean…” oh my goodness. “Relax, Per,” they say and I can’t help this feeling come over me at the nickname. “Ok so non-binary means I don’t identify as a woman or a man. I’m somewhere in between.” In between? “You’re a woman though? I heard him call you Susan?” I immediately know I’ve said something wrong. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I just, this is all new to me. I’ve never heard of it before and I’m just trying to understand.” Oh man oh man oh man, please forgive me. Laf settles a little bit after that. “I was born a woman, yes. That's the gender that was assigned to me at birth.” I’m listening very intently now. “As I got older, I realized that I didn’t feel like a woman. I didn’t feel femine. I didn’t feel...like a Susan. I dressed in baggy clothes, I had more guy friends than girl friends, I was a tom-boy in every sense. I felt more masculine but I also didn’t feel male. I didn’t feel like anything really, except a person. A person who was just...a person. A human. That’s how I identify now. I don’t go by she or her. I go by they or them. I feel more like me now then I ever did. My parents didn’t get it at first but they try. I’m not Susan. I’m Lafontaine.” “Wow,” I whisper. “A lot of people have a hard time with it still, but I’m happy. It fits me. Anyways, you should come to the next LGBTQ plus meeting! We have lots of non-binary humans there! Maybe we could go together? Grab some dinner beforehand? Like a...a date?” there’s hopefulness in their voice and my eyes shoot up to look at theirs. “A date!?” I squeak and stand up, putting distance. “I’m not...no. I’m not gay! I’m sorry, I’m not. You’re a woman! I’m not gay! I’m not!!”, my body is on fire and Laf is up and staring at me “I am not a woman!” they say cooly. I stop at that. “No, I mean, I know that, I’m sorry, I’m just...I’m not gay! I’m straight. I like men, I’m sorry, but no…” “Hey”, says Laf, “It’s...my fault. I shouldn’t have assumed…” they look hurt but I can’t handle this right now. “I’m not gay! Leave me alone!” I shout as I grab my things and run._

“Damn Perry,” I say quietly, “That was pretty harsh.” Perry turns to look at Laf, whose face is tight, and then back to me. “I know,” she breathes out. “I know I was just terrified. I was terrified so I ran. I felt horrible, but you have to understand. I come from a very Christian home. ‘You will find a nice man to cook and clean for and have 4 kids’ kind of home. You’ve met my parents…” Mr. and Mrs. Stick up their asses? Yes, yes I have. Laf is still quiet. “I didn’t know I was gay. I didn’t know I had just met the love of my life. I was scared, I wasn’t ready and Laf came in all confident and….” “Bull in a china shop,” interjects Laf with a smile that doesn’t quite reach their eyes. “Yes sweetie,” says Perry with a small chuckle, Laf kisses her on the side of her head. “So when did you become un-scared?” I say. Perry smiles at my choice of words. “It took a while. I felt beyond horrible at my outburst, for the things I said, how I said them. I ended up going to one of the meetings 6 months later. I tracked down Laf and apologized profusely and after many, many long conversations and apologies…” “And baked goods!” interjects Laf, “Yes, and baked goods, I started coming more often and hanging out. I was getting more comfortable with who I was and what I wanted and then one day, I just…” she pauses, oh for the love of everything, “You…?” out with it Per!! “She asked me out,” says Laf, puffing out their chest a bit. I smile at that but then open my mouth in shock. “Wait a minute!! That night!!!” I say looking at Laf who is smiling. “That night you came home a wreck from class, yelling about needing your fancy bowtie instead of your ‘everyday bowtie’ because you were having dinner but I couldn’t come…?” I say pointing a finger, Laf barks out a laugh, “Yeah,” they say smiling. “That was date night. The first date night.” “Your fancy vs everyday bowtie” says Perry giggling. “You’re such a goof”. “Yes, but I’m your goof” says Laf. “Yes, you are” says Perry softly and traces her finger down her face, something I did earlier with Carmilla. God, I miss her. Like I really miss her.

“So the date went well or….?” I start to lead. “Yes, it went well” pulling Perrys attention back to the story. “Laf walked me back to my dorm, asked if they could give me a goodnight kiss, and instead of answering with words, I grabbed their cute little face, kissed them and here we are”. “Here we are” Laf says, placing a soft kiss on Perrys lips. They’re so precious. Like gross precious but not gross at all but like super super precious. “The moral of this story is this” says Perry, looking at me, “Laf blew into my life and they scared me shitless”. I gasp at that and so does Laf “Oh my God she cursed again! She said shitless!!! Best day everrrrrr!!!” I laugh out. “Oh hush” giggles Perry “Yes, I was scared. I was terrified beyond anything and I spent a lot of time running from it because it didn’t make sense. There was nothing logical about us. It was a chance meeting. A chance meeting that changed my life even though I didn’t know it at the time. A chance meeting just like…”, “Just like me and Carmilla” I say understanding. “Yes” says Perry. “I know it’s new, I know it’s scary and I know you’ve probably been over thinking everything, but stop” shes says looking at me seriously now.

“You remember what I always say when things don’t make sense, Frosh?” says Laf, taking over. “List three facts” I say with a smile, “List three things you know”. They both smile. “Well I got that from Perry” says Laf. “That’s what I did when I was trying to figure out about asking out Laf”. “You did?!” says Laf, somewhat shocked. “I did” smiles Perry. “Ok well now I need to know. What were the things?!” I say. Perry smiles and looks at me but keeps a tight grip on Laf. “One was the first time I met them, I felt that whoosh sensation in my stomach. Two, even when I was being unkind, even though I didn’t mean to, they didn’t lose patience with me”, a small smile makes its way onto Lafs face as Perry's voice drops down to a whisper, “and three, they made me laugh. Full on laugh and it felt so good. It felt freeing. I felt happy”. She turns to look at them now. “I love you so much, Lafontaine. I’ll never ever be able to apologize enough for the beginning, but I am so in love with you”. She says that last part in almost a whisper. Laf looks at her with the biggest heart eyes I’ve ever seen in my life and says “I love you too, my angel”. It’s like a freakin Hallmark movie in here but I don’t care. I want this with someone. I want this with her. Carmilla. They share a kiss and look back at me. “So Frosh, three things. State three things you know about Carmilla”. I’m quiet for a minute. Shut up, it happens! I sort through the crazy in my head. I close my eyes and I can see her. Her beautiful face. Her smile. Her God forsaken smirk. I open my eyes and look at Perry who is looking at me with an encouraging smile. Alright Hollis…

“One, on the train, everything faded but her. Two, when she touched me, I felt electricity. I felt fire”. I can feel it now just by thinking about it to be completely honest which is like...fucking crazy. “And three…”, I pause for a minute. “Say it” says Laf. “Say it, Hollis, it’s ok”. Deep breath, “And three, meeting her...it felt like home. Meeting her felt like I was coming home”. Laf and Perry smile. “She feels like home” I say again because I can’t quite believe the words coming out of my mouth right now. This is fucking crazy.  
“Don’t run from this Laura” says Laf. They never call me Laura. Like ever. “Do not run. Don’t freak out. Don’t question it all. It’s been a long, crazy day and I know you’re going to over-analyze everything but don’t do it”. “I wasn’t!” I start but I totally was.

“You totally were” says Laf. Ugh fine, they know me well.”You don’t have to figure it all out now sweetie” says Perry. “Hold onto your facts. Repeat what you know and get out of your own way”. I laugh at this. “Don’t run from this Frosh. This could be big”. “It is big” I breathe out. “She’s...this feeling, this is big” I say again, but I feel slightly less nervous. “It’s obvious that Carmilla feels it too. Guard your heart, but don’t lock it away. Don’t hide”. Says Laf. “What do I always say, Frosh?” “That you don’t understand why you can’t have a small amount of uranium at work?” I say jokingly but like, not that jokingly because they do actually wonder that. “Frosh…”, warns Laf. “That if given enough time, you could totally make your own Pokemon?” interjects Perry. “I could! I could so do that!...that’s not the point!” They say. “You say, ‘One day at a time’” I say while looking at them. “That’s right. One day at a time. Talk to Carmilla. Nothing serious, you don’t have to be “those” lesbians. You know, the ones with a uhaul truck on standby…”. “Laf!” yells Perry, smacking them in the arm. “Just talk to her. Feel it out, get to know each other. Yes, you’re starting on a rather intense note, but you clicked. She likes you Laura. You came to her mind when she was unconscious in an ambulance...you don’t have to move like glacier slow but just take it…”, “One day at a time” I finish from them. “There you go, Frosh” says Laf, as Perry yawns. “Ok, ok”, I say standing up.

“Bed time. Go go go!”, “Oh no but the cups and the counter” says Perry with another yawn. “I got it, you crazy ginger” as I pull them both into a hug. “I love you guys” I say sincerely, because I really do. I really really love these ridiculous knuckleheads. “We love you too, Frosh” says Laf. They start to pull Perry in the direction of their room as I pick up the mugs and place them in the sink. I grab my phone and pull up the text thread from earlier, Carms text emblazoned on the screen. “Anything for you, Cupcake”. I blow out a breath I didn’t know I was holding and her face, once again, pops up at the front of my mind. Well, it never really left but whatever. I finish wiping the counter and head to my room, kick off my shoes and collapse in my bed. “One day at a time” I whisper as I feel my body slip into sleep, dreaming about a dark haired officer. My leather jacket wearing, forever brooding, beautiful Commander. My Carmilla.


	8. Hogawarts or Bust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And we return to our regularly scheduled program, kids. 
> 
> Nervous Carmilla, Ridiculous Laura...enjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the great feedback on that last chapter. I was super nervous about it but again, felt it relevant to the story. I'm glad you all enjoyed it so much :)
> 
> Updates will be sporadic. I'm still writing, just takes a while to upload due to work at this time.
> 
> I apologize for the normal missing of grammar or edits. I tried to make this flow as simply as I could. 
> 
> Stay safe Creampuffs and as always, happy reading :)
> 
> Annnddd ppl keep asking so why not...come yell at me on Twitter @Lprimosch ;)

*Ding Ding!!* 

Wha? No sshhhhh. Sleepy time.

*Ding Ding!*

“Laf! Turn off your damn alarm!!”

*Ding Ding!!!*

Oh my God staaahhhhhhhppppp! I is sleeeeeepy! “Laf!”

“What!?” I hear a loud voice as my door is pushed open. “Why you yellin?” “Turn off your alarm, brainiac! It’s so early!” Why is this so hard for everyone to understand? “Frosh,” they say with a chuckle. “It’s 11:30 am on Saturday. And it’s not my alarm, it’s your phone, dweeb”, they laugh as they walk out. I smell pancakes. Oooooh!! Saturday pancakes!!! Oh my phone. Stupid damn thing. Oh….ok, so heart attack….

Two new texts: Carmilla.

This is fine. I will just calmly and collectively and not at all panicky, open those.

5:30am from Carmilla: Hey Cupcake. I hope this doesn’t wake you, I just woke up cuz I couldn’t sleep. It hasn’t even been that long since you left. Just wanted to say hi and that it was really nice seeing you. And thank you. For being there. 

BREATHE LAURA. FREAKIN BREATHE. Ok now for the second one. Again...calmly and collectively…

10:15am from Carmilla: Hey Hollis :) Double texting! *GAY GASP!!* Just...I don’t know. Saying hi. Again. I was just wondering if maybe I would be seeing you today? It’s ok if you’re busy. I guess I just...miss you. Hope to hear from you soon.

SHE MISSES ME!?! DID SHE JUST!?!! DOES THAT SAY SHE MISSES ME!?!

“Frosh! Pancakes!!”. “Laf!! Laf get in here right now!! I’m having a crisis of like the heart and brain or really every part of my body. GET IN HERE!!” I am doing so much yelling this morning!!! I should stop. I should stop yelling. BUT I CAN NOT!!! 

“What? What are you talking about?” Laf says as they re-enter my room”.  
“This! This is what I’m talking about!!”, I say in a tone that I’m like 99.9% sure only dogs can hear as I thrust my phone in their face.  
They read and a smile appears “Ayo, Frosh!! Getchya some!!”, “Laf, I swear to God…”. I will LITERALLY strangle them.  
“Frosh, just text back you useless lesbian”. Oh, oh right. Just text back, cuz it’s THAT EASY?!! Hey, knock knock!! IT’S NOT!! They must see the look on my face, cuz they smile. Again.  
“Seriously...just text back! And hurry up, Perry made the pancakes with cinnamonnnnnnn and I will not be held responsible for eating yours” they say as they run back out.

Ok. Cool cool cool. Just text back. This is fine. Let me just open this up and simply text back. Simply. Ha ha ha, crying…

Carmilla - Text thread.  
To Carmilla: Heyyyyyy Carm!!  
Oh Jesus no. That’s dumb. Delete that.  
To Carmilla: What up, girl!  
Oh my God superrrrr delete.  
To Carmilla: Howdy Officer!  
I SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED A PHONE! DELETEEEEEE. Ok. Breathe. Deep breath, let it out. Start again. And sound like a normal human this time. Or normal-ish.

To Carmilla: Hey Carm :) I just woke up and saw these.  
Be bold Hollstein. I miss you too. I will definitely come by later today if you’d still like me too.  
Annnnd Send. ANNND DYING.  
Oh God, the bubble thing. It’s the bubble thing! She’s responding! She’s texting back!! Relax! You relax now! Me, relax! I am relaxed!

Carmilla: Just woke up, huh? Did you have a late night or something? ;)  
Oh ok, so we’re doing this, this morning are we? Ok Karnstein. I see you. I can flirt back. I think? Yes, totally can. Totes! I hate myself.  
Laura: Yeah, this pretty cop I know ended up in the hospital so I was there till like 3am? Or 4am? I’m not really sure.  
Carmilla: Pretty cop? Should I be jealous?  
Laura: Oh absolutely.  
Look at me!! I’m flirting!! I’m being smooooooooth. I like me again. High five me!  
Carmilla: Tell me about her?  


Oh good Lord. Ok, I got this! No problem! Be like Hermione!  
Laura: Well, I met her on the train yesterday. She was such a badass. Kinda took my breath away actually. Anyways, she was being amazing at that movie theater situation, saving all these people, but she got shot. Scared the hell out of me because….”  
Send. Leave her wanting more. And I need a breather before I chicken out. There’s the bubble.  
Carmilla: Because…?”  
Oh yeah, Hollis! BOOYAH! Got her. Ok be honest.  
Laura: Because she surprises me. She excites me. She makes me laugh...because I kinda like her and I want to see what this is, but it’s got me a little scared”.  
Oh my God, what did I just do!? This is totally ok. Jesus, that bubble is my new nightmare. Oh hell….  
Carmilla: She’s scared too, Laura. Really scared.  
Oh damn, I was not expecting that…  


“Frosh!! I swear, I will eat all pancakes ever made on this day, if you don’t hurry up!!”.  
“Shut up, for a second!!! I’ll be there in a minute!!”. No I won’t.  
Laura: I thought you weren’t scared of anything, Commander”.  
Sure, jokes. Let's do jokes now. Why is it so hot in here?!  


Carmilla: How honest can I be right now without sending you in the opposite direction?  
Oh. Oh shit. This must be what cliff jumpers feel like before they like, you know, jump off a cliff. Laf’s voice pops into my head as does Perrys, “Don’t run”. Ok, big girl pants on. Girl the hell up, Hollis.  
Laura: I’m not going anywhere”.  
Two minutes. Bubble. Three minutes. Bubble. Four minutes. Bubble.  
“LAURA HOLLIS!”,  
“Laf!! Seriously! Please, just...give me a minute!”. I don’t mean to yell at them, I really don’t but I need all my brain cells focused on one Toronto SWAT Commander. Why the hell is the Captain Marvel theme in my head all of a sudden? Oh that’s my ringtone. That’s a good ringtone. MY RINGTONE! MY PHONE IS RINGING!! CARMILLA IS CALLING ME! “LAF!! CARMILLA IS CALLING ME!!! HELP!!”.  
“Answer the damn phone, Hollis!”.  
“Laf! Language!!”  
“Sorry, Per”.  
“Ok, just give me a few minutes. And maybe pour me like a giant glass of something with alcohol!” I yell back.  
Ok, ok, ok. Annnnnnd, hit the button.  


“Hello?”, well that could have gone worse, good job Hollis!  
“Hey cupcake”. Good Lord she sounds sexy.  
“Hey Carm”. Again, could have gone worse.  
“Hi”, that causes me to laugh a little  
“You said that already”, she laughs and I decide that that’s officially my favorite sound in existence.  
“Yeah, I guess I did”. Silence., but it’s ok cuz it’s with her.  
“How are you?”. I know we’ll get to the main stuff but I really do want to know. She was shot.  
“I’m ok. Little sore. These meds are fun though. Starting rehab stuff tomorrow. Should be super great…”. I smile at that.  
“Anyone ever tell you you’re really good with sarcasm?”  
“I’ve heard it once or twice”, she’s clearly smiling which makes me smile. Silence again.  
“Carm?”  
“Did you mean it?” she sounds nervous. “What you said about you weren’t going anywhere?” Oh Carm…  
“Yes” I say, with as much strength as I can muster. I’ve never meant anything more. I hear her let out a breath she must have been holding and God I wish I could hug her.  
“Ok” she says. Silence again. “Laura?” she continues.  
“Yeah, Carm?” I all but whisper back. She takes what sounds like a steadying breath.  
“I got shot”. That makes me grip the phone.  
“I almost died”. That makes me almost break the phone.  
“I almost died and that should scare me”. I remain silent, which is really fucking hard, but I know she’s not done. I don’t even think I’m breathing right now. “I almost died and while that should scare me, it doesn’t. What scares me”, she pauses and yeah no, I”m definitely not breathing. “What scares me. Or rather, what terrifies me, is you. It’s been like 24 hours or something like that and I, well to be honest, not having you in my life for the next 24 or the 24 after that...scares me”. Oh my Hufflepuff…”I’m someone who always has a plan. Who can think 10 steps ahead. Who knows what to do next and I don’t now. I want to know why I can’t stop thinking about you. Why...Why I miss you so much”. Oh Jesus God, Carmilla Karnstein. “I’m not trying to scare you. I’ve probably said too much, I can go…” ok now I’m breathing.  
“Don’t you dare, Carmilla”. Damn, that was kind of aggressive. Also, I don’t care cuz I swear to God, if she hangs up now…”Don’t you dare hang up this phone”. I wonder if she’s as on edge as I am now.  
“Ok” she says softly. I guess it’s my turn.  


“Carm, I feel it too”, she says nothing so I keep going. “I felt it the moment I saw you”. Be brave, Hollis. “I don’t know what this is but I do want to explore it. I”m scared too. Like Harry and the Hungarian Horntail scared”, because of course I have to be THAT person.  
“Harry and the what?”, ok woah. HARD STOP.  
“Harry Potter? And the Goblet of Fire?” I say cuz duh  
“What’s Harry Potter?” OH NO SHE DID NOT.  
“CARMILLA KARNSTEIN!! You’ve never seen or read Harry Potter!?”” I am yelling!  


“She’s never what!?” I hear Laf from the kitchen.  
“Sweetie...sweetie the syrup. Watch the syrup” says Perry.  


“Is that the one with the ‘I volunteer as tribute’ thing?” she says. I die.  
“That’s the Hunger Games!” I squeak out.  
“What’s the one with the blue elevator? Or wait no, it’s like a phone booth? It like spins and goes back in time or something?”  
“Oh my God I can’t...that’s Doctor Who!!”  
“And Harry Potter is…”, I seriously think I’m having a heart attack right now.  
“Carm!! HARRY POTTER! He’s a wizard! He goes to Hogwarts! He has two best friends, Ron and Hermione! How have you not heard of this!!?” I am legit jumping on my bed. Is she...she’s laughing!?! “Carm! This is serious!”  
“I’m a Ravenclaw”. What in...what?  
“What is happening…” I am so confused.  
“I’m a Ravenclow. I know I look like a Slytherin and everyone assumes I’m a Gryffindor cuz you know...but like honestly, I’m glad I’m not. Those ‘Gryffindor is the best and only house’ people piss me off. Like just because Harry is in it does NOT make it the best house. Look at Luna!! She’s awesome and she’s not in Gryffindor. And Cedric was a fucking hero and he was in Hufflepuff! Plus blue is so much more my color. You know...cop”. I swear to God…  
“You were messing with me?! ABOUT HARRY POTTER!!!? It’s like my religion! How dare you!” but there’s humor in my voice.  
“Of course I know what Harry Potter is you big nerd. It’s my favorite. I think I’ve read the series like 20 times”. Oh my God, I love this woman. I mean...like. I like this woman. That’s what I meant SHUT UP.  
“I’m sorry, Creampuff. It was too good to pass up”.  
“I swear to God, Karnstein”, both of us laughing.  
“Hey Laura?”  
“Yeah, Carm?”  
“Do you really think you’d have time to visit today? I know you said you could, but I also know you didn’t get a lot of sleep and it’s your day off…”  
“Carm…”  
“Yeah?”  
“I’ll be there”.  
“Yeah?” this time that word comes out with a cute little twang of hopefulness.  
“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be” and that is the absolute truth. I’m a little desperate for her but like you know...playing it cool. Kinda.  
“I’m like, really excited to see you. Is that crazy?”. Oh you giant goober.  
“I think we passed crazy a while ago”.  
“Yeah” she says, “I suppose that’s true”.  
“When do you want me to come by?”  
“Well, visiting hours are until 8 tonight so…”  
“Carm...that’s not what I asked. When do you want me there?” That’s right studio audience! I can be stern!  
“Um...maybe like...nowish?” she asks lightly but I can hear the tone and gosh she’s cute and all I wanna do is rush down there right this second.  
“Tell you what, let me shower and eat really quick and then I’ll get there as soon as I can. Is that ok?” I have impressed me. I have impressed me much for not running straight there. I’m gonna get me a gold star.  


“Too bad you don’t have a firebolt huh? That’d be cool. You could be here sooo fast!” Oh my stars….  
“You keep making HP references and I won’t be held accountable for my actions, Commander”. Where did that come from!?  
“Promise?” she counters. Jesus Christ.  
“Damn it, Karnstein…” said with a smile but we are now forced back into that crazy tension that I know she feels too.  
“So I’ll see you soon then?”  
“Yes, you’ll see me soon. And maybe I’ll come with a box of oatmeal, chocolate chip cookies baked fresh by one Lola Perry?” I say with flare.  
“Laura Hollis...you trying to get me to fall in love with you?” She says this in a joking matter but I pick up on the underlying bravado.  
“Depends...is it working?”, I am on FIRE today! I have NEVER been this smooth in my life! Literally never ever never.  
“It’s been workin, cupcake” she says and my smile is HUGE!! Like it’s falling off my face and the dragons are back in my stomach. God, weren’t nuts.  
“I’ll see you soon, Carm”  
“Looking forward to it, creampuff”.

As I hang up, I can’t stop the goofy feeling in my body nor do I want to. It feels too damn good. Yes, it’s fast. I guess. I don’t know. STOP OVER THINKING!!!  
Man I can’t wait to see her later. Ok, shower, eat and oh shit! Cookies!!  
“Uh Perry?” I say as I run into the kitchen. “I need a teensy favor…”


	9. Complications

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Laura brings cookies.  
> Carmilla is cute.  
> Danny fucking Lawrence.  
> 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!!
> 
> Thanks for the patience for those of you sticking with this. Honestly, I've been questioning if I should continue this but even if it fizzles out, I'm happy I at least tried to write it :)
> 
> As per usual, updates are sporadic. I don't have chapters written ahead of time. Sometimes writers block takes hold, other times I can't stop!!
> 
> Please forgive grammar issues.  
> To all my fellow front liners...THANK YOU!!
> 
> Stay safe, Creampuffs. See ya in the next chapter <3
> 
> Twitter: @Lprimosch  
> Insta: @L_Primosch

“Wellllll hello Commander KarnBOY SHORTS!”. Oh damn. Oh Fuck. How damn. HOW DARE. Oh fucking good Lord. I am dead.  
“Uh, hey Creampuff” chuckles Carmilla as the door to her hospital room closes.  
“Well, to be honest, I didn’t think it’d be this soon that I was showing you under my uniform, but here we are”. Still smirking. Again...HOW DARE!?  
Carmilla in boy shorts. Black boy shorts. And a black sports bra. CARMILLA IN BLACK BOY SHORTS AND A BLACK SPORTS BRA. IS ANYONE ELSE HEARING ME YELL?! Oh no...probably not. OH MY GOD HER ABS!!! And her legs!!! And her…  
“Laura?”  
“Boy shorts!”. Oh fucking hell “Hi abs! Uh, I mean, hi Carm…”. Nope, that couldn’t have gone worse. “Your body is banging!” Ok...worse. “Uh, I mean...you’re….you….hi!”.  
Ok so first thing Monday, appointment with a brain doctor cuz that was just, truly, WOW HOLLIS.  
“Hi” says Carm with a huge grin. EYES UP HOLLIS! Or maybe a little down...no up! Eyes up!

“Hey Carm, you want a hoodie or...Oh. Hey Laura”. Danny Lawrence.  
“Danny”, I say tight lipped because of course she’s here.  
“So this is super fun, but can everyone just like, chill out a bit?” Carmilla says.  
“Yeah, sorry. I can just step out while you...uh” I say softly.  
“That’s a good…” starts Danny, moving closer to Carm. Bitch, I will end you…  
“No way, cutie” interjects Carmilla, eyes back on mine. “Danny, I'm good here. You can head out”

The look Danny gives me would have me laughing my ass off if my body still wasn’t trying to recover from the fact that...let me just clear my throat for a second...COMMANDER KARNSTEIN AKA MY FUTURE WIFE IS STANDING IN NEXT TO NOTHING INFRONT OF ME AND SMILING AND OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO SLAM HER AGAINST SOMETHING AND….coolcoolcoolcool RELAX  
“Doctor said minimal moving of your arm, and you need clothes, Carm”, Danny lays a gentle hand on Carms lower back. I might growl. Roar? Leap like a jaguar?  
“All good, Lawrence, Hollis can help,” she says with a wink in my direction. “Plus, it’s almost time for your shift. I”ll catch ya, later” her eyes still on mine.

“Fine” huffs Danny and she breezes by me without so much as a “goodbye”.  
Ok so now it’s just me. And Carmilla. And Carmilla is naked. Well not naked. Boy Shorts. BOY SHORTS.  
“Laura?”  
“Huh? Yes! Hi!”. Brain. Not. Working. “Sorry, just...wasn’t expecting all of...that” I say, moving my hand in a circle indicating you know...her.  
“Like what you see?” she says flirtatiously.  
I am sooooooo gay. She laughs then. Why is she laughing? “Well thank God for that!”. Oh fuck. “So I said that outloud, huh?” Cool.  
“You did, yes” she says chuckling. Superrrrrr cool.  
“As much as I am enjoying watching your ‘sooooo gay’ eyes pop out of your ‘sooooo gay’ head, think you can help me? I needed out of that fucking hospital gown but I can’t really move my arm much. WIth the bandages”. Oh right! Hospital. Injured Carm.  
“Yeah. Sure”. Hey, remember when I said everything was cool? THIS IS COOOOOOOOL AND I AM FINE.  
“Did you want the shirt and sweatpants or…”  
“In my bag is a zip up hoodie and joggers. I can get the pants but will need help with the jacket, if that’s ok? Unless you’re uncomfortable, I can ask a nurse?” She’s looking at me  
concerned which is when I realize I still haven't moved.

“No, no...I’m not uncomfortable at all!”, Jesus, keep it in your pants, Laura! “I mean, I can help”. I put my stuff down and walk toward her as she starts pulling on the black joggers. “Ow, fuck”. I”m by her side in an instant. “Ok so maybe I need more help than I thought”. She’s precious.  
“Are you uh, ok with me helping you get your pants on?” I never want to say that sentence again….  
“Yeah. I'm ok if you are” she says. I expected her to be cocky. “Though I’d much rather you take them off then put them on” she says winking again. Annnnnd there it is.  
“Alright, easy Commander” I say chuckling as I lean down to the floor. Where her pants are. Which puts me in pretty much direct eye sight of the abs, the V junction that leads right down to…  
“You good, Creampuff?”  
“Totally and completely fine!” Did I just squeak?

I bend down and grab the top of the pants and slowly rise up and pull them with me.  
Jesus, her legs. So so soft. Up to her thighs. I hear her suck in a breath. Thank the Lord I’m not the only one having issues right now. Like HUGE issues. And over her hips, God her butt looks soooooo good annnnnnd “There we go '' I say finally. Not exactly sure how I didn’t just pass out but one in the win column for me! Standing full up right, looking her into her eyes, I realize my hands are still on her waistband and holy shit we’re close and holy shit her boobs are like RIGHT THERE.  
“Hi” she says with a small smile.  
“Hi back” I say.

She moves her good arm up and over my shoulder, pulling me into a soft hug. My arms slowly circle around her waist and land on her lower back, stroking the soft skin I find there and damn is it soft. I can’t help but think about how well, once again, her body fits so perfectly into mine. 

“I missed you” she says quietly. Pretty sure my heart just leapt into my throat. I turn my face into the crook of her neck. Her long mane of dark hair pulled back, allowing me access. I close my eyes and smile.  
“I missed you too”.

Her hold tightens on the back of my neck and I feel her cheek on the side of my head. We sway a little, just breathing each other in and dancing to our own heartbeats. 

Seconds, minutes, hours, could have honestly been years for all I know, till we slowly loosen our grips on each other but not moving away from each other cuz are you serious right now!? Carmilla is in my arms and I am not ever ever leaving this place ever. She moves back slightly and puts her forehead against mine. I take a breath. She does too.  
God she’s perfect.

Her eyes are still closed. A ghost of a smile and Lord help me, her lips are right there. She opens her eyes and looks at me...and then down to my lips. Oh fucking hell. Finally.  
My hands move. Almost on their own cuz I swear all I can think of at this moment is how much I want to cross those couple inches that separate me from her lips and kiss the hell out of her. My hands are moving up and down her back as her hand moves to cup my cheek. She looks at me once more before she tilts her head ever so slightly and I know. I know she’s going to kiss me and I’m both freaking the fuck out and urging her on mentally. I do not at all trust my voice at this moment. 

She’s only a hair's breadth away from me. My lips are tingling in anticipation. In my hazy view of everything, I see her tongue dart out and lick her lips and FUCKKKKK that’s so sexy. “Carm” I whisper and GOD DAMN IT JUST DO IT ALREADY. I feel her breath on my mouth and she’s so...close…

BANG! The door slamming into the wall scares the shit out of me. “Alright Commander! So...Oh. My apologies”. GODDDDDDDD DAMMMMMMNNNNN ITTTTTTT! WHY!!?! No but seriously! WHHHHYYYYYY!

“Hey Doc”. She clears her throat and takes a small step back. Her hand dropping from my face. Ohhhhh I am gonna strangle him! We’re in a hospital. It’ll be fine.  
I let out a very loud sigh and squeeze my eyes shut to slow my heart rate.  
I feel her move closer to me again, her hand on my hip, her breath on my ear.  
“You deserve so much better than a first kiss in a shitty hospital room. So hold that thought, Hollis”. When I say I almost exploded on the spot….LOOOOORRRRRRRTTTTTYYYYYY.

I look up at her, seeing all the emotions in her eyes that I know are swirling in mine.  
“I’ll hold it...for now” I say slightly frustrated, but she gets it.  
“Alright. What’s up Doc?” She takes a significant step back and picks up her zip up from the bed.  
That doctor. I swear to all that is good, I’mma glare at his stupid face this entire time.  
Shaking myself out of my annoyance I walk over to Carm and help her put on her jacket. A grateful smile on her lips as she turns back to the doctor.

“So some good news!! You will be discharged at the end of the week. We just want to make sure your mobility continues to be on track and no infections pop up before sending you home. We’re also going to start your rehab tomorrow morning. I want to start it while you're here and give you a good sense of it all and then we will transition to outpatient. You have a long road ahead, but I have a feeling you’ll be just fine” he smiles looking only at her.  
Yeah you better not look at me you vagina blocking son of a…

“Sounds good. Thanks Doc” says Carm whose hand is now on the small of my back.  
“Any idea when I can go back to work?”. Now that makes me tense. She must feel it because now she’s rubbing small circles over my skin.

“No physical activity for a bit, Commander”, he says knowingly. “Desk for a least a month once you’re cleared to go back”.  
“A month!?”  
“3-4 weeks, light duty, then we’ll see. I’ll check on you later” and out he goes.

“Fuck. A month behind a desk? I’ll die. I will actually die”.  
“You almost did” I say quietly. The sensual mood gone, replaced by tension.  
“Oh” she says. “Laura I…” she’s in front of me again. “I’m sorry, I’m just...I don’t know how to be behind a desk for that long. I’m used to being out in the field…”  
“Getting shot at?!” I almost don’t recognize my voice. Where did that come from?

She’s quiet now. I’m quiet now. She takes a tentative step towards me, reaching for my hand, placing it over her heart.  
“Laura” she says, and I raise my eyes up to her. “Laura, I’m sorry, but I’m a cop. This is what I do. I have worked incredibly hard to get to where I am. I’m sorry you're scared but I won’t...I can’t apologize for being out there. For going towards the danger”.

I know this. I’ve known this. I knew this from day one and we’re not together and I have no right to say anything but damn it….damn it why can’t she be like a...I don’t know, literally anything else.

“I know”, I say. “I”m sorry, I just...I know”. My forehead is back on hers. The tension is back but it’s not sexually charged this time. I just need to breathe her in. I need her close.  
She leans back enough to bring a hand up to wipe at the tears that I didn’t know was there. God she makes me feel everything. She doesn’t say anything. She leans in and places a soft kiss above my eye. My hands grip her shirt. I close my eyes, releasing a ragged breath and step back.

“So” I start, trying to lighten the mood. “I know I showed up way later than I had planned, but that’s only because Perry made a ridiculous amount of cookies for you. Like a RIDICULOUS amount. Which I have here….”. Her eyes search mine, trying to see if I’m hiding anything more and briefly looks down. When she looks back up, that playful spark is back. 

“Gimme!!!” which causes me to laugh. “Such. A. Dork” I mutter as I move to the box. Or boxes. Like Perry literally made enough to feed Dumbledore’s Army. Which includes Ronald Weasley. SO A LOT OF COOKIES. She instantly grabs one and shoves it in her mouth.

“Oh fuck” she says with almost a growl and wow that does something to me. “These are orgasmic” she says as she reaches for another. That DEFINITELY does something to me. Deep breath. 

“Everything Perry does in the kitchen is totally amazing. She's seriously the best at everything”. She’s on her forth now. “This is the best thing I’ve ever had in my mouth”. I choke on air. She looks at me then. “I’m sure we can top that though,” she says with a wink. Annnnnnd back to the visual of boy shorts and bra. Also my face is like...hell fire red. HELL FIRE. 

I exhale rather slowly. “You. Are. Killing. Me!! BEHAVE!” but also don’t.  
“It’s too easy, creampuff”. Silence again. Except for her munchin on cookies.

“Hey Carm?” I say somewhat tentatively. She looks up, mouth covered in crumbs, which makes me smile.  
“Ummm”, I’m not quite sure how to handle this. “Earlier, when I walked in….” She smirks.  
“Yes, I remember. Commander Boy Shorts!”  
“Oh shut up” I say, smacking her leg. Ok, here we go.  
“I noticed that um, well Danny. She uh...I don’t think she likes me very much. I mean she was nice on the train and when you were brought in but she gives me these looks...”.  
She slowly puts the cookie down on the bed between us and turns to face me. She takes a breath. So do I.

“Danny and I...we’re…” Oh God. Oh no. She must see the panic. “Oh shit, Laura no. Sorry, no. Nothing like that. We’re not together. No”.  
Ok, feeling back in my fingers and toes.  
“Were you? I mean, have you ever been? Because sometimes I get the feeling that she wants you and I’m in the way”. She sits for a minute with that. WOMAN!!  
“You’re not wrong,” she says.  
“Oh” I respond, feeling like a punch in the gut. She moves the box to the side table and moves closer, grabbing my hands a little awkwardly due to her shoulder. 

“Laura, look at me. I need you to look at me when I say this to you and I need you to really hear me”. Her tone is serious. She has my attention.  
“My history with Danny is complicated. We have a past but I promise you...I promise you I am not now nor have I ever been with Danny. I have never wanted Danny in that way. Ever. Ok? Ever”. I relax a little. 

“Ok, I just...I don’t know her well. I mean she was very nice to me when you were brought in and I’m very thankful she called but at the train, last night and now, she looks at you like...God, I don’t know. I don’t like how she looks at you”, my voice softer and I look down. 

Her fingers move my chin up, forcing me to look back at her. “Like I said, it’s complicated. My story, my background...it’s complicated. Danny was with me through a lot of shit and yeah, she has had feelings for me, but I made it clear I wasn’t interested. She’s my best friend but I promise, the only woman I’m looking at...is you” she says. Oh. Oh wow. “Laura...you’re the only thing I see...ok?. I seriously can’t with her.

My hand, almost on its own, reaches up to trace her jaw line. “Ok” I all but whisper. “Ok, I’m sorry”.  
“Don’t be sorry, beautiful” I think I just purred. “Like I said, it's complicated”. Her fingers play with a small hole in my jeans. I believe her, I do. I don’t know. Gah feelings are stupid! “Laura?” I look up. I can’t tell what she feels. She’s so hard to read, thought that's probably a good thing and what makes her an amazing cop. Silently, I reach for her, turning her hand over in mine, noticing for the first time, a few small scars on her wrist, but I say nothing about them. 

“When you say complicated...what does that mean?” I say somewhat nonchalantly. Or try to. She’s quiet for a minute then stands up, slipping on her shoes. She reaches her good arm out to me, my hand grasps hers. 

“Want to take a walk? If I’m gonna tell this story, I wanna be outside”. She pulls me up and we start to move.  
“Carm” I say, “You’ve been through a lot the last couple days...we can do this another time” though I really, REALLY don’t wanna.

“No cupcake. I don’t want you thinking or worrying about Danny. I want to tell you. If we’re gonna be...whatever we’re gonna be, you need to know my story. Or at least, the part with Danny. I want to tell you. I want to tell you everything”. The look she gives me when she says that last part….I have officially melted.  
Ok Commander”, I say as I open the door. “Let's go for a walk”.


	10. Good Enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carmilla tells Laura her story with Danny. 
> 
> SEE NOTES BEFORE READING

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING**  
> This chapter was intense to write and intense to read. It contains mentions of child abuse, substance abuse, cutting and physical violence.
> 
> I don't know how to add warnings to just specific chapters so I apologize for that.
> 
> Side note: This is obviously an update even tho the chapter index still says 10. I deleted my "Not an update" chapter to coincide with my writing. Thanks for sticking with me.

“Oh wow”, I say as I’m led through the door. “How’d you know this was up here? Can we even be up here?”. It’s like straight out of a movie. Flowers in boxes that line the rooftops makeshift garden. Christmas lights, the small twinkle ones, are woven in and out of wooden pallets that have been cut to form a tree house like structure. 

The corner of the roof top has been made into something that resembles a lounge. Pillows and blankets sit on the side. Stuffed animals and puzzles in the basket on the left. This is so cool!! The space is very inviting and open but it also has a sense of privacy due to the handmade “roof” overhead. 

I turn to look at Carmilla, who is leaning against the door that just closed, messing with her sling, a soft smile on her face as she looks at me. “Carm?” I say questioningly because looking at her, there’s something I pick up on but I can’t quite name it. 

“Yes cupcake. We can be up here” she says, still leaning against the door. I walk slowly towards her until I’m standing directly in front of her.  
“What is this place?”, and I swear if she says the roof, I might smack her. “It’s beautiful up here. I’ve never seen something like this at a hospital” and it’s true. My experiences with hospitals are cold, unforgiving rooms where you say goodbye. Not now, Laura!

She grabs my hand and walks me towards the lounge area, which now that I’m in it, has more of a secret club house vibe. She pulls back a curtain where a makeshift sign sits. “Safe Space” I read allowed, the letters look like a tiny human wrote them. I turn once again, and look at her, my eyes asking the question I don’t verbally say aloud. 

“Before I became the awesome, badass Commander that I now am” she says with a smirk, “I was a beat cop” she starts. “I was two years on the job. I was doing well. Really well actually. They wanted to promote me to Lieutenant a year in, skipping Sergant all together.” Oh damn. My girl is talented! My girl?! Uh, a girl. The girl? My…shut up brain. 

“I ended up turning them down because I loved what I was doing. I loved being on the street. Interacting with the community. Policing the areas I grew up in. I knew the streets better than anyone and felt so fulfilled by what I was doing. Plus, I hated the idea of sitting behind a desk no matter how good a career move it may have been”. I am so enthralled by her. God, she is so...the way she looks as she talks...she loves it. 

She moves around me and sits down on the love seat, motioning for me to follow. She’s looking down at her lap, wringing her hands together. I move my hand to cover hers. She stills and looks up.

“Not to be all ‘look at me’ but I had a very high arrest record. I implemented programs that caused a drastic drop in domestic violence and headed up that task force that brought down the trafficking ring a while ago”.

“That was you!?” holy fucking shit. “That was all over the news! We studied that in my criminal journalism class!”. Carmilla smiled slightly. “I don’t say all of that for an ego trip. I say that to let you know a little about why I’m so young and in charge of SWAT. Why they wanted to advance me and the kinds of things I did. I’m sure you wondered how someone my age was in a position like mine. I’m not bragging, I promise” she seems like she’s kind of panicking at this point. 

“Carm” I say, moving my hands from hers to lightly touch her face. “Carm, I don’t think you’re bragging, beautiful” Oh damn a pet name. Ah fuck it, whatever. “I know you’re an amazing officer” I say. Her eyes are dead locked on mine. She licks her lips and I swear she’s about to kiss me but she doesn’t. And honestly that’s ok. I know she needs to keep going.

“Ok” she says, taking a breath. “Ok so Kirsch and I were on a lunch break”.  
“Kirsch?!” I am excited and all but shout his name. She laughs at this.  
“Yeah. Kirsch was my partner. We graduated from the academy together” she says fondly. “And yes, before you ask, he’s always been the ‘goofy, puppy man' he is now’” she says with a smile. That makes me laugh because OF COURSE he has. My hand is back in hers now.

“Ok, so we’re on lunch break and a call comes over the radio. A domestic involving a ‘tender aged’ child”. She must see the confused look on my face. “A ‘tender aged’ child is a child who is thirteen years or younger”. Oh God...this is not going to be a good story.

“So” she begins again, her face unreadable. “Kirsch and I heard the call, the address being less than a block away. We immediately radioed in saying we would take it. As we were running to the car, the call was updated to a 10-18”, she looks grim when she says this.  
“And...what does that mean? I saw, scared to hear the answer.

“It means ‘ongoing assault with a weapon, severe injury”. Oh.  
“It doesn’t take us long to get there, cuz she we were so close. I was out of the car before Kirsch even stopped it, breaking down the door and saw him. The father. He was standing over his daughter with a knife”. Oh Carm. I need to be closer to her, so I move.

“The girl was breathing, but barely from what I could tell from the angle I was at and the fact that she was on the floor. I could barely make out her face due to all the bruising. Her arm was bent in a weird way...there was so much blood. The father looked at me. Both Kirsch and I kept screaming ‘Drop the knife!’. I needed to get to the girl. I wasn’t sure how long she had. The father? He just laughed. He was laughing! This sick fuck who had just beaten his 9 year old daugher, stabbed her from the look of it, broke her arm and who knows what else, and hes laughing”. Jesus, this is hard to hear. 

“He raised up at us and shouted ‘Fuck you! I’m going to kill her!’ and he raised the knife. So I shot him”. Fuck.  
“He didn’t die,” she continues. “I really wish he had, but he didn’t”. The disgust in her voice is extremely apparent and I don’t blame her one fucking bit. 

“What happened?” I ask gently.  
“He's in prison. Toronto South to be specific. Serving 30 years. Should be on death row in my opinion”.  
“And the child?”  
“Maddie”.  
“What?” I say, looking at her.  
“Maddie. Her name. Well, Matska but Maddie for short”. She says this all very quietly.  
“That's a very pretty name” I say, moving my hand to stroke her hair. That seems to relax her a bit.

“So what happened to Maddie?”. She tenses slightly and takes a breath. “She was rushed to the hospital. She coded twice on the way in. She was put through multiple surgeries. Ruptured spleen, broken arm, concussion, fractured ribs, stab wounds in the leg. I don’t know how she made it through that. Such a strong little girl” I can see the tears welling up in her eyes. I so desperately want to wrap her in my arms and hold her. God, this is killing me but I know it’s so much worse for her. She has more to say. 

“When I interviewed her, she was so brave. So, so brave. We formed a bond of sorts. She would only talk to me. I stopped by and visited her everyday after my shifts. We would play games, draw...she kept making me listen to the Jonas Brothers” she says with a slight chuckle.  
“Oh no” I laugh out. “Yeah” she with a smile  
“She was obsessed”, her smile slowly fades. 

“When the trial started, she wanted to testify against him. I didn’t want her to. She was still in so much pain, but being a little badass, she insisted. I even got her a little leather jacket to wear. It matched mine”. That is sooooo adorable and God Carm is cute. She’s so proud. My heart is gonna bust out of my chest soon.

“She got up on that stand and said everything. About how her dad would constantly get drunk and beat her. It had been happening since she was 6. All she wanted was to run away but he threatened her. She was expected to cook dinner, do laundry, clean the house…”  
“At 6 years old!?!” Jesus fucking Christ, I hate people.  
“Yeah, and when she didn’t, he would go off.”  
“Where was her mother?”  
“She ran off when Maddie was four. I think he was probably beating her too and when she took off, the father moved his rage from her, to Maddie”.  
“She left!?! She just left her daughter?!” I am trying really hard not to freak out more than I already am.  
“I know, love” she says. There’s some silence as her and I both process.

“Maddie kept a diary. She documented every time he hit her. That was corroborated by her injuries. We found it hidden in a backroom in the basement. There was like a little room set up. It was only big enough for Maddie to get in and out of. Blanket on the floor. Books. She called it her ‘Safe Space’. Her retreat. The diary was key in getting a conviction. Took the jury no time at all to convict him of attempted murder”.

Something clicks. “Safe space?” I say, looking around at the rooftop and back at the sign. She smiles.  
“Yeah” she says. “Danny and I built the space for Maddie while she was recovering. She painted the sign. It was a place for her to escape her room when things got bad. When Maddie was discharged, we kept it up. Now other kids use it. We actually bring child victims up here for interviews. It makes them more comfortable”.  
I have no words. She is so amazing. She is...God she is so amazing. 

“Carm” I whisper, “that’s..this is...that’s beautiful”. She squeezes my hand.  
We sit for a bit. At this point I have to ask though. “Carm, I appreciate you telling me all of this. I really do, but uh…”I start  
“What does this have to do with Danny?” she says, with a knowing smile.  
“Yeah” I say softly.  
“That’s coming” she says, somewhat tensely.  
Silence again.

“So how is Maddie now?” I ask, trying to redirect the conversation. “Do you still see her?” Carm takes a deep breath and she is definitely tense now. Her shoulders drop, and she looks at me. “Maddie, died Laura” she says matter of factly and my blood turns cold. My breath vanishes.  
“Wha...what?” I manage to say.

“It was two weeks after the trial was over. She was back in the hospital for follow ups on her surgery” tears are slowly gathering, to fall down her beautiful face. Mine are already falling.  
“Brain aneurysm. Undetectable. March 6th at 11:32am. I left her room at 11:15am. I was barely out of the lot when I got the call from Danny. She was the original paramedic on the case and knew how close Maddie and I were”.  
“Carm...I’m...I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry”, because I am. God, I can’t even begin to understand. 

“I went and saw that jackass in prison. To tell him his daughter was dead and I was coming after him for 2nd degree murder charges. He just laughed and said ‘Good luck with that’. He laughed. Just like he did before”.  
I have never wanted to kill someone so much in my life.  
“He got life though, right? After the trial for the new charges?”. 

“There was no trial” she says in a very tight voice. “What!? But his actions lead to her dying!! Why the fuck wouldn’t there be a trial?!” Oh I am incensed.  
“Yeah. I uh...I didn’t react to that well at all. You know, I put my heart and soul into this system but sometimes, a lot of the time, it breaks my heart”. Silence.  
“After the funeral...I was not ok”.  
“I can imagine”, because I can. She’s not saying anything now.  
“Laura I...I want to tell you. I do. I just...please, please just don’t judge me too harshly”. She’s scared. 

I get up from the place we’re sitting and move to the table that’s directly in front of her and sit down on the edge, my knees knocking with hers. I grab her hands and to get her to look up at me, a ferocity I’ve never felt before filling me. 

“Carmilla, look at me”. She does. “There is nothing...NOTHING, that you could say to me that will cause me to negatively judge you or judge you at all. I am not going anywhere”. I do not blink when saying this because I am super, fucking serious.  
She stares at me for a moment. “Ok” she says  
“Whenever you’re ready” I respond.  
Deep breath. I never let go of her hands and my gaze does not stray. 

“After Maddie died, I um, well lets just say that Johnny Walker and I became very close. I was drinking daily, to the point where I passed out. I was showing up late to work, I was insubordinate...I gave up my badge. I stopped talking. I disappeared”. I expected this. “I pushed everyone away. No one wanted anything to do with me. They understood in the beginning but I was mean. So mean to everyone. Everyone left. Everyone, except Danny”. Deep breath Laura.

“Danny glued herself to me. She took everything I threw at her. My anger, my insults. She picked me up at the bar when I was thrown out night after night. She did my laundry, she put food in my fridge, she basically moved in just to make sure I didn’t drink myself to death. She cleaned up the vomit and the tears. The things I broke. She convinced my boss to put me on suspension with no pay instead of taking my badge as quitting. She did everything”.

Oh my God...Danny. “There’s more, isn’t there”. It wasn’t a question from me, just a statement, because I know there is. Something she doesn’t want to say. She starts rubbing her wrist over the scars I saw earlier. A tingling starts in my body. Time to girl the hell up Hollis.

“Carm, look at me. Remember what I said? I’m not going anywhere”. She looks at me and nods. She stands. She starts to pace, shaking a little and as much as I want to run to her, I simply turn on the table and face her. “It was...on the day that would have been her 10th birthday. The Jonas Brothers were in town for their tour. I was planning on surprising her”. Steady breathing, Laura, steady.  
“I thought I had thrown them out but found the tickets in a desk drawer when I was looking for the alcohol Danny had hidden away. When I saw them, I lost it. I started breaking everything I could get my hands on”. She’s moving again and I track every step. Waiting. She stops.

“Why couldn’t I save her!?”. She’s yelling now and my heart is breaking. I’m still waiting. “She was 9, Laura! 9!” She’s crying. Not yet, Hollis.  
“I...I grabbed a bottle, I don’t know what it was, Vodka maybe and just guzzled it and slammed it down and it broke. I was blind with rage and sadness. I was out of my mind. I uh…” the tears flowing freely now. “I picked up one of the shards of glass and…” she’s rubbing the scars on her wrist and I am biting my lips so hard, I taste blood, I understand.  
“I just wanted to feel something. Anything”. Slow, slow breaths, calm your heart down Hollis. Stop crying. She needs you to be strong.  
“I passed out, lost a lot of blood. I just wanted to die. I couldn’t do it anymore”. She pauses. 

“Next I knew, I woke up in the hospital”.  
“How?” I manage to say, even though deep down, well not that deep down, I know the answer.  
She looks up. “Danny”, confirming my thoughts. “Danny found me. Cleaned up the blood and brought me in. She didn’t yell. Didn’t judge me. Just hugged me and cried with me. She never waivered. She got me into rehab. She saved my life. She stayed when I didn’t deserve it. When she should have run, when I wanted her to run, she stayed. She stayed through everything”. She stops pacing and looks straight at me.  
“I know you don’t like Danny. I understand why, but she’s the reason I am standing here today. I meant what I said before, I do not have feelings for her, but she is the reason I am alive”.  
I nod, words are very hard right now.  
“Maddie’s death will always haunt me, but I’ve been sober for 3 years. I still go to therapy and if there’s anything else you want me to do to prove I’m good enough for you, I’ll do it”. Oh baby. My tears are back.

“I’ll do anything. I just...I want to be good enough. I want to be good enough for you”.  
I can’t take it anymore. I’m up and moving so quickly, I don’t even feel the ground. My hands reach for her face, cradling it, wiping away the tears.  
“Baby” I say, because I don’t give a fuck about what we are or aren’t or what I am allowed to call her or anything else.  
“Baby, you are good enough. You are everything”.  
And then I’m kissing her. I’m kissing her with everything I have and everything I am. And she’s kissing me back. Hard. Holding me like I might float away, which, let me tell you I just might.

Her lips are so soft yet firm against mine. My hand grips the back of her neck, the other is holding on to her face now so I don’t bump her shoulder. Her tongue runs the length of my bottom lip, and I let her in, meeting her warm mouth with mine, I don’t know who moans first. 

If she wasn’t holding me as tightly as she was I straight up would have fallen down because I do not trust my legs at this moment.  
When air becomes a problem, I pull back slightly. Both of us breathing hard but refusing to move more than a centimeter away from one another. Her grip tightens on my waist and I let out an involuntary gasp. I am drowning in her right now. My brave, strong officer. My heart in physical form. I lick my lips and stare directly into her eyes. 

“You are good enough. You are worth everything” I say again. My voice cracks but I don’t care. “You hear me?” I shake her a little.  
She nods. “I hear you “ she whispers.

We stand there, just looking into each other's eyes. There are so many things I want to say but it is so hard to voice them. My mind is a mess, trying to freeze this moment. My lips tingling from the best fucking kiss I have ever had in my life. How is she real? How is this feeling real? Where has she been all my life? I am in complete awe of this woman. She has me. Completely.

“Thank you for trusting me and telling me about Maddie. And Danny” I say, wiping the tears off her face but again, I’m not fucking moving even the slightest bit away from her. I need to be closer. 

“You’re everything too, Laura” she says so quietly, that I would have missed it had I not been looking directly at her. “You’re everything to me”. 

Before I can respond, her lips find mine again and it’s her and I. Her and I on a rooftop, under the stars, wrapped up in eachother. Connected. It’s perfect. We kiss like we’ve been doing it our whole lives. I don’t care about the complications. I don’t care how fast this is. At this moment, I’m not scared. The way her one good hand finds my lower back, a place I am now convinced was made for her touch and her touch alone, has all the air leaving my body. I am in heaven. This is heaven. Here, on this rooftop, in our own safe space. Together. And just like her, it is everything.


	11. Vodka Cranberry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some fluff to break up the drama :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unsure when the next update will be as, I'm sure you can tell, they tend to be pretty sporadic.
> 
> I have a bunch of ideas of where I want this story to go, but putting it to "paper", as it were, it's taking a little more time.  
> NOT GIVING UP ON THIS!!! 
> 
> Work has been a little crazy, but I am writing down stuff as I go.
> 
> Thanks for all the kind words and encouragement. See ya in chapter 12 <3
> 
> As always, feel free to say hi on twitter @LPrimosch :)

“Ok so there are clean sheets on your bed”  
“Cupcake…”  
“Food in the fridge”  
“Creampuff…”  
“Your meds are here and the doctors number is here”  
“Cutie…”  
“I made my number speed dial one in your phone. Oh shoot! Heating pad!! I’ll run out and…”  
“LAURA!”. I stop.

“Laura” says Carmilla again, but softer and with a smile. “Breathe, beautiful”. I melt.  
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I know. I’m running around like a crazy person. I just want to make sure you have everything you need”. I’m rambling. I’m a rambler. My dad says it's cute but I’m pretty sure it’s like...not. He also bought me a sweater with a big fucking owl on it. Last year. So his judgment might not be the best....

“Laura, it’s gonna be ok” says Carmilla sweetly, brushing some hair out of my eyes. She pretty. She like, supa pretty.  
“Are you sure you don’t wanna go back to the hospital for one more night?”. I know it’s dumb but I AM WORRIED!!! 

“I was there for a week. I can’t go back. Doc said other than being a little sore around the surgery site, I’ll be good with the meds and rehab. All good, cupcake”. She says this smiling as she wraps her hands around my waist, mine moving up to tangle in her hair.  
“I know, I know. I just…”  
“Worry”, she says smiling. “I know” she whispers as she leans down to kiss me.

This is an action that has been happening daily, cuz I’ve been seeing her everyday because OBVIOUSLY WHO COULD STAY AWAY!? Back to the kissing. I love it. Very much addicted and not lookin for a cure. She makes me all tingly.

“Do we really need to gooooo?” She whines. Still cute.  
“Yes, you big baby. Your unit and your non cop peeps wanna see you and celebrate you being set free!!”. The fuck? Peeps?  
“My non cop peeps?” she says amused.  
“Oh shut up” I say, smacking her good arm.  
“Alright fine. Let’s goooo” she says, “At least I got some good arm candy!”  
SUCH. A. DORK.

“Red and brainiac comin?”. Ah yes, the nicknames. We shall work on the nicknames.  
“Yeah, they’re meeting us at the bar. You ready?”  
“One sec” and she grabs me and pulls me into a deep, passionate kiss and JESUS LORD AND ALL THE HOUSE ELVES, I SEE STARS!  
“Ok” I hear from somewhere, “now I'm ready!”  
Huh? What’s happening...room spinning, air needed.  
“Come on Hollis, don’t wanna be late to my party!” and she’s out the door.  
“She’s gonna be the death of me”.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
At the bar -  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“You sure you don’t want your sling?” I literally can’t help it. I have a problem.  
She chuckles a little and moves closer to me.

“Creampuff, for the last time, I am fine. It’s a little sore sure, but I’m ok”, moving closer still, effectively pinning me against my car we’ve both just exited. Not hating it.  
“Plus” she says with a smirk and a wandering hand that is now playing with my front pants pocket, ooooh girl. “Without the sling, I can do this…”. The hand on my pocket moves to wrap around my waist and the other moves to the back of my neck and pulls me into a kiss.  
I’m sorry, not a kiss...A LIFE ALTERING MOVEMENT.. God this will never get old. BRAIN MALFUNCTIONING. 

I move my hands to the collar of that smooth leather jacket that cloaks her body perfectly, pulling her harder against me. Fuckkkkkk, I am having problems. PROBLEMS. Not really problems but good lord fuck this party, lets go back to her place NOW.  
She bites my lip and an electric shock goes through me. She pulls back. Man, this WOMANNNNN.

“Mmmmm” I manage to breathe out, my arms move to encircle her neck. “I suppose there are benefits to no sling” I say dreamily. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to hover, but it’s only been a week since you got hurt and…”, she uses her finger tips to tip my chin up in a slow kiss. God, this woman. I say again. THIS WOMAN.

We break apart, she still has me leaning against my car. “I know you’re worried, poptart, but I’m ok. I”m not gonna go crazy, I’m not gonna drink, we’re just meeting up with the crew. I will be fine, ok?”

“Poptart?” I say with a laugh, moving my head back and playing with her hair. She smiles and moves towards me, her lips ghosting mine, “what? You don’t like? She says in the sexiest voice I have ever heard and fucking hell…”No, no...I definitely didn’t say that” I say in as much of a voice as I can manage, my hand tightening in her hair and, if you’re just joining the show, the tension is THICKKKKKKKK.  
“I like it very, very, much” and surge forward in a semi-not but totally semi-aggressive, hard kiss. She moans. SCORE ONE FOR THE POPTART!

“Damn, Hollis, didn’t think you had it in you”. Lafs voice reaches my ears from behind me. Carmilla pulls back, dropping her hand so both perch on my waist. 

“Well hello there, science nerd”, she says in the direction of the voice.  
“Commander”, they say. ANNNNNNND let the making fun of me begin. Though whatever. Don’t care. I got the girl!...Kinda.  
I spin in her arms, looking at Laf over the top of my car.  
Carmilla's hands tighten around me and I lean back a little in her embrace, careful of her shoulder. This is my new favorite spot. 

“Hi, Laf” feeling the ridiculous blush across my face. “Where’s Perry?”  
“She ran into Kirsch when parking the car. They’re gonna meet us up front”. They’re still smiling at me.  
“You look cosey” they say, looking right at me. BLUSHING. HARD. Carmilla’s grip tightens.  
“Well we were...” Carm breathes out.

“Oh come on Commander Grumpy pants...let's go celebrate your return to the land of the living!” says Laf as they run off towards the front of the bar. I spin around, never once taking my hands off her. Cuz that is like...stupid.

“You heard them, Commander grumpy, lets go!” and with a quick kiss, we’re moving towards the door.

“BOSS LADY!!!!”, I hear it a second before I feel Carmilla’s hand slip from mine and see her lifted into the air by Kirsh.  
“Ow, fuck! Kirsch, put me down”. He all but drops her. She rubs her shoulder.  
“Wilson! She JUST had surgery a week ago! Why the hell would you pick her up!?”. Yes I used his first name! Yes, I’m yelling!!

“Oh God...I’m so sorry! I’m so so sorry!! I was just excited to see you out!! Are you ok?!” Kirsh looks like he might cry.  
“Laura” she says through gritted teeth. From pain, not anger.  
“It’s ok. I’m ok”. I’m still glaring at him.  
“Kirsch...I’m good ok? Just maybe don’t do that again. Copy?” her hand finds my lower back. It’s like an insta relief patch.  
“Copy” he says.  
Carm smiles, “She called you Wilson”. She’s teasing him now.  
“Yeah, yeah, whatever” he smiles back.

“Carmilla. Nice to see you!” and cue Perry.  
“Likewise, Red”.  
Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Do not do itttttttt. “You sure you’re ok?” damn. It. “We can go if you want? Hospital?”. DEAR GOD STOP IT.

“Laura, I promise I am ok. Don’t worry” Yeah sure ok no. “Come on, let's go see the rest of the kids”.

“Everyone is so excited!” comes Kirsch in his little kid voice. Or maybe just his regular voice. He’s a puppy.

“Ok but you told everyone to like..relax right? It’s just a hang out at our normal bar...No big deal.”  
“Sure boss. No big deal” says Kirsch, opening the door. Oh he lyinnnnnnn!!

We are met with the loudest cheer I have ever heard. Yup!! LYIN!!  
A banner above the bar reads “Welcome back boss!”. The place is packed with officers, paramedics, doctors….some in uniform, some not. All of her friends. Pretty much everyone in Toronto. This is Carmilla’s family. These are her people. I’M NOT NERVOUS!  
I see Will standing next to the Chief. I see S.J. I see Danny.  
“Oh for fucks sake”, I hear Carmilla breathe out. 

Thinking she’s in pain, I turn...yeah yeah yeah, shut up, I know...but she’s got a small smile on her face. Not pain. I grab her hand and she looks at me. “Welcome to the chaos, cupcake. And the family”. Before I even have a chance to say anything, everyone seems to move as one towards her.

Her hand is pulled from mine as she’s pulled towards familiar faces. I go to follow but Laf pulls me in the other direction, Perry on my other side. “Come on Frosh, let's get a drink and a table. Your girlfriend is gonna be a minute”. MY WHO WHAT NOW!?

“No no no, Laf, she’s not my girlfriend”. Well...I mean, maybe she is?  
“Oh really?” they say in a mischievous voice. “Ok then, Miss-stayed-with-her-daily-had-a-super-romantic-rooftop-kiss-moved-her-home-holding-hands-heart-eyes-basically-doing-it-against-the-car, what is she then?”.  
“Who is what?”. Oh fuck a duck. Carmilla.

“Hi! No one is anything. It’s fine. Drink? Wait, no, no drink for you. Meds. Me drink. Drink bar, me go”. What in the actual hell was that, Hollis? Pretty sure my picture is in the dictionary for both “gay panic” and “dumb ass”. 

“Smooth, Hollis”, says Laf smiling.  
“Lafontaine, hush”, thank you Perry!  
“Laura, you ok?” says Carm, looking at me.  
“Yupperoni!! Brb!!” Need a drink!!!”. LAURA HOLLIS. What were those words?! Were they words!?! Yupperoni!?!?! Oh I need alcohol. I’m just gonna die a little and slump down in this bar chair. This is where I live now.

“What can I get ya?”. I look at the older gentleman, the bartender. He can probably handle stressful situations and not say stupid shit like Yupperoni. “Uh, Vodka Cranberry. Gin and Tonic and whatever IPA you have on tap. And a water”. Might as well get drinks for the whole gang. 

“I’ll take an IPA too, Bobby. Thanks”. Danny Lawrence.  
“Hey Danny”.  
“Hollis”  
She turns to put her back to the bar, looking out at the crowd of people. I do the same. My eyes immediately catching on Carmilla.  
“She looks good”, I hear.  
“Huh?”  
“Carmilla. She looks good”. Don’t get jealous, Laura. Remember the rooftop.  
“Not at all surprised to see her out of her sling though” she kinda chuckles.  
“Yeah, I tried, but she is rather...stubborn”.  
“Yeah, she’s kind of always been that way. Stubborn asshole”, her eyes still on Carm.

We spend the next few minutes just watching the woman who plays a major role in both our lives. We both watch as everyone tries to get time with her. To touch her. Be in the same space as her. I watch as she jokes with Laf, includes Perry in conversations, hugs Kirsh and the rest of her team, high fives Will and ruffles his hair.

“She’s pretty captivating isn’t she?” says Danny and I can’t help but agree, because of course she is. She’s spectacular.  
“She really, really is” I breathe out.

“Here you go ladies!”. I turn as the bartender throws the four drinks in front of me and gives Danny her beer. Silence.  
“Well, I guess I should mingle” says Danny kind of awkwardly and starts to move away.

“Hey Danny, wait” I say quickly. She turns towards me. “Carmilla told me about Maddie”. Well she definitely wasn’t expecting that. “She...she told you about that?”  
“She did yes. She brought me up to the roof and told me about ‘Safe Space’ and I just…look, I know you don’t like me much cuz of...well”, I glance in Carmilla’s direction. “I just...thank you”.  
“What are you thanking me for?”  
“For saving her. For being there. For...Danny, I know I have only been in her life for a week and I’m not trying to come between you guys. I know she’s your best friend and you’re hers”, she puffs out her chest a little and stands a little straighter. I look back at Carm for a minute, her eye catches mine and she smiles. I break it, but just for a second to look back to Danny.  
“Thank you, Danny. For being her rock. I know it probably doesn't mean anything coming from me but I want to thank you anyways”. She just looks at me with an expression I can’t quite place.

I feel Carmilla on my right side. Her hand finding my lower back. Her spot. “Hey cutie, just checkin on ya. Came to get the ginger gays their drinks before Laf and JP start making some 1,0000% proof craziness with all the shots”.

“Oh God, yeah. We should get back. I’ve seen that experiment and it does NOT end well”, I say as I curl into her side.  
Carmilla looks at Danny now. “You good, Lawrence?”. Danny looks at me, gives me the slightest head nod, then turns back to Carm. “All good, Karnstein. I”ll be by in a bit” and she turns and walks towards a group of nurses on the other side of the bar. 

“Hi beautiful” says Carm  
“Hi back”. Seriously, I am putty in her very strong hands. Hands that I desperately want on other parts of me but alas....”Come on goober, let's get you back to your friends”.

“Blonde hottie!! Hi!!!’. Oh Kirsh.  
“Frrrroooooossssshhhhhh!”. Damn...they drunk.  
“Laura! Oh Thank God. Help. Do NOT give them another drink”.  
“Perry, I was gone for like 5 minutes!! What the hell happened!?”  
“Frosh!! Feeeerrrrrosh! Member, J.P.!? Member him!!! We made some dranky drinks! Want one!?!”  
“Oh dear God, it’s sophomore year all over again” I say  
“And Will!!! Look freshness!”, well that’s a new nickname from them, “It’s Will!!! You know Will!! He’s your girlfriends brother!”

Oh no. No no. No. No. No. LAF SHUT THE HELL UP! I turn to look at Carmilla but thank DUMBLEDORE’S GHOST, she’s been pulled into a conversation and doesn’t seem to have heard that. Thank God.

“Girlfriend!?”. Oh. It’s Danny. Coolcoolcoolcool.  
“What’s up?” ANNNNNNNND ENTER CARMILLA. I need chocolate! I need to stress eat and all there is, is peanuts!! WHY IS THAT ALWAYS THE ONLY THING AT BARS!?!

“She’s your girlfriend?” says Danny to Carmilla. Carmilla’s mouth opens slightly and looks at me. I see Laf look sheepishly at me and mouths “sorry”. Oh you bet your ass ginger nerd, you better be sorry.  
“Oh. Uh…” starts Carm…

“Can I have everyone’s attention, please! Settle down. Settle down, now”. It’s the Chief. Perfect.  
“So, we all know why we’re here tonight. At a bar. DRINKING RESPONSIBLY!!”, everyone laughs at that.  
“We are here to celebrate the triumphant return of one of the best...Commander Karnstein”. Everyone cheers, Carm ducks her head. “While I understand that there is absolutely nothing that could take our dear Commander from us permanently, she’s like a cat. Nine lives, this one”. More chuckling. “You gave us a bit of a scare there, kid”. 

Carm smiles a bit, every eye on her. My fingers play with the back of her shirt. “Not only is she back with us, but her and the rest of SWAT saved everyone at the theater that night and essentially wrapped that case up with a bow for the prosecutors. I didn’t have the time to say that earlier, so great work SWAT teams”. More applause and high fives from the officers scattered around.

“She’s got some more healing to do so she’ll be, dare I say it, at a desk for a bit”.  
“You can try to put me behind one, but I wouldn’t recommend it!” yells Carm with a scowl, making everyone laugh.  
“Probably a good thing, cuz your kids want you back” says the Chief.  
“Yeah we do!”  
“Fuck yeah!”  
“Miss you boss!”  
All shouts coming from her SWAT officers.

“Please raise your glasses and join me in a toast to our fearless leader”. This makes me smile cuz like...he’s the Chief. Everyone toasts Carm and then I hear Kirsch’s voice. “Anything to say boss?” he says with a smirk. She glares at him and then looks around at the rest of the officers and all the other guests that have come to see her.  
“You guys are all so screwed when I get back” she says. Everyone cheers and returns to their mini conversations.

“Hey buttercup? Can we talk?”. Oh damn it.  
“Uh sure”. This is gonna be totally fine.  
Carm grabs my hand and pulls me through the crowd towards the bar. Maybe I can snag a bottle of something on the way cuz I’m gonna need some liquid courage. Or you know, something quick to knock me out. 

“Hey Bobby” she says to the bartender from before. “Gonna borrow the office for a few”. He nods and returns back to the people at the bar. 

Once inside the room I turn to look at her. Pretty sure she will be able to see my heart beating out of my chest. 

“So you’re just taking over the bar office? That’s neat”. She smiles as she closes the door.  
“This bar is basically an unofficial cop shop. We’ve been coming here for years. Bobby’s retired Police. He’s owned this bar for quite a while” she says, as she takes a seat on the desk, her legs hanging off. 

I’m just standing awkwardly which is like, not to brag, my forte.  
“So”, she starts, “Girlfriend?”. Ah fuck me.  
“Yeah”, I say shakily. “Laf has a big mouth, especially when drunk. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or anything. I know we’ve been really intense lately and I know I’m not your girlfriend and we’re not labeling it, I just…” RAMBLING CHAMP 24 YEARS IN A ROW!!  
Silence.  
“Is that what you want?” she says, looking at me.  
“What?”  
“Girlfriends. Do you...I mean, do you want to be my girlfriend?” she says, sheepishly.  
YES. OF COURSE I DO!! YES YES YES.

“I really, really like you Carm. I don’t think I even understand how much”. Oh good, you didn’t say love. Not that I love her. Cuz that would be stupid. Just...whatever.  
“I really, really like you too, creampuff” she says quietly, “Doesn’t answer my question though”, said with a smirk.

“I...really want to be your girlfriend” I say. Whew boy, honesty is hard sometimes.  
She smiles and gets up to move towards me.  
“I’m going to say something now and it’s not bad. I promise. I just need to say something”.  
“You’re not about to tell me you have a secret wife or something, right?” I say, trying to laugh but I’m also hella nervous.

She stands directly in front of me now, her hands holding mine. It’s kinda like how two people stand at an alter...but like that’s not something I should be thinking of...nope.

“I’ve said it before, but I’m going to say it again. I was not at all prepared for you. And now that I know what life is like with you, I don't want to be without you. This week, even though it involved hospitals, and rehab and A LOT of cussing...and kissing, it’s been the best week ever”. My hands leave hers and trail up her arms to the back of her neck as hers find my waist. I’m smiling like an idiot. 

“I don’t have a good track record with relationships. I thought I was going to lone wolf it after my last relationship...it was rough. Really really rough, and painful. She was...not a good person. She made me feel like I didn’t deserve anything good. And my job...my job is hard when it comes to being with someone. I have to put it first, even if I don’t want to. I work crazy hours, I miss dates and events”. This does not sound good, but I’m listening. “I know this is fast. Even from a lesbian standpoint”. I chuckle at that. “For the record, I want to be your girlfriend. More than I’ve ever wanted to be someone’s girlfriend”. My heart is swelling. She pauses.  
“But?”, I say tentatively. She tightens her hold.

“I feel like you are something big. That we would be big, and while that both terrifies and excites me, there are some things we should talk about. About myself, my job. I want you to be absolutely sure, and I want to be able to give you everything you deserve. I want to be good enough”. There’s that phrase again. I need to ask her about that. “I don’t want to see anyone but you, but I want to finish telling you my story because you….God Laura, I am falling for you, hard. I’m used to being tough. Being strong. I don’t do anything half assed. I don’t do scared but Laura, you scare the shit out of me. You could destroy me”. Fuck this woman will never not take my breath away with her words. “So I’m asking you to wait. Just for a little bit. I meant what I said on the rooftop. I want to tell you everything. Are you ok with that? I mean, is that ok?”. She’s nervous. Which in a weird way gives me strength. 

I wrap one hand in her black mane of hair and with the other, I run my fingers over her lips. I lean in to kiss her. Soundly. My tongue begging for entrance, which she grants immediately. I could easily spend the rest of my life kissing her. 

Pulling back, I rest my forehead against hers. “I’ll wait forever”, I whisper.  
She kisses me again. “Not forever” she says breathlessly. “Definitely not forever”.

We stay wrapped up in eachother, just like on the roof. Well I mean we were, until that loud knock on the door startles us.

“Yo sis! Stop banging Laura and get out here!! It’s your party!”.  
“God, I’m gonna kill him. I’m gonna shoot him dead with my service weapon”  
With a quick kiss and a laugh, I spin her in my arms towards the door “Come on Commander. Your people await!”  
Ugh fine”. She’s smiling though.

“Hey cupcake?” she spins me back towards her  
“Yeah?”. Wait, is she...she’s being shy right now!  
“Will you go on a date with me?”. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?! She’s so damn cute. Giggling like a child, I grab her face and kiss her hard.  
“I would love to, though I feel like we’re doing this all a little out of order”, She laughs a little and goes to lean back in before the door bangs open. WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?!

“Sorry boss”. It’s Kirsch. “The science dorks, including your brother, are drunk as hell and dancing on tables. The Chief is uh, not amused and Bobby is two seconds from throwing them out”. Oh my God I simply can’t.  
She looks at me. “Tag team it? You get yours and I get mine?”.  
“Yes, ma’am” I say flirtatiously.  
“Oh ma’am, huh? I like that”, she’s leaning in to kiss me again. Yay!

“NEAAARRRRRR, FARRRRRRR, WHEREVER YOU AREEEEEE!”

“...Was that...are Laf and J.P. singing the titanic theme song?”.  
“Cupcake, that’s not singing. That’s screaming”.  
“Laura! Carmilla!! HELP ME!!!”. Oh Perry.  
“J.P.! Dude!! Put that down!! Will! That is not for swinging on! Danny! Grab that glass before he drops it! Boss!! Get out here!!”

“I think Kirsh is about to taze him. We should go” I hear Carm say besides me.  
“Yeah we probably should” I say laughing, looking at the scene in front of me.  
“You sure you wanna be a part of this crazy family? It’s only gonna get more ridiculous as it goes on”. She's smiling when she asks me this but I know there’s some worry.  
“I wouldn’t have it any other way, Carm”. She presses a light kiss to my lips.  
“Well then...let’s go get our peeps” she says with a wink  
“Oh you asshole”, I push her out of the office, both of us laughing as we head out to grab our friends.


	12. A booth in the back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's DATE NIGHT!!!!  
> (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when I said I didn't know when the next update would be?  
> Yeah...I was bored at work :)

*Knock knock knock*

Oh God. OH MY GOD! It’s her! She’s here!  
“Yo! Laura! You gonna get that?”, I hear Laf yell.  
“I’m not ready!!!”

*knock knock knock*  
“Frosh! Come on!”  
“Can you just let her in please?! I need a few more minutes!!”

Oh Lord. Makeup, check. Jacket, check. Heels, perfume, check. Sanity...SO NOT CHECK!!  
FIRST DATE!! FIRST DATE WITH CARMILLA WHO IS HERE RIGHT NOW!! I CAN’T STOP YELLING!! SOMEONE STOP ME FROM YELLING!!! 

“Well damn, Commander”, Lafs voice reaches me from the living room. “You clean up nice”.  
Ooooh I can’t wait to see!!  
She laughs. I smile at the sound because it is one of my favorites. Christ I’m nervous. 

“Hey Laura?”, Perry knocks lightly.  
“Come in, Per”.  
“You ok? Carmilla is here. You wanna come out?”. She looks at me. “You look beautiful in that dress. Purple has always been a good color on you”.  
“It’s Carms favorite color,” I say softly.  
Perry smiles.

“Laura, what’s wrong? I thought you were excited to go out on a date with Carmilla. Did that change?” She moves to sit next to me on the bed.  
“No! No I just...I’m scared. She’s so...and I’m just…”. That self doubt creature has worked its way inside of me and made camp. 

“You are not JUST anything. You are Laura Hollis! Beautiful, smart, brave and one of my best friends. You already did the hard part and she’s here! She’s here and we both know she’s absolutely crazy about you. And can I just say...she looks really, REALLY pretty”. 

I snort at that because I don’t even need to see her to know that’s true. Also I need to see her.  
“Go out there, get your girl and go have fun!! You deserve it”.  
I throw myself into Perry’s arms, hugging her tightly. Even though I met Laf first and they’re my best friend, Perry has always held a special place in my heart. I love her just as much and can’t imagine my life without her.  
“Thank you Perry”.  
“Of course, sweetie”, she says, hugging me back and patting my shoulder. “Ready?”  
“Ready”, I say. Grabbing my jacket and purse, walking out of my room.

“Hi Carm! Sorry I took so…”, I can’t finish the sentence. I can’t move. I can’t think.  
“Holy fuck”, I manage to whisper out.

Laf and Perry were not lying in the slightest.  
Carmilla is dressed in a crisp, white button up, sleeves rolled up to the elbows, the bottom tucked into dark washed, tight fitting jeans. The brown belt matches the color of her Chelsea boots and the dark grey vest that she wears open on the top half of her body pulls the entire outfit together perfectly. Is that...IS THAT A TIE?!

Her hair hangs in loose curls around her face and there is just the slightest hint of makeup that accentuates her natural beauty.  
She is breathtaking. 

A small cough from my right breaks me out of my stupor. Ah yes. Other people.

“Hey buttercup”, she says. I notice her cheeks are a little pink. Is she blushing? “You um...you look beautiful”. Now I normally don’t tend to believe this when people tell me, my self esteem and I have always had a hate/hate relationship, but looking at her now. Seeing the way she stares at me, the tone of voice in which she says that...I believe her.

“Thank you”, my eyes not leaving hers.  
“And you” I start. “Wow”, and I know I sound breathless and that’s because I am. She’s still staring at me. I feel all warm and seem to slip deeper into her eyes the longer I look at her. 

“And I look AHHHHMAZINGGGG! I know. No need to voice it”, Laf. For fucks sake!  
They’re snickering, but the comment does the job.

“Lafontaine!” scolds Perry.

Clearing her throat, Carmilla moves towards me.  
“You ready to go?”  
“So, very very ready” I say, not caring in the slightest how needy that sounded.  
“Shall we? Don’t want to miss our reservation”. She smiles and holds her arm out for me to take. Which I do. 

“Have her home by midnight!”  
“Laf! Shut up!”  
“What? I’m just saying…”

“Don’t wait up braniac!” says Carmilla.  
Ok here we go. My first date with Carmilla Karnstein.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“And here I thought chivalry was dead”, I say with a smile as Carmilla opens my door and offers me her hand to get out of the car.  
“Just trying to treat you like the queen you are”, she says as she drops a quick kiss to my lips.  
“How am I doin?” she asks with a wink. As if she doesn’t already know...  
“So far? Pretty fucking perfect” I respond, kissing her again, pulling back to turn around. “Umm...I raise that fucking perfect to HOLY CRAP MY GOD!” because I am looking at the restaurant she brought me to.  
“1698!?! You brought me to 1698!??! MY GOD! It takes months to get in here if not longer!!”. That’s not an exaggeration. Carmilla looks pleased with herself. Have I mentioned how dang cute she is? Sorry, not cute. HOT. HOTTTTTT.

“Sometimes, it’s good being me” she says and though normally, this kind of peacocking would drive me absolutely crazy, but on her? Ohhh I like it.  
“After you my lady”. Damn straight I’m your lady!!

“Carmilla!”  
“Mr. Vordenberg” she says to an elderly gentleman. He moves to give her a hug and pulls back to grasp her hand.  
“I was so delighted to hear from you about dining with us tonight! You know I have been trying to get you in here for almost a year now”. She smiles softly and I definitely need to hear this story later.  
“And who is this lovely young lady on your arm?”  
“This is Laura Hollis. Laura, this is Baron Vordenberg. He is the owner of 1698”.

I reach out to take his hand.  
“It’s lovely to meet you. I have been dying to try this place for such a long time!”. He smiles at my excitement.  
“Well I am very happy to hear that. Now what is the occasion that brought you here tonight?”  
“First date” says Carmilla warmly, slipping her hand into mine. I will never get over this feeling. Have I said that about everything else? Whatever. Don’t care. 

“Well, well, well! I’ll send a bottle to your table. Is red ok?”. Carmilla turns to me.  
“That is way too kind. Please don’t trouble yourself”. I am a little overwhelmed at the gesture, to be honest.

“Nonsense. I can tell you're a special girl. Carmilla has never brought anyone to my restaurants in all the years I’ve known her. It would be my distinct pleasure and honor to add to what I’m sure will be a lovely evening”.  
I’m smiling so big, my face hurts and I know I’m looking at her like she is the answer to all my thoughts and prayers. 

“Well in that case...red ok with you, babe?”. Hehehehe, I called her babe. I know she can’t really drink due to her pain meds, but one glass won’t hurt her.

“Whatever you want, love”. Ooooohhhhhh I like her so, so much.  
“Wonderful! I have you at the corner booth in the back, some privacy for you two, and I’ll send the wine out shortly. You both have a wonderful evening and Carmilla, don’t let it be so long until I see you again”, he says with almost a grandpa look about him.  
She smiles, “Of course. Thank you again”.

We’re led to the booth set up for us, Carmilla holds out my chair for me, then moves to her side.  
The wine is brought out and poured and Christ, that’s good. We place our orders and lean back in our chairs, looking at one another. I can’t believe I am actually on a date with this gorgeous woman.

“You really look exceptionally beautiful tonight, Laura”. I swear, everything disappears except for her at her comment. Though if i’m being honest, everything disappears except for her all the time. I lean forward, silently asking for her hand. She places it in mine on the table.

“You look pretty amazing yourself, Commander”. She pulls my hand to her mouth and places a small kiss to my knuckles.  
“God Carm...You really know how to treat a lady”. My finger traces her jaw line. She leans into my touch.

“Here you go ladies”, our moment is interrupted by our food arriving. “Enjoy your meals”.

“Oh fuck me, that’s amazing”. Way to be classy in a high end restaurant, Hollis.  
Carmilla laughs. “What?! This is the best chicken parm I’ve ever had!! Like ever!!”  
“I’m glad you’re enjoying it”.

“So tell me, how do you happen to know the owner of the hottest restaurant in the area?”  
She wipes her mouth and takes a small sip of her wine.  
“A few years ago, we responded to a robbery in progress. It was one of my first cases as Commander actually. The robbery was at that nightclub downtown. The Library”.  
“Oh I know that place!”  
“Yeah it’s a fun spot. Anyways, we respond there for the robbery call and enter. We see a couple guys with automatic weapons. Holding up a bunch of people. Stealing everything they could get their hands on, including all the money from the registers and the safe in the back. We were able to arrest all the guys without incident and get all of the hostages to safety. One of the hostages ended up being the Baron's granddaughter. He was so thankful, he offered free services at all his restaurants and clubs for life”.  
“Woooooow! That’s amazing!!”  
“Yeah it was a pretty nice offer. I don’t typically like to ‘cash in’ on stuff like that though because I don’t do this job for the perks it brings so instead, I try to stop by every now and then and say hi to him, it has been a while though.” She says that last part quietly. 

“So what made you change your mind for tonight?”  
Well one, I’m paying, it’s not free” she says smiling. “And two, Laf told me how much you wanted to come here so I figured I would kind of use my connection as honorably as I could to get us in so you could enjoy the food you’ve been dying to try”.  
“Wait...you...you asked Laf?”.  
“Yeah”, she says nervously. “I just...I wanted to make sure you would enjoy the date and I asked Laf if this place was something that would be ok and I just...was that ok? I’m sorry if it wasn’t…”  
I’m up. I’m by her side, and I’m kissing her.  
“Yes. You thoughtful, extraordinary woman. Yes, that was ok”. She is the sweetestttttt.  
I sit back down in my chair just looking at her.  
”Ok good” she smiles.  
“For the record, I would have enjoyed anything we did. I just wanted to be with you”.  
She blushes. SCORE ANOTHER FOR POPTART!

The rest of dinner flows easily. Everything with her always does.  
Plates are cleared and wine glasses are filled. I watch as she licks her lips after taking a sip of wine and the temperature seems to rise but only at our table cuz I am on edgeeeee with everything she does.  
The look she is giving me right now...fuckkkk.

The tension is broken by Baron Vordenberg.  
“I hope you enjoyed your meals and the wine,” he says politely.  
“Everything was wonderful”  
“Best meal I’ve had...maybe ever” and honestly it’s true.  
“Excellent, excellent. Before you run off into the night, please enjoy this complimentary dessert. Lavender, chocolate covered strawberries. A new addition to the menu. Thank you again for joining us, I hope to see you both back soon”.

Damn those strawberries look good. I grab one, dipping it slightly into the cream provided. Before I can move it to my mouth, she grabs my wrist, redirecting it to hers. Oh she better not...I would not be able to handle it. Oh damn it…  
She takes a bite of the strawberry, her eyes locked on mine. I don’t know when I moved so close to her, but I’m basically on the table. So so close because I refuse to miss a thing. Fuck, she’s sexy.

She takes the rest of the strawberry and drops it on the plate, still holding my hand that’s covered in strawberry juice and cream.  
No...No no no, I will fall apart if she does what I think she’s about to do. 

She’s gives me a mischievous look and moves my hand to her mouth. She straightens my fingers and then YOU GUYS!!!!! She puts two of my fingers in her mouth and proceeds to suck off the flavors that cover my fingers. I can’t fucking breathe.  
I have never been more turned on in my life and I’m pretty sure the air is electric. With a pop, she releases my fingers.

“Mmmmm. You taste delicious, creampuff”, she says with a wicked grin.  
“God damn it, Karnstein”, I say as I suck in a breath. I know my heart stopped at some point.  
“Problem?”, cocky Carm is back.  
“So...fucking...many…” I say back. I grab my wine glass and slam down the remaining contents and give myself a shake as she chuckles.  
“Enjoy that, did you?” I don’t mean to sound frustrated but also I AM FRUSTRATED!  
“Immensely” she says, smiling back. Who am I kidding? I also thoroughly enjoyed that...

The check is paid and we head outside. She wraps her arms around my waist as we wait for the car to be brought around.  
“Did you enjoy dinner?”  
“You know I did. Thank you, Carm. Everything was just...amazing”.  
She doesn’t say anything, instead pulling me into a long, slow kiss.  
She’s not close enough.  
I rise up on my toes, causing her height to match mine more evenly. She pulls me tight against her. He hands move up my back, to my neck, to my face. I am drowning in her kiss. She is the only thing that exists.

We break apart but don’t separate. She traces my face with her fingers. “So, so beautiful” she whispers, and kisses me again.

“Uh, excuse me, Ms. Karnstein”. Oh right, we’re in public. She pulls back, we both chuckle. “Your car is here”. She’s handed the keys but makes no move to walk towards it. She pauses and looks up the street we’re standing on and back at me. Seemingly backing a decision. 

“WIll you go somewhere with me?  
“Absolutely”, I answer quickly. I’d go anywhere with her.  
“Ok” she says turning back to the curb her car is parked at. I go to walk towards the passenger side but she stops me.  
“Um, the place I’d like to take you to is actually a couple blocks up. I thought we could walk”.  
“Works for me”. I need to walk off some of the frustration anyways. Damn strawberries. 

She looks at the young kid who just handed her keys to her.  
“Hey, my man”, he turns just as she throws her keys back to him, catching them in his outstretched hand.  
“We’ll be back”. He shrugs and goes to move the car.

She turns back to me.  
“So...where are you taking me?”, I ask. Curiosity filling me to the brim.  
“You know how I said I wanted to tell you the rest of my story before asking you to be my girlfriend?”  
Oh wow. “Yes….Yes I do”, looking right at her.  
“Well, I really want to ask you to be my girlfriend”. She’s smiling, “but to do that, we need to go somewhere. I need to show you something. So...you ready?”.

I don’t even know how to explain the emotions I’m feeling right now.  
“I’m ready, Carm” I say as I squeeze her hands.  
She places a small kiss to my lips and pulls me down the sidewalk towards our mystery destination. A light breeze blowing and the soft lights from the street lamps lighting our path. My hand in hers and a smile on my face.  
Best. Date. Ever.


	13. Ask Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part II of date night.
> 
> Read the notes before you get to the good stuff :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Taking a moment to say a huge thank you to all of you awesome nerds that have kept with me so far.  
> This chapter concludes the date night and includes some pretty heavy topics related to family and cheating exes so I'll put in a trigger warning.
> 
> I will be taking a little step back, just to breathe, before writing the next chapter. I popped out the last 3 pretty quickly and I don't wanna burn out. It won't be long so don't worry! 
> 
> The link that I am including brings you to the Ontario Police Memorial Park where this chapter takes place.
> 
> http://www.opmf.ca/memorial/memorial_info.php
> 
> As always, happy reading creampuffs!! 
> 
> Twitter: @Lprimosch <3

There’s something to be said about walking through a park, on a beautiful evening in Toronto, with the girl you’re crazy about and that something to say is PERFECTION.  
She has moved her hand from mine and has draped her arm over my shoulder. 

My arm is wrapped around her waist, our steps are in time and I feel her occasionally drop soft kisses to the top of my head. I can feel her smile. See? Perfection. 

“Have I mentioned how amazing tonight is?”  
She chuckles and kisses my head again.  
“You may have mentioned it once or twice, but I agree”  
“What park are we walking around in by the way?”  
She’s quiet for a minute. I move my other hand to interlock my fingers with her arm that is around my shoulder.  
“Carm?”  
“This is the Ontario Police Memorial Park”  
Oh. Well I can’t say I was expecting that.

“I come here sometimes when I need a place to kind of...recharge? Get perspective? It’s hard to explain”.  
Things are starting to come into view amongst the low light the park offers.

Bronze statues made to look like officers of all ranks are placed sporadically around the area. Scenes created to depict officers working together, playing with children, training dogs…  
I notice gardens filled with flowers on either side of the path. I’m sure they are incredibly beautiful in the daylight. They offer a sense of familiarity.

“Wait, are these the same kind of flowers that are up on the roof at the hospital?”  
“Yeah. Had to bring some of my safe space to THE safe space”.  
She is just soooo….YOU KNOW?!

“So, you said you come here to recharge?”  
“Yeah it’s...it’s probably weird because it’s a memorial park but it just...it’s a place that grounds me. Reminds me how precious life is. Being surrounded, in theory, by my “humans in blue” so to speak”.

“I think that’s beautiful, Carm. And it means alot to me that you would bring me here”.  
“Well, you mean a lot to me”, we’ve stopped walking now.  
“You mean a lot to me too”, I say and reach up to pull her into a slow kiss, ending it before it gets out of control, which happens more often than not. Can you blame me though?

“Come on, cupcake. We’re almost there”.  
We start walking again until we meet a huge open space. There are concrete walls that stretch out in a gigantic horseshoe shape. I see flowers laying on the ground, wreaths hung up and in the middle, two more statues set on a large granite base. One depicting an older gentleman officer, the other, a young woman officer, both in uniform. Below them, a large plaque that reads:

DEDICATED TO THESE POLICE OFFICERS WHO SERVE THE PEOPLE OF ONTARIO. HEROES IN LIFE NOT DEATH. 

I glance over at Carmilla who is looking at the scene in front of us rather intensely. I don’t interrupt her. I know this means a lot to her.  
We stand there for a few more minutes, letting the heaviness of where we are settle around us.

“Come on, lets sit”. We make our way over to a bench that stands about fifteen feet back. She turns to look at me.

“I like you. A lot”. This is starting really well.  
“I like you too, Carm”  
“Before we move forward into what I hope is a relationship”, tingly feeling back, “I feel like I need to be very transparent about some things. We’ve talked mostly about how I have a dangerous job, where I can, will and did get hurt”, This part I don’t like. “But there are some other things I want to say”.  
“I wanna hear whatever you want to tell me”.

“I pretty much came out of the womb wanting to be a cop”, that makes me chuckle. “It’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted to do. My grandfather was a cop, both of my parents...the name ‘Karnstein’ became synonymous with officer”.  
This is the first time she's mentioned her family. Other than Will, of course.

“My mom was actually Chief of Police and my dad was Deputy Commander of SWAT”.  
“They must be so proud of you!! Kinda following in their footsteps. Especially your dad”.  
“I hope they are. I try to make them proud everyday. So does Will. He was never built for the law enforcement side, but he is an amazing crime scene tech. The stuff he comes up with, he’s just amazing”.  
She always has such a loving look on her face when she talks about Will.

“You know how a lot of kids typically play cops and robbers?”  
“Yeah”, though in my case it was my dad and I playing ‘how tightly can he wrap me in bubble wrap so i don’t hurt myself every 5 seconds’...Good ‘ol Papa Hollis.  
“Will and I played cops and CSI”, we both laugh at this.  
“I’d chase my dad around the house, my mom played my partner and WIll would follow us around with fingerprint tools and evidence bags”.

“Oh man, please tell me there are videos of this somewhere because I need to see them all right now!”. I can only imagine how cute little Carmilla was, running around with her family playing that game. I wonder if she had a little leather jacket as a kid... 

“Oh I’m sure I can dig them up but I don’t know if I want to,” she says laughing.  
“Your parents sound like wonderful people”.  
“Yeah” she says.  
Silence again.

“Remember when I said being a cop, or being with a cop can be hard?”  
I nod. I remember.  
“As Will and I got older and my parents got higher in rank, their jobs got more intense. We barely saw them. They missed a lot of Will’s concerts, he was in band, and science fairs. They missed my games...all things I understood but it got bad between them. The stress of the job started to pull them apart. I take after my dad...stubborn and independent”.  
“You do have your moments. *cough cough* SLING!”  
“Shut up!” she says amused.  
“Make me”. Oh and boy does she.

Everytime she kisses me, I fall harder and harder.  
One of her hands rests on my thigh, the other on the back of my neck. Mine grab her vest.  
“You are very good at that” I breathe out as we pull away. I straighten her tie.  
She licks her slips “mmmm, strawberries”.  
“Dork”, I say, brushing my thumb over her lips.  
“You’re dork”. PURRRRRRR  
“Not yet, boss lady”, I smile. Leaning in, to kiss her again.

“Ok” she says, pulling back. “Back to the story”. She removes her hand from my neck but keeps her hand on my thigh. That’s gonna make it harder to concentrate on her words…

“My parents fought all the time. So much to the point where they separated. I lived with my dad and WIll went to live with my mom”.  
“I’m so sorry, Carm. How old were you?”  
“I was 16, Will was 13”.  
“That’s a hard age to go through something like that “. Memories of my own childhood come to mind...not the time.

“One of the big reasons I became a cop, I mean I had many, but I thought that if I became one, that would bring them back together. It’s stupid and they had been seperated, then later divorced, for a couple years but I still wanted them to get back together. It’s dumb but that’s why I went right into the academy when I graduated highschool”.  
“That’s not stupid, Carm”.  
She smiles slightly at that.  
“So, I went into the academy. I was accepted immediately. I know part of that was due to my last name, so I wanted to prove I was more than my mom or dad. Not that I didn’t respect them and everything they accomplished, but still. I worked hard, studied harder...when the time came, I was at the top of my class. My scores were better than any recruit for the last 5 years, they were better than my parents actually”. She’s so proud and she should be.

“Putting on the uniform for graduation...it felt so good”.  
“I bet you looked amazing in it too”, I say flirtatiously.  
“I still have it in my closet…”.  
“Wheeeeew boy…” I breath out.  
She laughs. 

“Ok, so”, trying to get back on track. “Graduation”. She seems off.  
“My parents didn’t come”.  
“WHAT!?”.  
“They got pulled away on a call. I understood but it still hurt, you know? Will came but it was hard looking out and seeing two empty chairs. I know the job comes first, and I know their positions made it to where they have to be places I just...it was hard”.

“This is why you're concerned about us”. It’s not a question, but a statement.  
“It plays a role, yeah. I hold a very high position at the department. I want to promise I’ll always be there for you. That I won’t cancel dates, that I’ll make events and celebrate your victories...but I can’t. I don’t want to let you down, but I will”. Baby…

“Carm, I know how important your job is and how important you are to this city. It’s not like I didn't know you were a cop when you came into my life”.  
“Are you honestly telling me you’d be totally fine with knowing that I might, well rather will, get called away at any and all times? That you’d be ok knowing I might promise one thing but I’ll have to break it? That I have to put the job first?”. It’s like she’s looking into my soul.

I’m silent for a moment, looking down. Trying to quell the anxiety within me. It all goes away when I look up at her.  
“I can’t say that, but all I can do is say that I understand and what I do promise is to talk to you about it. Relationships are built on trust and open communication. Something I’m definitely not an expert on, but I am working on it. I understand that I can get hurt, not on purpose of course, but I understand it. But Carm, It’s worth it to me. You’re worth it to me. We’ll get through it together.”

“You’re pretty amazing,” she says squeezing my thigh.  
“So are you”, I say smiling. 

“After graduation, I thought maybe I’d get to meet up with my parents for dinner. No go. They were still out on a call so Kirsch, myself and the rest of my academy class went to Lofi, you know, the bar from the other night”.  
“I’ve been meaning to ask...where the hell did Bobby get that name from?”  
“Goofy, isn’t it?”, she smiles. “Lofi was the name of his K-9 partner. When his dog passed away, he decided to honor her by naming the bar after her”.  
“That explains the dog toys I saw up on the wall and the pictures of all the german shepherds. And the drink called the “ruff”. That’s really cute”.  
“Yeah, he’s a sentimental old man”, she says with love. ‘Anyways, we’re at Lofi, drinking our asses off, celebrating that we survived the academy and placement, when Chief Holliday walks in”. Her face solemn. “Well at the time, he was Deputy Assistant Chief”. 

She stands abruptly and pulls me with her. We walk to the memorial wall. Starting on the left and moving right. Her hand lifted. Her fingers gently move across the names as we walk.

“The call my parents were on, or rather my dad was on, was an arson call. SWAT responds to all arson calls, still do, no matter the degree”.  
We’re still walking, our joined hands swinging between us.  
“My dad and his unit went in. It was pretty ordinary actually, as far as arson calls goes. I don’t mean to sound so blase about it, it’s just…I have to compartmentalize cases and make them as unemotional as I can, or it would drive me crazy”.  
“I understand Carm, it’s ok”.

“Two suspects were assumed located on the top floor surrounded by what we knew to be an insane amount of chemicals that had been matched to a warehouse that had been broken into a while ago. That’s how we found that building. Those same chemicals were matched to four different high rise fires in the past year. Fire department was on stand-by….everything was pretty straightforward”. 

We stop a little past the middle of the wall, my eyes not leaving her face, an uneasy feeling filling me.  
“It wasn’t straight forward was it”. I say. Again, anothing statement.  
“No. It wasn’t”.

“My dad was the first in the door. They had everything they needed, planned it all out, but what they didn’t know was that there was a hidden, automatic lock embedded in the door that was triggered when they entered. It locked my dad and his unit inside”.  
Oh God.

“Besides being arsonists, these guys were pretty tech savvy. They fooled our guys into thinking they were in there, but they weren’t. The building was lined with lead so they couldn’t get actual confirmation, but all our equipment indicated they were there. It just wasn’t good enough to catch the embedded lock. Once my dad's unit was inside and the doors were locked, the building caught fire due to chemicals placed throughout the building and a spark from small explosions placed near them”.  
She looks up at the sky for a second and takes a deep breath. This action allows me to move from her side to infront of her.

“Due to the seriousness of the situation, my mom came to the scene. She was never one to stay on the side lines. Which surprised me that she took the Chief job”. The way she says that...  
“Was?” I ask quietly. She says nothing for a moment.

“When my mom realized it was my dad and his unit stuck in the building, she insisted on being a part of the rescue crew, which is typically unheard of for the Chief of Police. My parents loved each other deeply, they just...couldn’t be together. Her and a couple officers and the bomb squad found a basement entrance, it was also rigged to blow. The bomb squad disconnected the wire but what no one knew at the time, was that the hackers were watching the entire thing play out, so they saw my mom and the team defuse it”. 

She moves her hand back to the wall. He fingers resting near two names. I move closer.

Chief Hannah Karnstein  
Deputy Commander Daniel Karnstein

“They manually triggered the bomb. It instantly killed everyone inside. Including my parents”.

The air is heavy. I look at her. She’s looking at the names.  
I place my hand on her cheek and her gaze moves to mine.  
I don’t know what to say so I don’t say anything, choosing instead to pull her into a kiss, trying to convey all the words I can’t say into it.  
When we pull back, I see a tear fall down her beautiful face and I wipe it off.  
God she’s so strong. 

“Come on, let's go sit back down”, I say. She nods, gives one more look at her parents names and we walk back to the bench.

“As you can imagine, when Holliday told me about my parents death, I didn’t handle it well. I drank myself to the point of destruction. Similar to the story with Maddie”.  
“That’s completely understandable”, I can relate. She seems so calm.

“Can I ask you something?”.  
“Anything”.  
“You seem really...ok...after telling me about your parents death”.  
“I’ve had a long time to come to terms with it. It was 10 years ago. I still miss them and they are the reason I worked so hard to be on SWAT. I come here a lot. Some days are harder than others, but I know they’re with me” I stroke her hair.  
“I know they are too”.  
“On the anniversary of their death, I come here with Will. We sit out here for hours. We are always joined by other officers, family friends...everyone always wants to pay their respects”.  
“Sounds like they were very loved”.  
“They were”, she smiles. “Still are”.  
Her hand is back on my thigh.

“One of the people that showed up one time, was a reporter. She was there to cover a story about “Fallen Heroes”. Her name was Elle Sheridan”. Something shifts within her.  
“Ok…”, I’m not really sure what to say.  
“Remember me telling you about how my last relationship ended badly?”  
“Yes”.  
“Elle is my ex-girlfriend. We were together for over two years”.  
“Oh” I say, taking a breath. 

“At first it was great. She wrote a very moving article about my parents. We hung out at the bar, I met her friends, she met mine. I fell for her. Hard”. Focus, Hollis.  
“After I got promoted to Commander, things went south. She no longer thought my job was honorable. She would get mad when I was called out or when I couldn’t come home. She was always questioning where I was. She told me to quit, constantly. She said I need to pay more attention to her. She told me that other people, strangers, weren’t as important as her. She told me I wasn’t a good enough girlfriend. That I wasn’t good enough”.  
And there it is. 

“I tried explaining over and over again that I was doing the best I could but I took an oath. I took an oath to protect and serve. To run towards the danger when others ran away. To help. She didn’t care. One night, I came home early. I left Kirsch incharge of the scene and came home early. I had every intention of sitting down with her to figure stuff out, but when I walked in, I saw her in our bed, with a man”.

“Oh my God, Carm”.

“I stood there. Frozen. She saw me. She looked right at me and said ‘What did you expect? You’re just a cop’”.  
WHAT THE HELL!? JUST!? JUST A COP!?!!?!

“She was gone the next day. No note, nothing. Just gone. Found out later she had been cheating on me for 8 months with that guy”.  
“Fucking bitch”. Oh...did I say that outloud?

“You can say that again. To top it all off, she wrote an article in the paper about Toronto SWAT and how we’re all corrupt and how it shouldn’t be led by a young woman with barely any experience. She implied that I was only made SWAT Commander because the Prime Minister and Chief of police felt bad about my parents being killed”.

“That’s...my God, Carm, that’s horrible”. I’m brought back to the conversation I had with Will at the hospital.  
“When I first met Will, he all but attacked me when he found out I was a reporter. He said you had been burned badly by one”.  
“He wasn’t wrong. He’s pretty protective”.

Silence. We listen to the wind in the trees, there’s an owl that can be heard off in the distance. Mostly, we’re just listening to the silence, letting everything that’s been said so far sink in. Enough silence.

“Carm...you HAVE to know. I would NEVER, EVER hurt you. I would never do what she did”. I say that fiercely.

“I know. I do, I know that, but sometimes the anxiety creeps in. I’m not used to good things happening to me and staying good and with this job, my history…”  
“Stop right there,” I say.  
“Carmilla Karnstein, you listen and you listen good, you hear me?” She nods.

“I can’t fix your past, I can’t bring your parents back and I can’t strangle your ex-girlfriend no matter how much I want to”, she smiles.  
“What I can do is tell you that I am crazy about you and the only way I’d ever leave you is if you tell me too. I don’t care that we haven't known each other that long because it feels like we have.. I can hold you when you’re sad, listen when you need to vent. I can be your true North when you feel lost. I know you’re scared that I’ll run. I know you think I won’t understand your job takes priority. I know you think you’re not good enough, but you are. You are strong, capable, smart and by far the most beautiful woman I have ever seen ever. You are selfless and brave and when I’m with you…I can’t even explain it. I know your job is important and yes, it does scare me how easily you can get hurt, but it will never scare me enough to leave you. I will never ask you to choose. I know you care. I see it in your eyes. I feel it in your touch and in your kiss. I want to be with you. Where you go, I go. Where you stay, I stay. I am all in”. God that sounded an awful lot like a declaration of love but fuck it. I’m not normally one to give speeches cuz I suck at them, but I feel a power surging through me that I’ve never felt before.

She is sitting before me, completely exposed. Ripped open and vulnerable and I will do anything to keep her safe. To keep her sane. I know I need to tell her my story too. I know there are more moments and conversations to be had but I need her to know. I need to move forward with her. Together.

She stands to her feet, pulling me with her. She’s looking at me with tears in her eyes and so much love that I feel the words that match might make their way out of our mouths but no, too soon. That much I know. She is holding onto me so tightly. I can feel her breath on my face. I keep going.

“I will not abandon you. I will not run. You are magic, Carmilla. Fuck your ex. She was so, so wrong about you. You have had to go through so much. Maddie, your parents….you don’t have to go through anything else alone. I’m here”.

She shakes her head a little. Tears are free flowing down her face and mine. 

“God, Laura…”, she takes a breath to steady herself.  
“I’m in. I’m all in too”, she says. 

This is the moment.

“So ask me. Please. Ask me the question we both want asked and both know the answer to because I can’t spend one more second not being yours”. 

I am looking at her like she is the answer to all my prayers, because damn it, she is. I feel like I’m vibrating with want and need. And love. I knew it before but it’s definit now. I am wholly, and deeply falling for this amazing, gorgeous, snarky, whirlwind of a woman.  
She grabs my waist like I’m that lifeline I told her I would be. She wets her lips and clears her throat.

“Laura Hollis, will you be my girlfriend?”.  
“Yes”, and I pull her into me and kiss her with every ounce of passion, intensity and love I possess.


	14. NOT AN UPDATE

Hello all you lovely humans!

I just wanted to pop on here and say that even tho it’s been a little while, I have not abandoned this story. I have been dealing with a lot of stuff, as most people have, and I didn’t want to write a chapter just to write it. I have a lot of ideas on where I want to take this but writers block is a bitch! This story is always on the back of my mind and I promise, I will have a new chapter as soon as I can. 

Stay safe, loves!!

\- Lyndsay


	15. Brunch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brunch (no not that kind you dirty birds...yet)  
> Motorcycles  
> Embarrassed Laura  
> Swooning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Reenters the chat*
> 
> Uh...hi!!! That break was a bit longer than I thought it was going to be.  
> I was having some major writers block.  
> Let's just ease back into it, shall we? <3
> 
> Ignore spelling issues as per usual and I know the timing is quick. Meh. ;) 
> 
> Happy reading!

“Would you like some pancake with your syrup, Frosh?”.  
“Have you met me?” I say with a smile, pouring a little more on cuz why not?  
“How do you not have like a thousand cavities?”, they say smiling, shoveling bacon in their mouth.  
“Uh, because I’m awesome”, I reply in a sing-song voice.  
“Ridiculous is more like it”.  
“Sweetie, don’t talk with your mouth full”,  
“Sorry, Per”, bits of bacon falling out of their mouth.

The Lustig has always been our go to brunch spot. Every Sunday at noon, we come here to catch up on our week and hang. Admittedly I haven’t been around much due to my lovely, beautiful girlfriend. My girlfriend. Even after three weeks of being with Carmilla, I still get butterflies. She’s so pretttttttty. 

“Ohhh, someone gots them heart eyes….!”.  
“Shut up, Laf” I say, feeling my cheeks redden.  
“So you’re not thinking about a certain cop that holds the title of “Commander” and “Laura Hollis’ girlfriend?”  
“Ok yes, yes I’m thinking of my girlfriend” *Squeeeeeeeee* “What’s wrong with that?! You know you think of Perry constantly, why can’t I think about my girlfriend?!” I’m just gonna keep saying girlfriend. GIRLFRIENNNNNDDDDDDDD.

“I’m just messing with you Frosh” They say, taking a sip of coffee. “It’s good to see you happy and in luurrrrrvvvvv”.  
“Woah, hey I am not in love! Good lord, it’s only been a few weeks…”, sure, that’ll convince them and me that what I say is totally true and not at all a bunch of nonsense.  
“Laura, I’m not as indelicate as my partner here, but even I can see that’s not true” says Perry knowingly.  
“Okaaaayyyy, I mean she’s…and we’re…” words, Hollis! Make them with your mouth and say them! “I’m just happy. Can we leave it at that? She makes me happy”.  
“We know shes does, and we’re happy for you”, Perry says as lays her hand on mine  
“So why isn’t the the Commander joining us on this fine Sunday?” asks Laf  
“She’s working. She got a call at like 4 am, hence all the coffee I’m currently drinking”. Who doesn’t serve hot chocolate!?!! It’s blasphemy really.  
“Ahhhh so that’s why you’re so tired” they say with a smirk  
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I say taking a sip of my coffee that may or may not have 12 sugars in it….14 tops. Shut up.  
“I just assumed you were up late doing the horizontal tango with your hot officer”.

Ok...so I’ve never experienced choking but I’m sure that’s what’s currently happening.

“Laf!!! Oh my God, Laura, are you ok?”, says Perry and she leans over to pat my back  
“Fuck…”, breathe Laura, “Yup Yup, I’m totally fine”.  
“Tell me Frosh, does she use her handcuffs in the bedroom too?”. CHOKING AGAIN.  
“LAFONTAINE!!”  
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”, they’re not sorry. “You’re so fun to mess with”.

“Are you trying to kill me?!”, stupid scientist. “Nothing happened like that, Laf. I spent the night, she got a call, she went off to work. I couldn’t fall back asleep so I came home”, because I can’t sleep without her...but no one needs to know that.  
“Interesting. So no sex for you, huh? So sad”, they say teasingly.  
“Well actually…” don’t say it. DO NOT SAY IT. NO SERIOUSLY DO NOT SAY IT. “We haven't...um, well Carm and I haven’t….”,  
“You’re kidding! You haven’t slept together yet!?!”. 

You know that scene in every tv show ever where someone says something in a crowded room and everyone just stops and stares at you? Welcome to the newest episode of “Laura Hollis and how she killed her best friend with a butter knife because they screamed about their best friends non-existant sex life at her favorite brunch spot she can no longer go back to”. Or maybe that’s a working title…  
“Uh, sorry!” yells Laf looking around at the people staring at us, “Rehearsing a play!”. I don’t know what’s more red, my face or Perry's hair.  
“Jesus Christ Laf, say it louder next time!”, I hiss out basically putting my face in my pancakes.  
The waitress has now walked up asking if we need anything and I urgently, AND I MEAN URGENTLY order two bloody marys, no connection to what just happened except TOTAL CONNECTION BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY.

“I’m so so sorry, Frosh! I was just surprised! I mean you guys aren’t exactly subtle with your interactions when you’re together”  
They aint wrong. Everytime I’m near her it’s like I have to touch her, kiss her or I might, not to be dramatic...I MIGHT DIE! Ok fine, dramatic…  
“I know I just...I know I want to”. God do I want to. “And she’s ever the gentlewoman I just…”, I put my fork down and take a large gulp of the Bloody Mary that has just been placed in front of me. Oh shit, that’s spicy!  
“Laura?” says Perry  
“I just...I like her so much”. Understatement of the century.  
“And that means you can’t have sex with her?” asks Laf  
“No, NO! I just…” Good Lord.  
“Before Laf and I slept together the first time…” begins Perry and HA HA KARMA! Lafs turn to choke.  
“As I was saying” she says, patting Laf on the back. “Before Laf and I slept together the first time, I was a nervous wreck. Like out of my mind scared".  
“You were?”, Lafs voice softens this time, their arm reaching over the back of Perry's chair.  
“Of course I was! I was scared I would do something wrong, or you wouldn’t like it and that it would get weird or something”.  
“Oh babe, I never would have thought that”.  
“I know that now, but it’s nerve wracking the first time you reach that level with someone. Especially someone who you could love. It’s scary”.  
“Exactly!”, I say, “What if...what if I don’t, I don’t know. What if Carmilla doesn’t like sleeping with me? I mean I don’t have a lot of experience, not that I’m saying she does! Or doesn’t! or...God someone shut me up!”, panic Hollis has returned.

“Laura, we have eyes. That girl is absolutely nuts about you. Crazy. Just talk to her about it. Communication is key and all that, you know?”.  
Should I? I wouldn’t even know where to begin. I’m lost in thought when I hear a small giggle from Laf.  
“Well speak of the devil” they say. 

I turn and look in the direction Laf is facing and my breath catches in my throat. It happens in slow motion.  
The Toronto Police motorcycles come to a stop outside the restaurant and the person in front removes her helmet. Thick, dark, wavy locks fall to her shoulders. She moves off the bike with such smoothness it almost makes me jealous. Her leather jacket unzipped, moving a little in the wind, her aviators giving her a killer look...THAT’S MY GIRLFRIEND!!!! *Swoooooooon*.  
You’d think I’d be over the initial ‘Fuck she’s hot” mood, but nope she takes my breath away every single time. Her and Kirsch say something to the other two SWAT members who remain sitting and then head towards the restaurant we are currently sitting at. I’m still staring. I watch her walk through the entrance and scan the room, pushing her glasses on top of her head. Her eyes find mine and her smile matches. My body feels like it’s tingling.

“Hey baby”, she says softly. *SQUEEEEEEEE*. *SWOOOOOON*. *SQUEEEEEE AGAIN*. She leans down to kiss me, her hand finding my lower back.  
“Hi” I say, releasing her lips, my hand moving some hair behind her ear. “What are you doing here?” I say elated. Like she is just so pretty it’s so unfairrrrrr.  
“I missed you. And we needed coffee. Figured we’d solve my two problems at the same time and crash bestie brunch. I hope that’s ok?” she says tentatively.  
“That’s very ok” I say smiling. “I missed you too”. Cuz I did. Very much so. She leans in smiling, to give me a very chaste kiss then looks up. “Red, Nerd...how are you both?” she says as she moves a chair over next to me. I snuggle into her side. MY GIRLFRIEND IS HERE! MY HOT COP, LEATHER WEARING GIRLFRIEND IS HERE!!!!  
“Carmilla, lovely to see you”, says Perry.  
‘Sup, Commander? Laura says you’re working?” Asks Laf.  
“Yeah, tricky Armed Robbery this morning over in Lennox. Multiple dipshit suspects who keep running around town. Been at it since 4 this morning. Hence the need for all coffee ever”. Her hand rests on my thigh. It’s like fire.

“Ginger hottie!! Science nerd! Little hottie!! Hi! Here you go boss”, says Kirsch, sliding up, depositing a coffee in front of her.  
Kirsch engages Perry and Laf in a convo and I turn to look at my lady. One more time…*SWOOOOOOOON*.  
“Hi” I say again, grasping her hand and looking like a total space cadet.  
“Hi back” she says, kissing my forehead. She’s so dreammmmyyyyyyyyy.  
“How’s work? And your shoulder? I still can’t believe you talked the doctor into signing you off four months early to modified duty to include the damn field”, she laughs at that. Stubborn, ridiculously attractive woman.  
“I told you, beautiful, I can’t sit behind a desk. Shoulders good. They were over reacting. I’m taking it easy, I promise. I’m in the field but I don’t do the heavy lifting. That’s what the boys are for”. She winks at me and steals a piece of bacon off Laf’s place when they’re not looking.

“Did you sleep ok after I left?”. My hand starts playing with the zipper of her jacket. I mumble something that I know she can’t hear.  
“What was that, buttercup?” she says smiling.  
“I said I can’t seem to be able to sleep without you next to me, so I went home after you left and played HP Lego until we came here”, I say embarrassed.  
“You...are so cute”, she says, kissing that spot behind my ear that just DOES THINGS TO ME.  
“I’m sorry you couldn’t sleep, babe. I’m sorry I got called away”, she looks sad.  
“It’s ok Carm, it’s your job”.  
“Yeah” she says, “I would have much preferred to be wrapped up in you though”. Like seriously...so dreamy. Swoon worthy. Commander ‘turn me to mush’. Too much? Don’t care.  
“Me too” I say quickly and I just stare at her, feeling that that normal giddy, tingling feeling that is ever present when she’s near me. The one that starts in your toes and…

“Yo! Heart eyes!”, fucking Laf….  
‘Can we help you, brainiac?” say Carmilla in a tone that makes me, Laf and Kirsch smirk.  
“Doin anything tonight?”, says Laf, ignoring the name  
“I don’t think we have plans, why? You trying to pull me into being a test subject again? Cuz I refuse to eat anything like whatever the hell you and WIll concocted in the break room last week…” she says. I laugh and link my fingers with hers.  
“No”, says Laf amused. “Kirsch mentioned trivia night at Loki, so I figured we’d all meet up later? Hang out and grab some drinks?”  
“YES!!!!!” says Kirsch immediately high fiving Laf.  
Carm turns to me, “Sounds fun, sound good to you, creampuff?”  
“Works for me. I’m probably going to need a drink or five after I meet the new boss”.  
“You have to go to work? On a Sunday?” says Carm.  
“I wasn’t originally but we got called in for later today to meet the new head of the crime desk. Apparently some award winning journalist Gary head hunted from Calgary. She wants to meet us all and assign everything before Monday. Makes no sense but here we are”, I say sighing because good Lord I don’t want to go into work today.  
“Ah ok, well, why don’t you call when you’re done and I’ll come pick you up? Head to the bar after?”  
“Sounds perfect” I say smiling. You’re perfect.

Just then Carmilla's radio goes off.  
“Dispatch to Alpha 6639”  
“Go for 6639” says Carmilla.  
“Hey Commander, sightings of your suspects from your robbery earlier at the Pierre Hotel. Look to be casing the place across the street. All units on hold.”  
“10-4, lock us on that location”. Kirsch pulls out his phone as Carmilla goes to rise.  
“Well, that’s our que”, she grabs. “Kirsch, get on the radio and call in the rest of Alpha and Bravo. Have them meet us there and set up a perimeter”. Her cop mode is GRADE A HOTTTTTTTT  
“Copy, boss”. Kirsh says a quick goodbye and heads out to the other teammates waiting for them.  
“I’ll see you tonight baby”, she says. Kissing me. Fireworks. EVERYTIME.  
“Be safe” I say.  
“Always am” she replies and out the door she goes. 

Yeah who am I kidding, I way more than just like her.  
“Hold up...did she steal my bacon!?”. Lafs voice breaks me from my deep thinking.  
I laugh and take another look to watch the officers ride away, their red and blue lights flashing on the front of their bikes, the taste of her is still on my lips.

Yup, totally in love.


End file.
